Messenger of God

[dared]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


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A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

[dukealien]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

You have some original images here, and have chosen an effective way to organize them.  Spelling and grammar are fine (though one might niggle about "the mass of people sway" - strictly speaking, "mass" is singular so it could be "sways.")

If there is one particular area for improvement, it could be rhythm.  Your lines are uniformly eight syllables, suggesting blank verse (uniform rhythm but no necessary end-rhyme).  In free verse, no uniform rhythm is required, of course, nor rhyme.

Another, if you'd like to try it, is replacing generic words (particularly "the") with more descriptive, evocative ones.  If you'll pardon the rewrite,

Fear knots the victim's painted face.
Carved knife descends, obsidian.

Flow will come; work at it!   Reading aloud (to an audience, if available) can help a lot.

[Achebe]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

An Aztec sacrifice! Now that's a good subject for a poem.
I liked 'cold slab pushing against him' - a solid sensory description.

You asked for feedback on rhythm - I couldn't discern any. That's not bad in itself, as a poem can be a painting alone. 
I would do away with the metaphors entirely - sun's gaze bleeding, dripping red on velvet - first, it's inaccurate (white cotton clouds mean that it's afternoon but a red sun is either morning or evening). Secondly, 'bleeding' makes it too obvious that you're trying to draw a parallel. Just 'red' is enough. If you want to even bring it up, that is. As a parallel it's too easy and obvious whichever way you try to state it.
Abstractions like 'mass of people' and 'darkest gods' are also not very useful when you're trying to paint a picture. Basically, avoid metaphors and abstract nouns, and cut out all adjectives.

[dared]

Thanks for your critique Achebe! It was well reasoned and highlighted quite a few flaws in my work that I hadn't noticed before. I'd like to address a few points though just in the spirit of a discussion (not necessarily argue with them, but just a clarification of bits I don't quite grasp):

I liked 'cold slab pushing against him' - a solid sensory description. Thank you! It's weird because I don't even see the line being that great, but that's because I always go towards verbosity when poetry could be considered the art of simplicity. I probably need to work on that. 

You asked for feedback on rhythm - I couldn't discern any. Rhythm wasn't the right word, been away from writing poetry too long and I only really scratched the surface even then so I'm not all too familiar with the lingo (all I know is to avoid the word flow or I'll be murdered). As an afterthought... I wonder if you can point me to any resources where I can try to write a bit more lyrically, I'm pretty bad at that . Would appreciate any help you can give me here!

I would do away with the metaphors entirely - sun's gaze bleeding, dripping red on velvet - first, it's inaccurate (white cotton clouds mean that it's afternoon but a red sun is either morning or evening). I wasn't quite going for the idea that the cloud was white so much as it was a medium which absorbed the colour red, like cotton in bandages absorbs blood. Which has similar image to blood dripping onto velvet. 

Secondly, 'bleeding' makes it too obvious that you're trying to draw a parallel. Just 'red' is enough. If you want to even bring it up, that is. As a parallel it's too easy and obvious whichever way you try to state it. Really good point. It's not exactly the most complex parallel. 

Abstractions like 'mass of people' and 'darkest gods' are also not very useful when you're trying to paint a picture. Basically, avoid metaphors and abstract nouns, and cut out all adjectives. How is 'mass of people' abstraction? I can't get my head around this part. But essentially I was just playing on the word mass which is also in the catholic religion to say a bunch of people were praying to the gods below the pyramid. 'Darkest gods' is definitely an abstraction, couldn't quite figure out a way to explain that this a ritual for this guy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mictlantecuhtli 
His name isn't very poetry friendly. But giving an obscure nod is pointless so I'll probably throw this part away since it doesn't play to the imagery. My knowledge isn't good enough to put him in anyway.

But yea thank you very much for your help and I'll reflect on what you've said.

---

Thanks for your kind words dukealien! 

Yea I have no idea how to write rhythmically and it always goes wrong. I wonder if you can point me to some resources I can use to learn a bit more. I just put the 8 syllable guideline to restrict myself a bit more because I know I'll have to do that to learn more about meter. Also I loved your rewrite! It's definitely and packs more of a punch. I'll probably steal it in some shape or form.

[ellajam]

Yea I have no idea how to write rhythmically and it always goes wrong. I wonder if you can point me to some resources I can use to learn a bit more. I just put the 8 syllable guideline to restrict myself a bit more because I know I'll have to do that to learn more about meter.

Hi, dared, I learned meter on this site, starting with iambic in the Practice threads. The English Sonnet thread is fun and informative, there's an IP thread and many others, and Leanne has a goood sticky on Meter. For me the forms gave me the structure I needed to started learning. It's been a few years now and I'm just now beginning to apply it to free verse. I'm sure some are quicker but my pace has been good for me.

