Young Man's Grief

[RiverNotch]

Young Man's Grief


Not like a knife
but like a hundred hundred needles
grief shoots through,

prick by prick drawing
out of the body the color
(not merely red

but the defining plethora
of blues and greens, golds and browns)
until the skin is a shout

to all existence, saying
"Lost keys? Broken homes? Ruined hands?
Ha! Your art may sting

but I still hold the knife."

[Leanne]

Young Man's Grief


Not like a knife
but like a hundred hundred needles -- at first this surprised me and I wasn't sure about it, but only because it subverted the expected "hundred thousand", so now I like it
grief shoots through,

prick by prick drawing -- love this line break
out of the body the color
(not merely red

but the defining plethora -- I don't think plethora is exactly the right word in this context, given that it's usually used to describe an excess, with a somewhat negative connotation (although I do see it misused a fair amount) -- myriad might be better, although that's overused these days.  Maybe multitude, or array?
of blues and greens, golds and browns)
until the skin is a shout -- yes!

to all existence, saying
"Lost keys? Broken homes? Ruined hands?
Ha! Your art may sting -- ooh, the scathing angst of youth

but I still hold the knife." -- excellent break, excellent close

So much to love here.  I don't know why this resonates so strongly, but it really does.  Thank you.

[kolemath]

Young Man's Grief


Not like a knife
but like a hundred hundred needles I donno. Hundred hundred feels like a typo
grief shoots through,

prick by prick drawing
out of the body the color
(not merely red

but the defining plethora maybe just definition?
of blues and greens, golds and browns)
until the skin is a shout and yes

to all existence, saying existence is heavy-handed and abstract
"Lost keys? Broken homes? Ruined hands? I love this contrast everyday stressors Freudian root issues and poetic image
Ha! Your art may sting

but I still hold the knife." So grief speaks here. I guess knife works since the opening line says not like a knife. Grief can still hold the knife..

Nice work

[RiverNotch]

Thanks! Thoughts:

Hundred hundred is intentional. I suppose the emotional overflow I was in reading that (though that season was in no way a sad one, weird) bled through.

I liked plethora for its sound, and I thought its connotation was equally negative-positive enough to work. Now I'm thinking multitude, because being Biblical for the sake of it...although M-W's first definition is an interesting take: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/plethora Gonna maybe mull.

Again, thanks, kolemath, Leanne.

[kolemath]

On second thought Teen Angst is overly severe so all of existence might work but I can't help but be reminded of satire in the process

[Wjames]

Young Man's Grief


Not like a knife
but like a hundred hundred needles
grief shoots through,

prick by prick drawing
out of the body the color
(not merely red

but the defining plethora
of blues and greens, golds and browns)
until the skin is a shout

to all existence, saying
"Lost keys? Broken homes? Ruined hands?
Ha! Your art may sting

but I still hold the knife."

Piercing.

[Achebe]

Young Man's Grief


Not like a knife
but like a hundred hundred needles
grief shoots through,

prick by prick drawing
out of the body the color
(not merely red

but the defining plethora
of blues and greens, golds and browns)
until the skin is a shout

to all existence, saying
"Lost keys? Broken homes? Ruined hands?
Ha! Your art may sting

but I still hold the knife."

What's wrong with you? You're posting one masterpiece after another. Are you sure you haven't got consumption?

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the responses.
kolemath: I do hope that's the only bit that feels a little over-much.
Achebe: This is the second of three in a series, actually -- the third was the first I posted. I'm not really sure if the first is any good, just as I wasn't sure if this was any good, this read too simple -- I'll post it once an equivalent amount of time has passed.
Again, thanks!

[Lizzie]

River, I really like this one. Ok, I've been liking a lot of them

I'm not sure that you need the first line. I understand that it reinforces the knife element, but it feels awkward to me to not just begin on 'like a hundred hundred needles.' I don't think that cutting the first line (ha, cutting!) will diminish the ending in any way. Just a thought.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the response! I think the first line sets up a sense of suspense and whatever for the next line, so I'll have to think about it some more.
Again, thanks!