Little Strangers.

[billy]

The countryside as I recall, sedately passed by clouded glass
and you; the girl who shared my seat, as journey trundled on
swung your legs above the floor and covered up your knees

I turned my head and saw a merriment upon your reddened face:
Joined you as you swung your legs in rhythm to the steam train’s chug.
Both hands Trapped beneath our knees we daydreamed as the views rolled by.

We stood and let the window down, we screamed and hugged as noisy tunnels bled
to black and back to dazzling day; that was when I snared your spark.
Affirmation came from rattling rails, a whistle, and a whoosh of cloudy steam

Once more you sat though differently, you placed a hand on mine. So warm
and tender like your years, just children playing games; such sweetness
in your dark brown eyes filled me up with huff and puff, my chest began to swell
and ever since that long train trip I’ve loved you more each day.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

This is a very soft piece with some beautiful imagery. No real suggestions (Unless there was something you were worried about). It has great sonics. If I had to give you something at gunpoint I'd point to the last line and say while it's a wonderful testament to a relationship. I'm sure you could come up with something stronger.

That's all I've got Billy. It seems very solid to me.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback todd, i'll have a look at the last line when i do an edit.

[addy]

I like how it's more of a mood piece, which describes the experience of traveling by train pretty well I imagine (I've only been on long road trips by car or bus)... you just get this nice impression of the scenery and the moments that pass by. Perhaps you can add a punch to that last line by relating it more to that theme (love as travel/journey). Thanks for the lovely read