Leaves Crunch

[Todd]

yellow wood
frost-kissed
barren trees
hands reaching
no longer time
for green steps
leaves sting 
wind-whipped
on this trail
of dying
blossoms

[Lizzie]

Hello Todd. Good to see you posting.  

I like the title -- in light of the poem, it's like bones crunching.

yellow wood -- like sallow skin or aging paper
frost-kissed -- grey, wilted
barren trees -- leaves fallen, but they're still around -- lying on the ground to be smashed underfoot or strewn about by the wind -- trees stripped naked of possessions, ability to photosynthesize
hands reaching -- branches reaching up, I presume. Calls to mind arthritis, maybe.
no longer time -- notes the season change and perhaps the waning light, but then also the finite nature of individual life cycles. This is a good kind of ambiguity -- however you interpret it, things make sense.
for green steps -- love these last two lines -- places a person in the scene, although I suppose the title does that as well
leaves sting 
wind-whipped -- good sensory image of the wind blowing so hard that the leaves sting when they hit the skin
on this trail -- the wind and the trail provide a dynamic element to the poem, and trail imagery calls up clearly notions of the life's journey
of dying -- good line break
blossoms

The ending image of blossoms is the only one that doesn't fit for me. The rest are tree images, and while trees blossom, they do so in the spring and the rest of the images are winter/fall. If blossoms are dying on the trail (flowers and such) that takes me away from the tree focus.

Very dense, rich write.

[Donald Q.]

yellow wood
frost-kissed
barren trees
hands reaching
no longer time
for green steps
leaves sting nice
wind-whipped
on this trail
of dying
blossoms  

Enjoyed the sparseness of the poem, works well with the subject. I'm really torn on the punctuation. Whilst I can appreciate that the poem is not unclear in its current punctuation-free state, it doesn't have a smooth read... But on the other hand, this does make sense given the style. Perhaps it's just a couple of lines; 'no longer time' particularly. Maybe just one little comma? I'm not even making up my own mind, let alone yours here, but just something to think about.

[Achebe]

Hello Todd - nice to see something from you after a while. My thoughts below:

yellow wood 
frost-kissed .... a bit cliched
barren trees ....to me, this doesn't sit well with a 'yellow wood', which is slightly earlier in the season
hands reaching ... the juxtaposition of a tree's bare branches with hands is quite old
no longer time
for green steps ... not quite sure what this means, but the sudden detour from plain observation doesn't appeal to me
leaves sting 
wind-whipped ...the above line and this are, for me, the most beautiful parts of the poem
on this trail
of dying
blossoms ....blossoms are already pretty much dead by the end of summer, and I don't know if there are any left by the time the woods are yellow, but there could be regional variations in different parts of the world and I might be wrong.

I wonder if you might not have a nice little short poem on your hands with just: 

yellow wood

leaves sting 
wind-whipped
on this trail of dying blossoms

[Todd]

Thank you all for your comments. I was going for something clipped and short. I will definitely consider and reflect on the points you all raised.

Lizzie, I appreciate the way you engaged with the lines. Especially liked your read on arthritis. Might bring a fresher take on revision if I cut the scaffolding there and go with something more fresh along those lines--it fits better with what i'm thinking about and blends into one of Achebe's comments. I'll give some thought to the end also.

Donald, Thank you. My first revision actually had punctuation and I decided to remove it. I don't often do that and I understand the desire to add it--especially since I had put it there originally. I'll give it all some thought.

Achebe, I do understand the issues you raise. Especially how I moved from imagist observation and the license I took with the seasons. Yeah those were choices that I'll have to weigh. I'm balancing the figurative aspects against the imagery. Thus the struggle. I like your shorter version as I do tend to prefer those sorts of cuts. It was the most important thing I took from your comments. Aside from frost kissed. I've heard the kissed compound applied with other words and I guess I can see how it could be somewhat cliched--most troubling but easily fixed with some thought I'm thinking. A lot to consider. Thanks.

Again much appreciated to all of you.

Best,

Todd