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(I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled,
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
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In case you haven't noticed, Whitman is in some car commercial. So good luck imbibing the city to spit out some type of hairball musing.
(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. -- but it is far = independent article or whatever, so coordinating conjunction comma or whatever if you give a shit about grammar.
I am becoming. Girl as city. -- I become? am becoming sounds kind of cool, but it's kind of like becoming super saiyan 3 or the soul bomb (both take multiple episodes).
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing -- plants = very vague. More descriptive words = better.
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, --Who is "his" referring to? Does the poem explain this? Should it? idk...
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from -- Old man? Sheesh, you'll hurt the old fart's feelings!
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
This is pretty good, but I can't tell if it's more than some bullshit cadence of some type of captivating musing or if you're trying to say something or whatever. Beats me. Good luck!
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(04-27-2017, 05:36 PM)Brownlie Wrote: In case you haven't noticed, Whitman is in some car commercial. So good luck imbibing the city to spit out some type of hairball musing.
(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. -- but it is far = independent article or whatever, so coordinating conjunction comma or whatever if you give a shit about grammar.
I am becoming. Girl as city. -- I become? am becoming sounds kind of cool, but it's kind of like becoming super saiyan 3 or the soul bomb (both take multiple episodes).
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing -- plants = very vague. More descriptive words = better.
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, --Who is "his" referring to? Does the poem explain this? Should it? idk...
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from -- Old man? Sheesh, you'll hurt the old fart's feelings!
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
This is pretty good, but I can't tell if it's more than some bullshit cadence of some type of captivating musing or if you're trying to say something or whatever. Beats me. Good luck!
Hey thanks dude I'm 18 so whatever I write is gonna sound super pretentious so I get the confusion, I think this is just me being really wordy trying to convey acceptance of yourself like complete wholeness. So, it's abstract and maybe misses the mark a bit but that's what practice is for. Thanks for the pointers though I will take those into account!
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Hey wordgobbler,
I get what you are trying to convey here, and I like some of your language use. My biggest suggestion would be to ask yourself if some of your details and images are helping you achieve your purpose, or are they detracting from it? I'll explain more below:
(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags -How can sleep be blue? I actually sort of get what you mean here, but the metaphor could be clearer.
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. -Be careful when using colours. You already have the red velvet in the second line, and now you have the red, raw brick. Is there a reason why both of these are the same colour? It's worth thinking about if there isn't.
I am becoming. Girl as city. -It is important to remember that the way you space this line gives it emphasis. I would suggest saying something like, "I have changed like this city." This the meaning I get from this line, but I could be wrong.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home -This simile of the streets and teeth is best part of the poem. It's wonderful language use.
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, -Why donuts? I just don't see what it adds to what you are trying to say in this poem.
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below -Is the old man the hand with the hair from a few lines back? Again, I kind of get what you are going for here, but it could done with more clarity.
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" -I get the impression that this is the old man speaking/singing. Am I correct?
I notice that this might be too much detail for the Basic Critique Forum, so please don't be scared off. I actually think this poem has promise. Overall, I would recommend revising this poem because I think you got a good idea here. You just need to try to communicate it more clearly.
Keep writing,
Richard
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(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue, sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is so far.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those some already gone off to work or and those some who haven't come home yet
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled,
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
Minor things, but I really like the pacing of it all. As I was reading I just added things that I would have said to keep the rhythm fluid.
Overall I really like it, very good use of imagery. Be sure to read your poem aloud at different paces after you've written it.
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Hi wordgobbler. I have read this poem several times but was focused more on writing then critiquing each time. I have a hard time dancing lightly through a critique on moderate, so please forgive ahead of time if I overdo it. I liked the poem and the title pulled me in after seeing a similar sun today.
