The Father

[muteyy]

After Donald told me that no poem deserves to be thrown out until someone reads it, it inspired me to at least share a little of what I have going on. I am a very new writer to poetry, and I have loved it for a long time, just never had the courage to post it. Now given that I am not a courageous person, please do not hold back with the critique. I am making my willful decision to post this, so I want everything you have. I would love to work on this and perfect it, along with the craft itself. (I apologize for this secondary introduction. I will be quiet now.)


The son has no father.
The father has no son,
For the son has no Father.
Son is the prodigal,
Father is the awaiting.
The Father keeps his score,
16 points for the profligate father.
Vanquished the son,
With the Father.

Three blind mice,
In the heavens.
The Father, The Son,
The Spirit. In darkness,
They lead the father.
Holding the silhouette hand
of promise.
To the door of decisions,
The father takes no pause.

The son has no father,
The father has no son.
For father has his Father,
And the son has his newborne.

[CRNDLSM]

Since this is basic critique and you're new, I want to ask what you find poetic about this, and focus on that. For me, too much father son back and forth, is and has, and choppy sentences. Elaboration
I like thinking about a father son match like basketball, competition, you know, like personal life aside on the field. Mano a Mano.

I said in my head, '16 pointS to gryffindor!' But I got way lost in the heavens, why call them blind mice, are you focusing on how weird thE holy trinity is? 3 in 1 and such.

I like the enjambent of 'in darkness'

[Achebe]

If the son is in heaven with the father, then how is he a prodigal? If you took S2, appended the last 3 lines of S1 at the end, and discarded the rest, then you might have some sort of poem on your hands.

[nibbed]

Hi.

It was a poem I had to really concentrate to catch, because of the teeter-tottering, and partly because of my ongoing challenge with comprehension. I actually "got it", a sort of Cats-in-the-cradle  type piece, but not, where perhaps dad is more a picture of the prodigal because his position of judgement and conditional love (taking score, unforgiveness) cancels him out as a true believer? Wondering why the Trinity was portrayed as superficial unless the son felt such stinging hurt by his father that he rejected his faith, finding solace with a different walk. Could newborne be a metaphor concerning a sort of personal enlightenment or freedom? The title seemed a bit too simple, giving less power/clarity to the piece.



Best wishes!

[Flos Campi]

In lines 4-5, I would suggest moving the "the"s so it becomes "The son is prodigal,/The father is awaiting" as this seems to better parallel the way you refer to these two figures throughout S1. Additionally, although I like the meaning that you're getting across in the last 4 lines of S2, I think that they could be rewritten to improve the imagery. Maybe make a more concrete sensory connection between what is happening in Heaven and on Earth?

The tone and form of the poem is gorgeous though, especially the first 3 lines of S1 and all of S3, so I think that with a bit of revision it will be absolutely fantastic.

[muteyy]

First off, I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to my "poem." I understand its difficulty to read, so I definitely appreciate time spent. Now I would like to address everyone's questions and comments about it.

Since this is basic critique and you're new, I want to ask what you find poetic about this, and focus on that.  For me, too much father son back and forth, is and has, and choppy sentences. - I definitely see where you are coming from here. It is not an easy read by any means, and there is no flow to it. I will try to work on this.
Elaboration - What would you like to see elaborated?
I like thinking about a father son match like basketball, competition, you know, like personal life aside on the field.  Mano a Mano. - That is sort of the vibe I was going for here, aside from the fact it is from a 3rd person point of view. I will think and reconsider the choice I have made.

I said in my head, '16 pointS to gryffindor!'  But I got way lost in the heavens, why call them blind mice, are you focusing on how weird thE holy trinity is? 3 in 1 and such. - I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, so I like that you got some enjoyment out this. 16 points refers to how many points the word "profligate" would be in Scrabble. Obscure reference, I know, but I enjoyed it. In hindsight, very few people would understand that, so I will probably end up taking it out. I also address the Three Blind Mice in a comment later. Not so much weirdness, but more of a blind leading the blind.

