Smear [edit]

[dukealien]

Smear


Denial:  drawing with
dark india ink
making all opaque
indelibly

then too late
warm, wet warning
down along
your sliding hand.

Denial is like drawing
with black india ink.
It covers all things
perfectly, indelible
- until you feel
that warm, wet warning
on one edge of your hand.

I looked it up - "india" should not be capitalized in this usage   .

[kolemath]

Nice work. Maybe instead of all things, something body-specific? Or maybe it doesn't cover the body until it hits the hand? Either way, is all things the choice? Dash instead of hyphen before until.

[Erthona]

I could see this shortened to make it more succinct. Example, not a suggestion.

Denial: drawing
with black india ink,
covering all things
perfectly, indelibly
until you feel
that (the) warm-wet warning
on one (the) edge of your hand.(which one?)

Best,

dale

[RiverNotch]

Smear


Denial is like drawing
with black india ink. Isn't the typical and original sort of india ink already black? And besides, with "denial", I think it's the first thing to pop out anyway.
It covers all things
perfectly, indelible Indelibly?
- until you feel Not sure about the em dash before here, since grammatically it's smooth, and the poem doesn't feel sparse or blotchy enough for such a mid-syntax break -- and if it is staying, far prefer making it an actual em dash, or at least two hyphens.
that warm, wet warning
on one edge of your hand. I don't get why "one" instead of the far cleaner "the".

I looked it up - "india" should not be capitalized in this usage   .

Fair, but the clumsy bits do bring it down.

[dukealien]

edit 1

Smear


Denial:  drawing with
dark india ink
making all opaque
indelibly

then too late
warm, wet warning
down along
your sliding hand.

---

Many thanks to the three high-quality critics.  My main problem here (so far) was that I wrote a very short poem using longer-poem techniques rather than an austere haiku-like style... then posted it in Short Form instead of  Mild.  However, the critics rightly critique it  as Short.  To which I respond by going a bit spare, er, austere... and also lengthening it .

@all - hyphen eliminated and "indelibly."

@Erthona - your suggestions addressed, including which hand (though it's by no means unknown to perform the classic draftsman's smear with the straight edge or the support hand).

@RiverNotch - I've drawn (and airbrushed) with colored "india" inks, but they don't smell like the real thing.  And they only stain, they don't lock in and hang on like grim death as the genuine article does.

Hope adding the "too late" business doesn't make the intended analogy with psychological denial too opaque