< robin's shadow >

[rayheinrich]

original version:



                               

                                                                              < robin's shadow >
 
                                                                                a corner of mouth
                                                                                a glimpse
                                                                                a flash of pink
 
                                                                                        lips
 
                                                                                      yours
 



dragon version:

                                                                                        - - -
                   

                                                                              < robin's shadow >
 
                                                                                a corner of mouth
                                                                                a glimpse
                                                                                a flash of pink

                                                                                        - - -

[RiverNotch]

The picture is tied to the poem. At first, I was left wondering whether or not the picture was a stock picture, and if not, whether the person in the picture was a stranger or not -- somehow, I was bothered by the character of her person, I'm a little too austere or antiquated, but then I started focusing, closely relating the words to the image, or rather the meanings behind the words, the thoughts and feelings ---- and I got bugged by "a corner of mouth", it felt redundant (my usual fixation is hair), and also by the superfluous "yours" (I don't think I've whispered such to an other). But the sting still throbbed, and I started unpeeling the picture, and realized that something felt more artificial than usual: it had a filter, especially, it seemed, one of those un-personalized smartphone ones, such that the sense of falsehood started bleeding out of the picture, and into the poem, the feelings, the sting. Now, my personal treatment of the piece is one of disappointment, perhaps mirroring my usual disappointment regarding the contrast between reality and fantasy -- but the alienation did provide a sense of objectivity, enough to remove the aforementioned enough to remove the aforementioned issues, the redundancy gives the poem movement, and the seemingly superfluous "yours" is the kiss ---- such that overall, the picture is tied to the poem, but now in the same way light is tied to darkness, meaning is tied to void, and the strange blend of cause and effect, of descriptor and described, and of word and image, is the final, beautiful focus. Lovely work ------ or perhaps I am in an especially loving mood.

[Erthona]

OK and then...


dale

[Bueller]

Not a huge fan of the pic (not that she's unworthy of such attention), but there's no visual of the side smile described and I find that unsatisfying.

I agree with Dale that it's a stronger poem without the last two words, although RiverNotch's justification of them is poetry.

[rayheinrich]

The picture is tied to the poem. At first, I was left wondering whether or not the picture was a stock picture, and if not, whether the person in the picture was a stranger or not -- somehow, I was bothered by the character of her person, I'm a little too austere or antiquated, but then I started focusing, closely relating the words to the image, or rather the meanings behind the words, the thoughts and feelings ---- and I got bugged by "a corner of mouth", it felt redundant (my usual fixation is hair), and also by the superfluous "yours" (I don't think I've whispered such to an other). But the sting still throbbed, and I started unpeeling the picture, and realized that something felt more artificial than usual: it had a filter, especially, it seemed, one of those un-personalized smartphone ones, such that the sense of falsehood started bleeding out of the picture, and into the poem, the feelings, the sting. Now, my personal treatment of the piece is one of disappointment, perhaps mirroring my usual disappointment regarding the contrast between reality and fantasy -- but the alienation did provide a sense of objectivity, enough to remove the aforementioned enough to remove the aforementioned issues, the redundancy gives the poem movement, and the seemingly superfluous "yours" is the kiss ---- such that overall, the picture is tied to the poem, but now in the same way light is tied to darkness, meaning is tied to void, and the strange blend of cause and effect, of descriptor and described, and of word and image, is the final, beautiful focus. Lovely work ------ or perhaps I am in an especially loving mood.

You remain as inscrutable as ever, but I quite appreciate your comments.

Not a huge fan of the pic (not that she's unworthy of such attention), but there's no visual of the side smile described and I find that unsatisfying.

I agree with Dale that it's a stronger poem without the last two words, although RiverNotch's justification of them is poetry.

I took out the last two words for Dale.

I changed the image to a dragon's shadow which has the side smile you were looking for.
(I thought changing the image to a robin's shadow was way too literal for a poem).

[RiverNotch]

                   

Well now that's just unfair (xD). Although looking at the link for the original pic, ey, double to my wow!
http://wordbiscuit.com/im12/robin.jpg

[ellajam]

I maintain the image of the woman and think of the current of her shadow, interesting against the softness of the poem. Maybe you can combine the two images, though that may not be what you meant.

[RiverNotch]

I maintain the image of the woman and think of the current of her shadow, interesting against the softness of the poem. Maybe you can combine the two images, though that may not be what you meant.

[ellajam]

Nope, That's a girl, I saw her as a woman and the poem as romantic.

[rayheinrich]

Nope, That's a girl, I saw her as a woman and the poem as romantic.

Any girl that can control a fire-breathing dragon is a WOMAN!
And since when aren't dragons romantic?
(But yeah, I understand, I was mainly joking... though you gotta admit that the dragon-heat fries a lot of sap out of poem.)

I maintain the image of the woman and think of the current of her shadow, interesting against the softness of the poem. Maybe you can combine the two images, though that may not be what you meant.

Now you've got the spirit!
That, by the way, is where I got the dragon from in the second place.
It just needed cropping, sharpening, and lots of red pixels.

                   

[rayheinrich]

Nope, That's a girl, I saw her as a woman and the poem as romantic.

    I am nothing, if not romantic. (Little "r" versus big "R".)
    My favorite poems are romantic ones. More than 50% of my poems are in this category.
    They're, for me, difficult poems to write as the traditiontional stereotypes are so hard to overcome.
    While both love and dragons are indeed such, I  differed to your judgement and have reversed their order.