I'm currently having fun with Stephen Fry's The Ode Less Travelled, on Leanne's recommendation. It's an interesting, amusing and serious entry into Meter, starting with absolute basics and a clear view on using meter without sounding stilted. It's got exercises that are clearly directed and fun to do.

[Achebe]

@dared - you're right, 'mass of people' is not an abstraction, so wrong choice of word there on my part. Rather than being abstract, it's bland, like 'group of teens' or 'bunch of professors'.  It doesn't do anything that just 'below, the people sway' doesn't.
It's ok in speech, but not in writing, and particularly not in writing poetry, where word economy is important.

---

One possible re-arrangement:

Below, the people sway in prayer
to Mictlantecuhtli, dark god

who swallows the night sky and stars

[PuppyKitten]

"The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. "


First off, I think this is an interesting perspective. I also love the concept. I would write "a totem on the steps of Heaven" OR "a totem on Heaven's steps". I'd put a comma after "gaze" in line 3. I would remove the "the" at the beginning of line 6. Next, I'd take off the "and they" starting off line 8. After that, I would edit line 9 so it reads, "Gods swallowing the expansive sky itself". I would make "into" become "in", and make the final line state "Sculpting the honoured man's fear, chiseling him."

Hope this helps!

~PK

[Erthona]

"Messenger of God" is used in the title, yet as is noted in the poem the Aztecs worshiped many gods. "serpentine" rather than jagged, although I am uncertain the Aztec priest used such a knife as the object was generally a heart sacrifice, the only thing that change was the type of person sacrificed was related to what god the sacrifice was for. Such as a baby was sacrificed to the rain god, because of the tears the baby would shed, the tears being the metaphorical equivalent to rain, or a strong healthy (perfect) male sacrificed to the sun god which was also the god of war (I think the connection should be obvious).

This is written in couplets and begins in iambic tetrameter, but by the third couplet (if not before) the meter breaks down. Thus, so does the poem. One could say at this point the poem fails, especially as iambic tetrameter is a fairly simple metric form, and there is nothing else to support the poem in terms of a rhythmic quality. It is obvious that the writer struggles with meter, even in the first couplet:

"The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps."

The "the" in the second line is not needed and is only included to make the meter work. Not related to meter, but the "and" in the first line should be "with".

In the description part there are a number of cliches, " cotton clouds", "velvet sky" etc.

There are also a number of gap fillers:

"that swallow the stars and night sky."

Although cliche, one can say the gods could swallow the stars, but to go further is simply nonsensical. Even if the gods could swallow the night sky, how would one know since all the stars are gone. I mean physically it might change, but it would still look the same.

Anyway, interesting topic. It would be nice if taken deeper in terms of metaphor, and a greater grasp on the meter so the poem has the necessary energy to allow it to continue to move down the page.


Best,


dale

[Lizzie]

As noted by others, I think that this is a wonderful topic, rich with potential. I do think that one thing you have working against you is that your reader may not have the same knowledge base about Aztec ritual as you. I would only have understood the significance of the 'swallowing the stars and night sky' because I looked at the Wiki article you posted after the fact. When I first read the poem, I thought that line read very awkwardly and made little sense. So, yeah. Great potential here, just be careful to take your readers along with you and don't assume that they understand what you do.

Welcome to the site >< 

lizziep

[DJesters]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ro
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.
[/quote]

I love the imagery used in this poem. I feel like I'm sitting there watching this sacrifice take place. The only critique I would have on this poem is the rythym of it. It's hard to grab a flow when reading it and is kind of choppy at points. The good thing about rythym problems is they are easy to fix with practice! What helps me attain a good rythym in my poems is reading them out loud to myself and the poem should just naturally breathe and flow. You've got something good going though! Keep it up!

[Karnifex]

hi karni, how do you see it as good writing if you don't understand it? try and give a bit more reason in the feedback /mod

good writings dared, i like the theme that you have given to it. Grammatically correct from what i see, but what's the meaning behind this? it is to me a little bit unclear. I wish you good luck, as i am a beginner myself and i wish to hear some critiques from you soon! Cheers 

[Reflection]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

The imagery is good but for me there is just one line as i was reading didn't really work for me  "the cold slab pushing against him"  when reading again  "the cold slab pushing into his soul"  its the fear that they want to see but then, again in thinking, was the understanding of soul there, maybe its the word "pushing" you have me thinking and thats one of the reason why i really like this.

[Southern Scarab]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps. This reads a little awkwardly for me. Is it worded this way to imply multiple heavens? Perhaps,"on the steps of the heavens", for example. The 's right before the words steps causes me to stutter over it when read, but maybe that's just me.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky. Why am I suddenly craving red-velvet cake?

