|
A Few Lines Decomposed
|
01-16-2017, 09:19 PM
A Few Lines Decomposed
diagonally darter flies on wind a level foe never be erthona ©2017
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't. 
01-18-2017, 03:26 PM
the thrill of watching
trains of thought in transit -- filling in the blanks [or at least that's how reading this piece feels. I can't say if I actually like this formlessness, only that it is -- and it all sounds good, so I suppose in some ways this is a success] 
01-19-2017, 04:14 AM
(01-16-2017, 09:19 PM)Erthona Wrote: A Few Lines Decomposed  This, for me, is the essence of haiku, simple yet profound observation. So, syllables be damned, I say! I'm missing a 'will' in the last line, but it's not necessary. And I don't know where I'd put it either. Before 'foe' maybe? I like it better with diagonally in the middle: darter flies on wind diagonally a level foe he'll never be Ish? What say you?  P.S. River: if you make the last line something more 'train-ish', you'd have a nice little phrase there yourself. 
|
|
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
|
