Lovers’ Cliché

[89layers]

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?
 
Is your heart made of stone?
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

For You
Original
You told me so many pretty things
And you showed me your heart
 
But what was it for
It doesn’t mean anything
I don’t know you anymore
 
I could love you or I could leave you alone
 
All the fluttery feelings have gone
Is your heart made of stone
 
What the hell happened
My fancy free friend
 
I am not bound to you
But my heart is resting in the place we met
 
You found me in the rain
Soaking wet like some cliché
 
For a minute
I was swept up in the splendor of your love
But now all the pretty things have gone away
 
I am empty in the naked light of day
I cut along the dotted lines
So, if you care at all
I swear I’ll be ok
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
Are sweet and to its brim
 
And that sunlight finds you
And glows warm against your skin
 
That though you may be gone from me
You will remember when
We stood, soaking in the rain
And you will call me friend
 

[Brownlie]

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?
 
Is your heart made of stone?
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

For You
Original
You told me so many pretty things
And you showed me your heart
 
But what was it for
It doesn’t mean anything
I don’t know you anymore
 
I could love you or I could leave you alone
 
All the fluttery feelings have gone
Is your heart made of stone
 
What the hell happened
My fancy free friend
 
I am not bound to you
But my heart is resting in the place we met
 
You found me in the rain
Soaking wet like some cliché
 
For a minute
I was swept up in the splendor of your love
But now all the pretty things have gone away
 
I am empty in the naked light of day
I cut along the dotted lines
So, if you care at all
I swear I’ll be ok
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
Are sweet and to its brim
 
And that sunlight finds you
And glows warm against your skin
 
That though you may be gone from me
You will remember when
We stood, soaking in the rain
And you will call me friend
 

This is definitely cliche, but it's not bad. Not everyone can write coherently. I guess being more original will give things extra points -in the poetry realm of things.

---

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?
 
Is your heart made of stone?
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

For You
Original
You told me so many pretty things
And you showed me your heart
 
But what was it for
It doesn’t mean anything
I don’t know you anymore
 
I could love you or I could leave you alone
 
All the fluttery feelings have gone
Is your heart made of stone
 
What the hell happened
My fancy free friend
 
I am not bound to you
But my heart is resting in the place we met
 
You found me in the rain
Soaking wet like some cliché
 
For a minute
I was swept up in the splendor of your love
But now all the pretty things have gone away
 
I am empty in the naked light of day
I cut along the dotted lines
So, if you care at all
I swear I’ll be ok
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
Are sweet and to its brim
 
And that sunlight finds you
And glows warm against your skin
 
That though you may be gone from me
You will remember when
We stood, soaking in the rain
And you will call me friend
 

This is definitely cliche, but it's not bad.  I guess being more original will give things extra points -in the poetry realm of things.

[loboflo]

I feel like there are parts of the poem that get a bit confusing since you don't always continue the punctuation like you did throughout the rest of the poem.  If you were to make the punctuation consistent throughout the poem, it might be a little less confusing.  Also, it seems like it may add to the emotion of the poem if you tried to rhyme the endings of the first few lines where they are in love.  I feel like that would give it more contrasting emotions over the poem. The idea was very unique and I really enjoyed it, just some minor tweaks to make it awesome!

[QDeathstar]

You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché. your title is interesting. However, this opening is extremely weak. It doesn't set anything up honestly and I'm left wondering "Like what cliche"

Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away. im not sure why you've decided the stanzas need to be two lines each. I think that this stanza should be merged with the one below. Poetry is often about showing over telling, however your poem has a lot of telling, and not enough showing. I think personifying love here might work better.

What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?

Is your heart made of stone? this is a silly question. of course not. where did you get this line from?

My heart rests in the place we met. you offer no context clues about where this is?

I could love you,
but I will leave you alonethen why are wasting time on these lines for. It's a non-sequitor letdown.

For you, this adds nothing and honesty should be cut.

I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.

That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.

I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.


its not all bad. There is an idea to be understood from reading the poem, and you are able to get your message across.. but, what about the poem is unique? The title made me want to read but after that I'm struggling to find a stroke of cleverness.

[Mr. Deadpool]

Hey total novice here but let me take a crack at a critique. I get the aim of the poem and the falling of love but at the same time I didnt feel connected to the author. To put plainly I feel like there could have been more deep rooted emotion instead of fancy words or phrases that mask it. Sometimes pretty words muddy the message. I appreciate you sharing and think your poem was good

[unc121]

You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend? I feel like this wording doesn't work, especially with the tone of the rest of the poem. I don't think asking "what the hell happened" fits in. Fancy free sounds a little odd to me, like it's forced almost and not something anyone would say.
 
Is your heart made of stone?
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.

