Beetle Wife

[wordgobbler]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

[Richard]

Hey wordgobbler,
I liked some of the imagery in your poem. It definitely captured the viciousness and devastation of domestic violence. My biggest suggestion for your poem would be to add a line or two at the beginning or the end, so it is clearer that you are making a connection to domestic violence. I'll explain more below:

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) -I don't think you need this at the start of the poem. Information like this takes away from the poem, and that isn't fair to the poem. If the information in this intro is important, it should be included in the poem some way.

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and -I would drop "beetle wife" from this line. It's enough that it is the title.
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. -This line and the previous line bother me, but in a good way. It's a potent image.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks -This is a wonderful simile. It creates a interesting image in my mind.
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned -Is the slash here supposed to be there or is "my mouth is stunned" supposed to be its own line?

Overall, I think you got a good start here. You just need to revise this poem, so your connection to the trauma caused by domestic violence is clearer.

Keep writing,
Richard

[tectak]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

Hi word,
This is terse verse....difficult to control because emotions and metaphors come fast and thick...or thick and fast. The first bit of overall advice, and this is basic crit, would be to decide who "YOU" is, who "I" , who "us" is is and what connects the  "persons"  in this scenario.
 You see, the problem is organised  STRUCTURE. There isn't any...and you know it. Your description of "what it's all about" should be unnecessary if the poem does its job.  I can exemplify this, thus. Just suppose your poem was about a child found squashing a couple of beetles in the garden...the intro would be. "I write this poem after catching my son squashing beetles in the garden. I explained that he could be squashing a beetle's wife or mum..." My point? Well, if you had not written the intro my version could be an interpretation...
Anyway...back to structure. The whole thing is obscurely and obtusely metaphorical. Because you leap from one thematic horror to another you begin to believe that all the piece needs to do is shock, shock, shock. As fast as you "visualise" each metaphor/ simile you stick it down without any regard for linkage. The "device" which you wistfully use to get some glue into the thing, "I am reminded of...." falls way short of SHOWING the reader just how you get from a dismembered beetle, of all things, to heaps of bulk meat. 
I guess it's all a matter of discipline....we all have problems in this area, usually when we either are just beginning to write poetry or when we try to write a poem without knowing where to begin. Discipline is a big word but the reality is a sum of many parts. You could begin to bring meaning in to this piece by correcting it in this order.
1) Get your grammar spot on....including the use of capital letters.
2) Get your sentence structure tight. Re-read the piece and determine the connections or lack of same between each thought. What's the fool on about?   Your poem but...."(Here lies a) beetle wife. (S)mash (crushed?) with your thumbs; (See) the red, ooze onto skin. (L)ick it off if you want(to); a taste of summer. 
3) Avoid obscurity. Metaphors should CLARIFY not fog the reading glasses...if you see what I mean. Here, you run with the metaphor instead of the subject under discussion:
"antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks wings ripped off and blown away with breath."
You have forgotten that the beetle metaphor is that of a beaten woman....but YOU get all hooked up on the bloody beetle .
4) This is very important. In terse verse you do not have time to develop your point (s) and so you MUST be sure of what you are  trying to say. In other words, if you HAVE a view show me what it is. I am afraid that after squashing, oozing, burning, shrinking, ripping and bleeding a "stunned" (?) mouth is just not enough.

Best,
tectak

[LunaDeLore]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

wordgobbler,

This piece contains some harsh stuff. The first three lines are a big turn off. I don't think it's wise to associate the beetle wife's blood with the taste of spring. Doing so is like saying "hey, this stuff is tasty" and it's not. Furthermore, I think you should open in a way that supplies the reader with something relative to domestic violence. Comparing it to how boys smash bugs is fine but how do we know your comparing domestic to the beetle wife? I also agree with tectak concerning your grammar and metaphor.

Overall, I think with a little rethinking and some thoughtful revision that you'll have a good poem.

Keep Writing

Luna

[prettypoetry.]

Really good imagery here. I am slightly confused with the "tastes like summer" part. Expanding on this may make it clearer to the reader?

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

[nibbed]

Hi wordgobbler, this poem is very abstract to me.
It's like it has many pieces, but they don't fit
together in any set order, sort of like a Picasso?


beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and                               she is small and frail, easily crushed with just a thumb
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off                                 I'm trying to grasp "whose?" perspective
if you want, tastes like summer.                                            Not sure if the narrator is witness or the assailant
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks                          what do the antennas represent?
wings ripped off and blown away with breath                        freedom painfully taken away

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic                            why meat market? plastic can be really bad
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood                                important metaphor/reminder?
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned             us? whose mouth is stunned?


you seem to hold many wonderful phrases here
"shrinking like matchsticks", very visual stuff.
I think you were looking for words to represent
an idea or generality concerning assault,
and it almost achieved that, but with a little sharpening
I believe it can be a nice little poem.

Best wishes and THANK YOU for the opportunity
to critique.

[67eager]

What I appreciate the most about this poem is the way in which you juxtapose the fragility of the beetle    with the violence and mutilation which she is experiencing. You manage to convey the sense of anger and shock you must have felt very well. 

