Asymptotic Freedom

[shemthepenman]

She's my life—
but, she's not my girl.

Paint him
putting his boot on.

[Lizzie]

I don't know if you're looking for feedback on this one or not. Presuming the last bit is talking about another man in the girl's life? Is 'boot' inferring that the girl is being kept under someone's heel? This is good content, but I don't understand where the painting bit factors in. The last two lines just lack clarity for me.

I like the title very much, and that idea of two people heading the same direction, getting so close but never touching fits well with the first two lines.

[shemthepenman]

I don't know if you're looking for feedback on this one or not. Presuming the last bit is talking about another man in the girl's life? Is 'boot' inferring that the girl is being kept under someone's heel? This is good content, but I don't understand where the painting bit factors in. The last two lines just lack clarity for me.

I like the title very much, and that idea of two people heading the same direction, getting so close but never touching fits well with the first two lines.

i don't mind feedback. it helps.
this one's just an idea--but it doesn't work. most of my posts here, at the moment, are more or less de-contextualized notes fallen off a margin.
and thank you.

[rayheinrich]

De-contextualized notes,
fallen off a margin.

Paint him,
putting his boot on.

[shemthepenman]

De-contextualized notes,
fallen off a margin.

Paint him,
putting his boot on.

now, you see, that works.