I like the enjambent of 'in darkness' - Thank you for enjoying some part of it!

If the son is in heaven with the father, then how is he a prodigal? If you took S2,  appended the last 3 lines of S1 at the end, and discarded the rest, then you might have some sort of poem on your hands. - The son is not in heaven with the father. They are both on Earth. I see how it could be confusing since I use two forms of the word "Son" and two forms with the word "Father". In some instances the father is God, and in some it is the child. Same with the son being used as Jesus. The son not conforming to the "Father" (uppercase F), is why the father (lowercase f) has no son. Therefore the reference to the prodigal son.

Hi.

It was a poem I had to really concentrate to catch, because of the teeter-tottering, and partly because of my ongoing challenge with comprehension. I actually "got it", a sort of Cats-in-the-cradle  type piece, but not, where perhaps dad is more a picture of the prodigal (I really like this idea) because his position of judgement and conditional love (taking score, unforgiveness) cancels him out as a true believer? - THANK YOU. It was probably along and rough journey to the end, but yes, you did get the overall point I was attempting to get across. I was not referring the father as not being a "true believer", but too much of a believer. (If there can be such a thing.) The choice of his religion and his "Father" being more important than his son.
 Wondering why the Trinity was portrayed as superficial unless the son felt such stinging hurt by his father that he rejected his faith, finding solace with a different walk. - The Three Blind Mice comparison was to imply that the blind are leading the blind. Again, obscure, but it made sense in my head somehow.  
 Could newborne be a metaphor concerning a sort of personal enlightenment or freedom? - This could be taken in the way that you see it, however the point I was trying to get across is that the son has his first child, and he realizes what it is truly like to be a father. (If that makes any sense.)
The title seemed a bit too simple, giving less power/clarity to the piece. - The title is still in work, but I definitely see what you're saying.



Best wishes!

In lines 4-5, I would suggest moving the "the"s so it becomes "The son is prodigal,/The father is awaiting" as this seems to better parallel the way you refer to these two figures throughout S1. - This may cut down on some of the choppiness of reading it as well. Thank you!
Additionally, although I like the meaning that you're getting across in the last 4 lines of S2, I think that they could be rewritten to improve the imagery. Maybe make a more concrete sensory connection between what is happening in Heaven and on Earth? - This was in reference to that "door of decisions," that every person must face when it comes to religion, without living on the fence. It's either one side or the other. I will consider rework around this section to see if any clarity can be added.

The tone and form of the poem is gorgeous though, especially the first 3 lines of S1 and all of S3, so I think that with a bit of revision it will be absolutely fantastic. - I really appreciate that. I am glad that this poem doesn't deserve to go in the trash JUST yet.

Alright alright alright. Thank you again everyone for your comments, and keep them coming if you have any. I enjoyed doing this "piece." I definitely will rework it, and post an updated version when I am more confident with my outcome. )

[Lizzie]

If the son is in heaven with the father, then how is he a prodigal? If you took S2,  appended the last 3 lines of S1 at the end, and discarded the rest, then you might have some sort of poem on your hands. - The son is not in heaven with the father. They are both on Earth. I see how it could be confusing since I use two forms of the word "Son" and two forms with the word "Father". In some instances the father is God, and in some it is the child. Same with the son being used as Jesus. The son not conforming to the "Father" (uppercase F), is why the father (lowercase f) has no son. Therefore the reference to the prodigal son.

My color. For me, this is the root of the readability issue. I think you have good ideas, and obviously a good handle on the English language if you can bandy "profligate" about. My advice is to go for clarity first and then work on adding in poetic devices once you've established that your concepts are coming across.

Welcome to the Pen! ><

[Achebe]

First off, I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to my "poem." I understand its difficulty to read, so I definitely appreciate time spent. Now I would like to address everyone's questions and comments about it.