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him. Nice. Gives the impression of being raised up to be consumed.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

**enjoyed extensively**
I really like how the image that this is taking place at the top of a pyramid is constructed without being said. The frequent parallel between above and below was well taken advantage of. My favorite line:
it's sculpted.
yes.
I do find the title inconsistent with the theme of an Aztec sacrifice. The poem it's self refers to 'gods' and 'the heaven's steps', which would correctly imply a polytheistic setting. The title refers to God, singularly. Is this intentional?

Anywho, I loved it thanks for the read. =)

[operadiva]

I love the topic! which many people have already said. I just wanted more. i think you could describe things better. Show us exactly what is happening and why. I am not the meter/rhythm police, because I don't think it is always necessary. However, if that was your goal, it wasn't clear at all and it seemed forced. let the English flow naturally. If you was a strict rhythm you might want to double check the second half of the poem. I don't know much about the Aztec culture, which is why I wanted this poem to almost teach me more! How violent was the ritual? do people volunteer? is it an honor? Those were a few questions i had as the reader. 

Thank you so much for sharing! Keep writing and posting, I want to get a better feel for your voice.

[REW]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

Hello, 

There are some wonderfully unique descriptions/images in this.  I quite like it.  My one criticism here is for the ending.  The images are all unique, but then the last one is not.  It reads a little awkwardly as well and doesn't quite make sense, or perhaps the "it's sculpted" doesn't modify the right thing.  My suggestion would be to consider cutting those last two lines or reworking them.  I do love the first two lines though

[esh12]

The feathered man and jagged knife, 
a totem on the heaven's steps. Nice contrast here between 'feathered' and 'jagged' - the beauty of the man still living and the harshness of what awaits him. 

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky. Your poem has beautiful images, but they get obscured because y[b]ou use the form modifier-noun quite often (e.g., "feathered man", "jagged knife", "heaven's steps", "sun's gaze", "night sky", "life's debt", etc.). Varying your phrasing will bring out these images. [/b]

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. It's not clear who hungers here, the people or the gods. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


I like that you've represented all participants in the event: the sacrificial victim, the mass of people, the gods, nature. I wonder what your attitude is towards this event. You position yourself as an impartial observer ("trying to imagine the scene"), but there are moments when you seem to feel for the victim. You portray his helplessness and fear, for example. You contrast his vulnerability with the blind hunger of the mass of people and/or gods. The people do pray to the gods, which shows their subordination. But the victim is the only one whose emotional reality you've explored, and that might say something about your attitude towards the scene. Exploring your personal voice - how you're affected by what you see - would add to your poem, in my opinion.  

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A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

[Cadence_CS]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

A human sacrifice was clearly portrayed. I understood the circumstances almost immediately. I think the imagery is beautiful in a dark way and I love it. I think it was important that the whole poem was told in the moment, but the last two words are past tense and final like the mans life. It ended it nicely.

[Mark Cecil]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt. 

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted. 


-------------------------------------------------

A pretty simple poem trying to imagine the scene of Aztec human sacrifice. Not super deep, but just wanted to know if the imagery is good or not and if the rhythm is good. But yea any kind of critique is welcome.

I love the way you've stuck to an eight syllable structure throughout and you have some quite vivid imagery as well e.g. "the sun dripping red into velvet skies" I love how this is a clear reference to the sheer violent nature of human sacrifice.  Also the line "the cold slab pushing against him" personifies the stone slab the victim is lying on as pushing him up ready to be offered for sacrifice. 

Describing the people as swaying and praying to the darkest gods gives the image of them being in some kind of trance.  "Fear roots into the man's features" describes well how fear overcomes the whole person of the victim and the climax "The knife descending, its sculpted" is thought provoking with "sculpted" giving a dehumanising element to the victim.

[Mark Cecil]

The feathered man and jagged knife,
a totem on the heaven's steps.

Sun's gaze bleeding through cotton clouds,
dripping red into velvet sky.

A body writhes against the ropes,
the cold slab pushing against him.

Below, the mass of people sway,
and they pray to the darkest gods

that swallow the stars and night sky.
But now they hunger for life's debt.

Fear roots into the man's features.
The knife descending, it's sculpted.


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Great imagery in your poem its challenged me as a newbie to poetry as I find imagery difficult to produce at times. I love how you described the sun dripping red into the sky highlighting the violent nature of human sacrifice and the cold slab pushing against the victim almost personifying it as pushing the body up to the gods. Also how you rhyme sway and pray in reference to the people gives the idea their in some kind of trance. The use of the words "roots" and "sculpted" give strong vivid images to end with as well