Scheherazade (or why men die younger than their wives)

[Erthona]

 Scheherazade

(or why men die younger than their wives)
 
Old woman, how you ramble on so.
Muzak spilling from your mouth
like cold soup you feed this dying fish
a poor imitation of the real thing.
 
Who’s neck are you trying to save?
When I’m gone your next.
 
Come now Gabriel, step up to the mike,
and play that horn.
It still beats the hell out of Muzak,
played by an amateur.
 
Gabrielle’s Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog creeps in on
little cat’s feet, 
on little death’s feet.
 
Well come on then, net this dying fish.
It’s not as though this dull, drab, boring life,
has not made me ready.
I’ll at least get away from Muzak.
 
erthona
 
©1998-2017

[Lizzie]

 Scheherazade

(or why men die younger than their wives)
 
Old woman, how you ramble on so.
Muzak spilling from your mouth
like cold soup you feed this dying fish
a poor imitation of the real thing.
 
Who’s neck are you trying to save?
When I’m gone your next.
 
Come now Gabriel, step up to the mike, -- Like this. Takes the old school reference and gives it a fresh image.
and play that horn.
It still beats the hell out of Muzak,
played by an amateur.
 
Gabrielle’s Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog creeps in on -- I'd line break on 'in'.
little cat’s feet, 
on little death’s feet. -- this strophe is the best for me.
 
Well come on then, net this dying fish.
It’s not as though this dull, drab, boring life, -- feels like it's getting a bit too melancholy here.
has not made me ready.
I’ll at least get away from Muzak. -- I like the first two Muzak's, but it's becoming a little overkill by this point.
 
erthona
 
©1998-2017

Grouchy rants about the irritations of old women are as old as time, I imagine. You do a good job of making it seem fresh.

[canofworms]

So, I'm not used to critiquing. But I am told I must, so here I go.
If I critique incorrectly let me know. In short you may critique my critique.
~~~~~
I like it. It's under "poetry for fun" and it is fun, in a depressing kind of way.

~~~~~
Old woman, how you ramble on so. ---Just an observation. calls to mind Arthur in Monty Python "Old Woman!"

You speak of Muzak as fake... But in my mind Muzak is made to sedate the anxious masses in elevators, waiting rooms, on hold etc. It keeps them from becoming anxious and agitated in agitating situations. Maybe the muzak is on purpose to sedate you.. the fish.
.
.
.
Gabrielle’s Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog Horn.
Gabrielle’s Fog creeps in on
little cat’s feet, --After nautical references "cat" throws me off. Is the horn stepping on feet or does it have cat's feet?
on little death’s feet.
~~~~
It’s not as though this <> life, --- These basically all mean the same thing. So it lacks... You could use maybe another nautical term here, ... doldrums, is a term used by sailors to describe long stretches of windless sea. maybe.

I’ll at least get away from Muzak-- I see you intend to bring it full circle. Why not reference how it spills from her mouth somehow?

[Erthona]

Thanks for your comments C-O-W (Ha, I wasn't expecting your initials to spell out that, don't mean anything by it, only left it because it caught me off hand)

I will think about what you have said. Thank you for taking the time to put forth the effort whether I use anything someone suggests or not I am always grateful as it causes me to consider, so any genuine critique is a valid critique, and so I consider this.

" Is the horn stepping on feet or does it have cat's feet?
on little death’s feet."

This is an allusion to Carl Sandburg's "Fog".     Fog


Thematically the idea is that one can be physically alive but spiritually dead. It is a theme that runs through many of my poems. Here is another I have just recently written along the same theme The Eighties

I think it is a response to Lincoln's assassination (which I have been reading some on lately) as it freed him from the severe depression with which he lived. Further it is an exploration of this idea that a person should be forced to continue to live. I'm not coming down on either side, I am just exploring it. Look forward to hearing more from you.

Best,


dale