I really like the rest; I like how it flows and the last few stanzas are really pretty.

[MadelineAnne]

Hi 89layers. I like your poem, and I resonate to the feelings I see expressed. You could use a lot more specific detail in places to make the scenes come to life. Lots of things are hinted at, and never explored. It feels like the beginnings of a poem, like the initial brainstorm.

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.  - I like this intro. I like the subtext of wetness/feminine arousal and it expresses the thought we all get at some point in a relationship of: I am the biggest cliche right now!
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away. - 'gone away' is not very strong phasing.
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend? - I don't think this works because the person was clearly more than a friend
 
Is your heart made of stone? - heart of stone is pretty cliche
 
My heart rests in the place we met. - I'd give some specifics here to paint the scene where the initial meeting took place
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 

I hope you'll come back and give this one some more substance and detail. Thanks for sharing.

[HopeVictoria56]

Wow I think you did a really good job editing!! It's got a lot of potential and I think you can reform this and make it great.  Add some visuals in there with metaphors and see what happens.

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché. I definitely understand the cliche your describing here.  You found me in the rain, in need of love and help.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.  I think you can elaborate on fluttery feelings and/or also elaborate on gone away.  There are probably a zillion different beautiful ways to say gone away, so think of one that describes how you feel.  Maybe you feel like once you had so much love and now you have none at all- so maybe think of something in nature that has the same properties?  
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend? Agree that this person was more than a friend to you.  Also I see these lines as you tip toeing around the hurt or loss you might feel that this person caused you.  So maybe dig in there a little bit.  Are you angry? Heartbroken? Betrayed? It's okay to be whatever because it's your poem and it's your release.
 
Is your heart made of stone? Yes a little cliche.
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you, maybe cut this.
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.  Both these stanzas I think are nice and sweet.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

For You
Original
You told me so many pretty things
And you showed me your heart
 
But what was it for
It doesn’t mean anything
I don’t know you anymore
 
I could love you or I could leave you alone
 
All the fluttery feelings have gone
Is your heart made of stone
 
What the hell happened
My fancy free friend
 
I am not bound to you
But my heart is resting in the place we met
 
You found me in the rain
Soaking wet like some cliché
 
For a minute
I was swept up in the splendor of your love
But now all the pretty things have gone away
 
I am empty in the naked light of day
I cut along the dotted lines
So, if you care at all
I swear I’ll be ok
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
Are sweet and to its brim
 
And that sunlight finds you
And glows warm against your skin
 
That though you may be gone from me
You will remember when
We stood, soaking in the rain
And you will call me friend
 

[fanakz]

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché. I really love this line. 
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away. I like that you used alliteration, but the term "fluttery" doesn't sit well with me. If you want to be cliche (plausible and relevant because of first lines) in describing the "fluttery" maybe reference butterflies instead? Example: "Once enraptured with your love, with time even butterflies drift away"
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend? I like "free" friend, it presents a good impact. I don't like fancy at all, though.
 
Is your heart made of stone? Cliche. Maybe that is what you are going for though. 
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you, 
but I will leave you alone Omit these lines. Takes away from the poem.
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that which fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim. I like this. Waters in collaboration with the rain scene. 
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin. Good lines too. Maybe try making it seem as though the sunlight is appearing in the rain scene. As in, "That sunlight filters through the clouds, shines warm against your damp skin." Just a suggestion. It doesn't need to be changed at all. 
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will called me friend. Maybe? I feel it would add more to the poem. 

[JaredEggo]

There are a lot of emotions in this and I like that; love in the beginning, frustration in the middle, acceptance, and hope for the friend in the end. I do think there a smoother transition between each emotion, but very good overall. I've given a few other suggestions below.

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.     I think "fluttery" breaks the rhythm of the line, and "enraptured" already catches the emotions of the moment.

 What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?     I'm not entirely sure how "fancy-free" fits here. Perhaps using a personal quality instead of relationship status.

 Is your heart made of stone?
 
My heart rests in the place we met.     Maybe use a line break after "rests".
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you,     I feel like this line is unneeded.
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.     This line seems in conflict, at least in part, to the line "I will leave you".
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

[nibbed]

Hello. The poem is perplexing and I am not sure if soaking in the rain is a metaphor or if the narrator actually was drenched, which gives it a bit of mystery. I would like more info, description of surroundings, perhaps? I almost wish it rhymed throughout, too. The last stanza could use some reworking, it seemed a bit awkward. A good basic poem that could be great with some work. Best wishes!



Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16

You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché.

Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.                      

What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend?

Is your heart made of stone?

My heart rests in the place we met.

I could love you,
but I will leave you alone

For you,
                                                                                               
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.

That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.

I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.