Yellow Evening

[azure]

heart pangs
the rose-hewn sky barks
violet lightening
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does
sometimes.

tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises

I heed not certain thoughts.

[Alic Elliot]

heart pangs
the rose-hewn sky barks 
violet lightening These first three lines are weak- maybe unnecessary. Why heart pangs? Why the personification in L2? 
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does
sometimes.
All I'd do to these is move “does" to the last line. It's a bit choppy at the moment.

tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.
Refusing what? Company? 

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises
The connection --if there is one-- between people, the devils, and the moon and stars could be made better. Keep the stanza, it's nice. But add too it.

I heed not certain thoughts.
What thoughts? This line is strong- give it meaning.
As of now, this raises more questions than anything. Phrases that might be metaphores, possible connections that are unclear. It needs to be brought into focus. There's a lot of good stuff in here. It looks like it will be something great. It's just blurry, that's all.

[MadelineAnne]

Hi azure. I like the originality of the language and images. I have a few thoughts below.

heart pangs ~this feels like a weak entrance to me. Sets the poem up to be viewed as sappy or woe is me.
the rose-hewn sky barks
violet lightening
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does ~I'd leave off "does sometimes." I don't think you need those two words.
sometimes. ~I don't understand why you bother with periods at the end of some lines when there is no other punctuation.

tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises

I heed not certain thoughts. ~I don't like the sudden insertion of a more antique mode of speech. Especially when the rest feels so modern. I wouldn't use 'heed' at all, actually. Maybe substitute another word that's more up to date.

Otherwise, it's a very fun read.

[CRNDLSM]

I like the way the sounds come out as I say them.  If you left the punctuation out to make me reread everything in as many different ways as I could then there you have it.  But as far as lasting effect, I see no purpose.

heart pangs
the rose-hewn sky barks
violet lightening  I like all these color changes, maybe it's not a 'yellow evening'
I'm slicing this line sounds like rap in all the 'eye' sounds going on...
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does
sometimes.I like these three though

tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous. Yellow, 

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils paranoid?
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep cause they're tired scared and sad?
constellations rush out to rusti like even if I don't understand it, rust is yellowish
as the Moon risesmoons are yellowish

I heed not certain thoughts.the thought you're having writing this poem? The thoughts you're not telling us?  Hermitage seems like quiet alone time, but it's sulfur, but outside is scary, so what would the night refuse? Or be refused on this night, the thought that are normally heeded?

You set up a nice setting, but I'm fairly confused

[John1865]

Hello Azure, 

I believe some of your images and metaphors are actually quite provocative and, in general, quite interesting, but without stable an concrete "thoroughfare" or "narrative" (and I mean narrative, of course, not as a story, but as an overarching theme), that the poem lacks a sort of resonance with the reader. In short, it comes off as word soup. Regardless, I think the foundations are laid here for a quite evocative piece of poetry, if only you could expand on the contentedness of your images. Note: I also understand that this takes from a sort of surrealist tradition, but I don't believe that to be an excuse for word-soup.

heart pangs (Maybe a comma here to show the difference between your first two images)
the rose-hewn sky barks 
violet lightening
I'm slicing 
details of daylight apart 
in my mind like silence does (Perhaps to get that ephemeral, almost dreamlike feel, you could use an alliteration here at the final line ...in my mind as silence slices sometimes. This is just a thought of course).
sometimes.

tonight is ripe with refusal 
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous. 

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep 
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises

I heed not certain thoughts. (What certain thoughts are these? You make a point of using the word certain, so perhaps an enumeration or at the very least an expansion of what you mean by "certain" might be profitable here)

In short, I think your poem could come to something quite great with a little bit of expansion, and relation of the imagery.