Since this is basic critique and you're new, I want to ask what you find poetic about this, and focus on that.  For me, too much father son back and forth, is and has, and choppy sentences. - I definitely see where you are coming from here. It is not an easy read by any means, and there is no flow to it. I will try to work on this.
Elaboration - What would you like to see elaborated?
I like thinking about a father son match like basketball, competition, you know, like personal life aside on the field.  Mano a Mano. - That is sort of the vibe I was going for here, aside from the fact it is from a 3rd person point of view. I will think and reconsider the choice I have made.

I said in my head, '16 pointS to gryffindor!'  But I got way lost in the heavens, why call them blind mice, are you focusing on how weird thE holy trinity is? 3 in 1 and such. - I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan, so I like that you got some enjoyment out this. 16 points refers to how many points the word "profligate" would be in Scrabble. Obscure reference, I know, but I enjoyed it. In hindsight, very few people would understand that, so I will probably end up taking it out. I also address the Three Blind Mice in a comment later. Not so much weirdness, but more of a blind leading the blind.

I like the enjambent of 'in darkness' - Thank you for enjoying some part of it!

If the son is in heaven with the father, then how is he a prodigal? If you took S2,  appended the last 3 lines of S1 at the end, and discarded the rest, then you might have some sort of poem on your hands. - The son is not in heaven with the father. They are both on Earth. I see how it could be confusing since I use two forms of the word "Son" and two forms with the word "Father". In some instances the father is God, and in some it is the child. Same with the son being used as Jesus. The son not conforming to the "Father" (uppercase F), is why the father (lowercase f) has no son. Therefore the reference to the prodigal son.

Hi.

It was a poem I had to really concentrate to catch, because of the teeter-tottering, and partly because of my ongoing challenge with comprehension. I actually "got it", a sort of Cats-in-the-cradle  type piece, but not, where perhaps dad is more a picture of the prodigal (I really like this idea) because his position of judgement and conditional love (taking score, unforgiveness) cancels him out as a true believer? - THANK YOU. It was probably along and rough journey to the end, but yes, you did get the overall point I was attempting to get across. I was not referring the father as not being a "true believer", but too much of a believer. (If there can be such a thing.) The choice of his religion and his "Father" being more important than his son.
 Wondering why the Trinity was portrayed as superficial unless the son felt such stinging hurt by his father that he rejected his faith, finding solace with a different walk. - The Three Blind Mice comparison was to imply that the blind are leading the blind. Again, obscure, but it made sense in my head somehow.  
 Could newborne be a metaphor concerning a sort of personal enlightenment or freedom? - This could be taken in the way that you see it, however the point I was trying to get across is that the son has his first child, and he realizes what it is truly like to be a father. (If that makes any sense.)
The title seemed a bit too simple, giving less power/clarity to the piece. - The title is still in work, but I definitely see what you're saying.



Best wishes!

In lines 4-5, I would suggest moving the "the"s so it becomes "The son is prodigal,/The father is awaiting" as this seems to better parallel the way you refer to these two figures throughout S1. - This may cut down on some of the choppiness of reading it as well. Thank you!
Additionally, although I like the meaning that you're getting across in the last 4 lines of S2, I think that they could be rewritten to improve the imagery. Maybe make a more concrete sensory connection between what is happening in Heaven and on Earth? - This was in reference to that "door of decisions," that every person must face when it comes to religion, without living on the fence. It's either one side or the other. I will consider rework around this section to see if any clarity can be added.

The tone and form of the poem is gorgeous though, especially the first 3 lines of S1 and all of S3, so I think that with a bit of revision it will be absolutely fantastic. - I really appreciate that. I am glad that this poem doesn't deserve to go in the trash JUST yet.

Alright alright alright. Thank you again everyone for your comments, and keep them coming if you have any. I enjoyed doing this "piece." I definitely will rework it, and post an updated version when I am more confident with my outcome. )

Eh? The Christian Messiah is the prodigal but he's in heaven with his Pater, so how is he a prodigal? It would have made sense if the earthly son, John Baxter, say, was a prodigal for not believing in the Christian myth.