race

[Erthona]

race
 
being an asshole
has nothing to do with the
color of your skin
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[ellajam]

I know it's a 5/7/5 but I'd prefer "the" or, better, "with the" dropped down to L3.

[RiverNotch]

race
 
being an asshole
has nothing to do with the
color of your skin
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

i disagree. i find that the whiter the person, the greater the chances of him or her being an asshole. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colonialism

i hope it's obvious that i jest. but here: i don't really mind "with the" being in the middle line -- it feels cleaner, when following the more traditional structure. the more traditional structure which, i must add, was first developed by non-whites.

[dukealien]

A very pithy way to state this particular truth.  But, as with other derangements, there may be some probabilities involved with the likely response to the situation (of discovering, or construcitng, one's race).

One is reminded of the old joke:

Driver:  Why are you giving me a ticket?  You cops are all racists!
Cop:  I'm not giving you a ticket for being the race you are.  I'm giving you a ticket for being an asshole.
Driver:  How could you know that before you stopped me?
Cop:  I didn't until you opened your mouth.

[Beardowulf]

Anyone can be an asshole indeed. I like this very much. I agree with Ellajam, there are many modern haiku's that do not follow the typical 5/7/5 pattern to a tee.

[billy]

i like it though i'm also of a mind that 575 isn't mandatory and is a western invention; though it can of course be used to learn structure or simply because the poet wishes to use it.

while i do like the poem; senryu, i personally think it works better without [the] and your. though if the poem is to be read as poem to the reader and not as a statement then leave as is.

race
 
being an asshole
has nothing to do with the
color of your skin
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

[Achebe]

race
 
being an asshole
has nothing to do with the
color of your skin
 
 
erthona
 
©2017

It isn't witty or insightful enough to be an epigram. It's just a statement like any other generic statement. I don't see anything poetic about it.

[billy]

many senryu and sometimes haiku can be read as simple statement. but yes, it could do with a change of direction.

[Erthona]

Thanks for the reads... I was being ironic with the form. As any have read me on the use of American haiku, I have always denigrated the idea. So just a little playing around.  

Achebe, Do you often find much of the poetic in American haiku? Devoid of rhythm or rhyme, based on a strict syllable count. In reality it should be based on "morae" whereas syllable is no equivalent. Plus no "saijiki" from which to draw the "kigo".

The play here is that once the superficial is removed (you know those things we usually go to war over, religion, culture, et al.) we find humanity is all the same despite such things as skin color, height, and so forth: or that was the idea. We all want peace, safety, and enough to be able to raise our children well, or if you will, "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness". Of course one wonders these days where one might find that.

~\_ _/~



dale


Sorry, forgot:  Achebe You were absolutely correct.

[Magpie]

Dale,

I didn't get the irony either; even though I know your views on the 5-7-5 form. I have also wrote haiku/senryu with 5-7-5 structure on purpose for the same reason - now I realise that nobody got the joke but me 

It may be a stretch, but if you had put the amount of syllables in each line at the end of the line in parenthesis I would probably got the irony. Alternatively you could call it 'Race Senryu' and make each line 6 syllables - just a thought.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

I'm from a mixed race family, my father ran the 100m and my mother ran the marathon   
yeah I know — don't worry I'm finished.

[Rogo]

race
 
being an asshole
has nothing to do with the
color of your skin
 

It's not haiku —no contrast, temporal indicator, etc. Yeah, it follows the syllabic pattern, though that's not required for English haiku. It's also clearly stating an opinion — so senryu. 

The basic pacing of ideas/images is fine, but it reads as a flat statement. One of the aspects I appreciate about haiku and senryu is that they often exhibit interesting and dynamic syntax (often because of the em dash, brevity of form, etc). 

It's almost as if you quoted someone and set it to haiku's syllabic structure, which (come to think of it) sounds very interesting. In that light, it reminds me of conceptual/post-conceptual poetry's use of "found text." 


EDIT:

Thanks for the reads... I was being ironic with the form. As any have read me on the use of American haiku, I have always denigrated the idea. So just a little playing around.  

Oh...

In my defense, I try not to read previous critiques until I finish my own (so it doesn't influence my opinion). 

I'll keep the original part of my comment up if it's okay. The last part of it got me thinking.

Sorry about the confusion.

[Todd]

Usually, Dale, I'm looking for the pop of surprise in the third line--some contrast, epiphany, or irony. I didn't really get that here. I also hate the line ending on the.

That said, I am not pessimistic of you being able to pull something off with the idea. My reaction might just be style choices.

Just my thoughts,

Todd

[Erthona]

No one need feel the need to retract their crit, it only points out where I failed to succeed in what I was attempting. I really liked Mark's suggestion of 'Race Senryu'.

However, no one need feel they didn't get it (that was not the point of my explanation), the point was "this" was what I was attempting and I obviously did not achieve it. Still it led to good discussion and things for me to ponder next time I attempt something similar.

Thanks again,

dale

[rowens]

I can't get much out of these three line poems. To me they're I was / and I did / and this. But I'm an expert in the subject of race. When I was growing up there were two: White rednecks and black niggers. The whites called themselves rednecks and the blacks called themselves niggers. And they called each other that hatefully, but they always got along. This is the early to mid '90s in the rural American south. The whites and blacks pretended to hate each other, but they really loved each other. The football teams had these hard, solid good-looking white and back and mexican and asian guys, and they kicked the shit out of everybody. . . .

---

But they were always laughing and calling everybody else not on the football team faggots. I was called a faggot. Shit, I wrote poetry and was in drama class. And there were homosexuals in my drama classes and called themselves faggots. And when I was called a faggot by the tough guys on the football team, the gay guys in my drama class laughed at me. Because they knew I wasn't a faggot. So they who were thought less of me too.

---

So I say, people of all races are assholes. I'm an asshole. You're an asshole. My exgirlfriend and her new boyfriend are assholes. Just get over it. I love and have loved my whole life people who were of other races and sexual pers however you spell it usians than me. White people have called me a dirty spic over and over throughout my life. And I call a spade a spade. We all deserve to be made fun of. I just get: Honky, Cracker, Spick, Squint-eyed, Sand-nigger. I get that over and over. So I'm not ashamed to call a spade a spade or a faggot a faggot. I get called a faggot every day of my life. And if I was gay, I'd just be gay. I don't have anything against it.

---

When I write, I don't think about the social group the word identifies with. I use words like faggot and nigger as words themselves. I'm a word man. I use words because I'm defending language. I don't give a shit about the racial or sexual group the word describes or offends. I don't care about what words offend. I champion the words themselves. Loser, that's a word for me. I champion it.

[Erthona]

Rowens,

Succinctly put for a bastard (and I mean bastard as a person that has no father who will acknowledge him, as I know you have a bastard Uncle).

Thanks for giving it a read.

dale