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags the line formation is awkward to me. whenever I readpoetry
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the because I like the breaks to work in cadence
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. red velvet is nice, not sure about dried blood
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing I like the description of missing cars
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, cute this tussling
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from two olds in this one line seems lazy to me
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below these last three lines need order, too
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" the sentiment is strong, but the jumbling
disorder causes it to lose its power
I get where you were going with it and it is a precious thought
penned from the heart. I could picture a girl standing there,
seeing all the things you wrote, just needs some straightening
I suppose. Best wishes to you!!
there's always a better reason to love
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(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the ( I enjoy this start of the poem, I feel the morning haze and sunrise. )
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. ( This part really threw me off at first, but after a few reads it adds a nice darkness to it. Just my thought)
I am becoming. Girl as city. ( Is this representing the girl finding her identity with the city?)
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled,
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the ( I really like all of the descriptions used here, I can vividly see all of it)
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" ( this ending is not as powerful as the beginning. I don't know if this is on purpose but I feel a more striking ending would go well.)
I like the images that this poem portrays and the sense of wandering it gives. It starts off strong but ends a little weak. Overall I enjoyed this poem, thank you for sharing!
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Hi!
The poem seems nice - it feels like a small-town to city thing, which is an experience worth writing about.
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags "Stretches blue sleep" feels incoherent, no sight or sound in my head
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. Escape from an unhappy home/bad relationship? A dull knife, should sharpen.
I am becoming. Girl as city. Not a fan of the visual form here, with the spacing and all. Not a good centerpiece.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, "Donuts are being sprinkled, shower..." - Seems like a bad sex joke
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from "Dizzy in my head" - how is the song dizzy?
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" A pretty end
Like the packaging, but you might want to consider hammering out the lumps.
Write on!
The Chronicles of Lethargia
(04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags this lining here is a bit odd
a red velvet across its shoulders. Everything is smaller than me. i like how you say "everything is smaller than me" somethimes we need to give ourself that bit of empowerment 
I finger the brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. got me lost here
I am becoming. Girl as city. well, maybe you can find a better way to emphasize your point.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet.
There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, i can't see why you picked out donuts out of all the things being sprinkled. but i'm sure you had a reason for that
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" nice ending though
well what a ride. But i get what you trying to convey here, though there are times where you had me lost with the linings. I'd say read your poem out loud. it really helps.
I really like how you had a good intention by making this poem.
Keep on writing your stuff, Wordgobbler
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No (04-27-2017, 08:38 AM)wordgobbler Wrote: (I wrote this poem trying to convey a feeling of acceptance and empowerment.)
I am sitting on the roof as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders. My interpretation is that the night sky has a blue hue and morning sunset's are colorful (red), is this correct? Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far. Maybe it is just me, but this line is awkward to me.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights. Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing
like teeth, those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home
yet. There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, Another commenter mentioned a confusion about the donuts. You mentioned it because donuts are getting sprinkles put onto them because it is morning time, correct? I actually liked that reference. I pictured myself in the morning, in the city, with the breeze blowing the smells of fresh coffee and donuts from the cafe below. Or maybe I'm reading it completely wrong lol.
shower curtains drawn back. I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me" The ending isn't powerful, I'm usually a fan of powerful endings. On the contrary, it's soft and I actually like it that way!
I'm new to critiquing, but I liked your work!
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I like this, its expressive & easy to read, especially the first section, I have made a few suggestions including line endings but nothing extensive as I don't think it needs it:
I am sitting on the roof
as the morning stretches blue sleep away and drags
a red velvet across its shoulders.
Everything is smaller than me. I finger the
brick, red and raw like dried blood but it is far.
I am becoming. Girl as city.
There are lights.
Tarps in windows, curling plants. Streets have cars missing like teeth, (You could consider "with" in lieu of "have")
Those already gone off to work or those who haven't come home yet (You could consider a slight rephrase ... "those who have yet to return home")
There is a wind that tussles my hair like his hand. Donuts are being sprinkled, shower curtains drawn back. (I would remove "There is" at the beginning of the line along with "that" so it reads "A wind tussles my hair like his hand". I would then go to "Donuts sprinkled. Shower curtains drawn".
I am shuddering - not from the cold but from the
hum in my chest. An old song, dizzy in my head, plays; An old man singing from
a mountain to his heart, lost somewhere in the town below
"I am here and it's okay, you can forget about me"
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