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Your river is cold
and it slowly divides the land.
This bridge is strong
and built to last -
I can't tear it down.
I cross the currents,
walk above whirling eddies,
and on the other side - I freeze.
Here, I have crossed the deepest seas.
You have not.
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(02-03-2017, 03:23 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Your river is cold
and it slowly cuts the land;
its currents meander like
a writhing cobra. I feel like writhing is more energetic image and clashes with the 'slow meandering' you have described up to this point
Your bridge is strong -
built to last -
I can't tear it down. Why would you want to tear it down?
But I have crossed the deepest seas,
not you. These closing lines are confusing in their meaning. 'I have crossed the deepest seas, but I have not crossed you?' or 'I have crossed the deepest seas but you have not crossed the deepest seas' there is a lot of potential meaning in 'crossed'
I feel like in this poem you are just at the surface (pun unintended) of something deeper you want to write. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'd be glad to read more, perhaps with some more clarity or which builds further on some of the imagery.
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It sounds like a riddle but I can't get it. Maybe more coffee. 
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@DonaldQ Writhing is certainly too fast. Duly noted. Changing soon. The finaly two lines are ambiguous indeed, and not by design. Original drafts were clearer, but I lost some clarity while shortening those lines. Adjusting this as well.
@ellajam Kinda. But I'm really not that clever, so it shouldn't be too hard  I'll grab some coffee too and see if I can figure it out.
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(02-03-2017, 03:23 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Your river is cold
and it slowly cuts the land; .....while coldness can be associated with sharpness and sharpness with cutting, the overall connection is tenuous
its currents meander like ....coldness, cutting, meandering....the verbs are unrelated
a slithering cobra. ....already pointed out by others
Hi Useless - others have already commented on how the metaphors and message of the poem isn't clear. Since this is in the 'fun' section, I suppose you aren;'t looking for anything detailed, but some comments above in any case.
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I agree that it feels like a riddle, and I don't think we have enough info to solve it. Maybe provide a hint in the title?
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If you're truly interested in the riddleness of it, ignore the cobra metaphor. The edits I'm working on have taken that part out, and I'm working to replace it with something more significant. It's also far to vague for a one word answer, but have a look. I'll post a revised version when I've cleared it up.
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I've been staring at this poem for half an hour, I'm not sure I'm coming any closer
(02-03-2017, 03:23 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Your river is cold
and it slowly cuts the land;intriguing, you're familiar with seas, but the description is enticing like you want to cross something cold, challenging yourself
its currents meander like
a slithering cobra.
Your bridge is strong - I like thinking of this stanza as a bridge, you even switch from 'you' to 'i'
built to last -
I can't tear it down.
But I have crossed the deepest seas
and you have not.I like it, you don't need a bridge to cross the river cause you can cross even the deepest seas, but it's like you want to tear down the bridge, or have tried. As far as the last line goes, I can't figure out the you unless it's general. I'm confusing myself
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For me now the N is speaking, unfondly, of a parent. S1 seems to describe the power of a parent to form, or scar, their child, S2 the acknowledgement that it is a lasting relationship, a connection that cannot be broken even by choice and S3 is survival, the river smaller compared to the sea.
Or maybe I just spent too much time with my mother this week. 
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Interesting view, ellajam. Anyway, I've thrown some edits down, deleted a bit, and hopefully altered the tone significantly. I can't quite find the words I need to mark the river's division, however. I didn't quite intend to make a riddle out of this, but whatever. I figured even the first draft would have made it clear enough, but I suppose not. I don't think this edit is adding anymore "clues", but it certainly is a clearer expression to me. There's really only two big layers to this, and maybe a tiny third layer.
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I don't think it's meant to be, but it reads to me as cryptic, sexual imagery.
My problem is that it could mean almost anything, and so you open yourself up for the possibility of people thinking you mean all sorts of things.
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