I thought it was you I saw (edit 2)

[Achebe]

With a brand new line in L5. I think it makes more sense now.

I thought it was you I saw (edit 2)

I thought it was you I saw,
as if looking to fly away.
For a moment it was you I saw
in a glimpse, though you're far away,
where the round earth falls off sloping
under the moon.

And thinking it was you I saw,
I rejoiced in the hoping
for a flash of black eyes, far away,
a sinking twilight star away,
where the winter forest's moping
under the moon.



Edit 1

I don't know if this qualifies as poetry but ilm happily drunk and therefore everything is poetry.

I thought it was you I saw

I thought it was you I saw
as if looking to fly away
for a moment it was you I saw
in a glimpse, though you're far away
under the moon.

And thinking it was you I saw 
I rejoiced in the hoping
for a flash of black eyes, far away
a sinking twilight star away
where the winter forest's moping
under the moon.

Original

I thought it was you I saw
as if looking to fly away
for a moment it was you I saw
in a glimpse, though you're far away
under the moon.

And thinking it was you I saw 
I rejoiced in the hoping
for a flash of black eyes, far away
a sinking twilight star away
where the winter forest's moping
under the moon.

[shemthepenman]

I don't know if this qualifies as poetry but ilm happily drunk and therefore everything is poetry.

I thought it was you I saw

I thought it was you I saw
as if looking to fly away
for a moment it was you I saw
in a glimpse, though you're far away
under the moon.

And thinking it was you I saw 
I rejoiced in the hoping
for a flash of black eyes, far away
a sinking twilight star away
where the winter forest's moping
under the moon.

hello,

well, this sure is a poem and a quite beautiful one, at that. . . i would, however, prefer something other that the clunky "i rejoiced in the hoping". unlike the rest, it sounds very unnatural and forced.

anyway, thanks for sharing.

[Achebe]

Thank you. That's a nice thing to say and I agree that "rejoiced in the hoping" is both ham handed and one syllable too many.

[Lizzie]

I don't know if this qualifies as poetry but ilm happily drunk and therefore everything is poetry.

I thought it was you I saw

I thought it was you I saw
as if looking to fly away
for a moment it was you I saw
in a glimpse, though you're far away
under the moon.

And thinking it was you I saw 
I rejoiced in the hoping
for a flash of black eyes, far away
a sinking twilight star away -- beautiful
where the winter forest's moping -- like this too, evocative
under the moon.

Ok, my question is: why especially 'under the moon'? Admittedly, it's a more atmospheric choice than say, 'relatively near Andromeda in galactic terms' or 'standing on top of the earth's crust'? But, what does it establish other than it's night and you're on planet earth? I like the repetition of it, however I would substitute something a bit more specific to this love, or at least something more surprising; referencing moonlight in the context of love poetry has been done a good bit.

Otherwise, I thought it was lovely.

[Achebe]

Thanks Lizzie.
It's possible that 'under the moon' sounds a bit funny. Werewolf romance isn't that big a thing.

[Achebe]

Edit 2

[Lizzie]

Yeah, that helps to integrate the 'under the moon' bit, from my perspective. A good fix, to bring the sky and the horizon together.

I see your tiny font issues have resurfaced.

[Achebe]

Danke. I get the tiny font from typing on my mobile. The html controls aren't mobile friendly on the site. It's been "fix/d" as billy would say