I am thinking of you (fragment)

[Achebe]

I am thinking of you
in the slow train's rolling,
in double glazed harbour windows passing by;
and the stories within them,
the shadowy lives
of unsaluted lovers 
for whom no bells are tolling.

[billy]

it worked till the play on j. donne's words and then i also thought of hemmingway's novel and no man is an island concept. mmm maybe it did indeed work

[Achebe]

it worked till the play on j. donne's words and then i also thought of hemmingway's novel and no man is an island concept. mmm maybe it did indeed work

Thanks billy
I think the key is in L5 and L6 - important to have the right words there and I don't think they're there yet

[Sparkydashforth]

Like this.

I am thinking of you
in the slow train's rolling,..................love the movement in these lines
in double glazed harbour windows passing by;............don't get the 'harbor" allusion. Otherwise good imagery.

and the stories within them,
the shadowy lives
of unsaluted lovers .................good lines
for whom no bells are tolling.....................this twisted quote does not work for me. Nothing to suggest, but I am sure you can find a stronger end line.

[Bueller]

I am thinking of you
in the slow train's rolling,
in double glazed harbour windows passing by;
and the stories within them,
the shadowy lives
of unsaluted lovers 
for whom no bells are tolling.

I like how the ending brings in the element of mortality as an overlapping element to the theme of dying love. 'Shadowy' makes me think of illicit love, while 'unsaluted' feels like there's something noble in it, a job well done that's going unrecognized. This could speak to the ambivalence of the speaker, or it could be a dissonance of meaning. But, I think you sent the scene beautifully, and there's something very universal here.