Ocean prayers

[Alexearth]

"Towards the evening beach, I stopped for an intense amber halo
around the tallest house of the front, a bright fisherman's house.
The light separated the surrounding colors in the simplest pattern; 
the clarity and sense of these shades revealing the true levity 
of our moment. Nearby, men and women gathered in church
for the vespers."

Tear this one up!

[CRNDLSM]

I think the overlap is not intentional, I want to say the first three, or six, lines are interesting to think about, I like the imagery lots of movement, but I don't see levity revealed by anything here... unless it's so deep, I'm not showing the respect it's due? That would make 'our' moment make sense I guess?

"Towards the evening beach, I stopped for an intense amber halo
around the tallest house of the front, a bright fisherman's house.
The light separated the surrounding colors in the simplest pattern; 
the clarity and sense of these shades revealing the true levity 
of our moment. Nearby, men and women gathered in church
for the vespers."

Tear this one up!

[RiverNotch]

It reads like broken prose. I mean, it might be poetic prose, but the current lineation seems to have been an artifact of, say, using a phone to type -- and thus proves a distraction. Of course, I may be wrong, but if I am, then that by itself may be a probelm of the piece, but anyway:

"Towards the evening beach, I stopped for an intense amber halo around the tallest house of the front, a bright fisherman's house. The sentence is a little weird --- I normally find "stopped for" with regard to shopping or eating or some other material act, when followed solely by a noun. So it seems like the speaker is stopping to purchase an "intense amber halo", or even to consume -- as in, to consume like food. Rather, shouldn't it be "stopped to view"?
The light separated the surrounding colors in the simplest pattern; Light can separate color into many simple patterns, so this is a little too vague to make an image, not with the previous sentence giving away no object that has a clear pattern (houses and evening beaches have a little too much variety to fall into one easy visual pattern, and halos are normally plain, providing no opportunities for patterns).
the clarity and sense of these shades revealing the true levity of our moment. Yet again, this is too vague, what with "these shades" never having produced an image in the previous clauses. And "true levity" -- again, that vagueness. I can't feel elevated without you showing me elevation, if not here then in the previous lines.
Nearby, men and women gathered in church for the vespers." First, "vespers" shouldn't, I think, have "the" before it. Second, this is probably the most "elevated" moment, if only because it involves an institution which I love. It is as plain as what surrounds it, but the fact that it provides an actual scene to latch on to makes it stand out, and not in a good way, at least for the rest of the poem.

Though really, not a poem, nor even poetic prose -- you're gonna have to make up for everything by giving the lines more rhythm, or, if you're gonna keep them prosaic, giving them more images, more insights, more specifics.

[Alexearth]

Hey,

thank you all. One of my first prose, I'll keep on going.

Cheers,


Alex