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. I would be better to divide this sentence. I would suggest placing a full stop after 'if you want'. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks- very nice comparisons, but uncombusted matchsticks do not shrink!! 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath- You paint the wife as a very vulnerable and fragile being. I don't know how well that will go with feminism...


I am reminded of the meat market, plastic  A comparison within a comparison... Interesting!!!
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood- the alliteration perfectly suits the violent imagery which you are trying to convey
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned- I find this final sentence very chilling and effective, but perhaps you could paint the sense of shock in a more poetic way?
[/quote]

[FountainPen97]

Hello wordgobbler! First off, I must say that this was an incredibly easily visualized poem, and you have many excellent elements of visual imagery here. I do have some suggestions! 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and Maybe Beetle Wife can be capitalized along with the body parts? It could add emphasis and draw focus to the subject?
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off ooze can be complemented like an adverb such as drippingly, it could continue your imagery nicely
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks I like the flame that you subtly mentioned at the same time left out, adds the capability for the reader to iterate on                                                                     the idea based on personal experiences.
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic  I can't quite visualize how this is meant to represent the whole situation, but it is still incredibly vivid, good work on                                                                     both of this line and the one below.
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned Wow, what an abrupt and stiff ending, but in a good way! I like how you cut to the quick, it shows the stark                                                                                   nature of the abuse you mentioned.

[Achebe]

Beetle blood is blue, not red, because it has copper instead of iron for oxygen transport ie no hemoglogin. Haven't you squashed a bug before?!!
Otherwise, nice poem. The imagery is rich and engages sight, sound "smashed", touch "ripped", smell "meat market", and taste. The metaphor is also kept in control. Well done.

[Wonderfullife]

This is a serious subject, and hopefully, writing about it helps lesson the distressing impact of what you witnessed. But, I am a bit uneasy about phrases like ‘lick it off’ and ‘tastes like summer’
I agree with others, that it would have been better to link it to domestic violence in the poem itself, rather than in the introduction.
Keep going.

[rymrkbstll]

The imagery in here is rich. The connection between the two subjects and the message was delivered successfully. The only downside for me is that beetle's are just too random to be compared. It's not that it's wrong but it's just kinda strange to compare it to a beetle. It's like comparing one's own existence to a motherboard, or a loved one to an item's bar code. True it is that domestic violence against women are such a brutal act, like a boy smashing a bug. Hoping that domestic violence be gone and will never be made a poem about in the future again.

[bernie99]

in the feedback forums, simply like a line is not good enough piece of feedback to a poet. please state why you like the line etc. /mod

Lovely imagery, with blood oozing!

I especially like the line "I am reminded of the meat market"

[AndyBryant123]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer.                     Im not sure I understand these lines
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood              I like this, crazy imagery                 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

[Lorvick]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

I like the use of uncomfortable imagery to display your disgust towards domestic violence, the breaks seem to be intentionally placed to further heighten this effect. I am struggling to understand your reference to summer, my best guess is kids during summer are not supervised as much. Overall I think you portray the effect you were going for, but maybe expand a bit more on certain concepts to further help the reader connect to your metaphors.

[moanlisa]

Just a first observation, it looks like a chunk of text like prose at furst glance. Break up the text into more scattered lines to make it look more like a poem to draw the reader in as such.

[UglyInside]

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and —I would remove the "beetle wife" bit. just start strong with "smash her with...".  Also, you have missed a couple of capital letters out from "Beetle" and "Smash". 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer. 
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks —This is a great combination of images.  And I realise now that it's a conscious decision you have made not to use capital letters. 
wings ripped off and blown away with breath —Beetles have quite hefty wings, so this imagery jars a little. 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned —I don't think "my mouth is stunned" is necessary. 

Hey Wordgobbler. I don't think the explanation beforehand is necessary. I don't suppose it's intended to be part of the poem, but I don't think it helps the critique along, either. Because now I have to mentally subtract all of that from my reading of the poem.

[Fae]

Very dark and harrowing poem. Subject matter like this is very difficult to talk and write about, for obvious reasons, having witnessed such domestic violence myself in the past, seeing it unfold makes your stomach drop through the floor. I can't even imagine what it's like for the poor souls who endure it... Now, to break it down a little bit.

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin.

(I think using beetles as a metaphor is pretty powerful, as during abusive relationships, the abuser has a tendency to dehumanise the person they abuse, seeing them as disposible as bugs. It really shows the mentality of an abusive husband. Is "beetle wife." supposed to be in the poem or did you intend that as a title? Another interpretation, is that you're using beetles as a metaphor for how vulnerable the abused partner feels when they're in this relationship.)

lick it off if you want, tastes like summer.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 


(I find these lines pretty distressing, though I think you could find something else instead of it "tasting like summer" or, if you wanted to, you could leave this in and find a way to explain what that means in context with the rest of the poem. Perhaps something like "tastes like iron" would be better? Moving on, the antennas being burned, as in, the antennas of a beetle, something essential for them to feel around in the dark for example, could represent the abused wifes ability to trust anybody being destroyed by her tormentor. The wings symbolically represent freedom for me, and the fact that it's been so easily destroyed, and just thrown to the wind by the abuser is very, very upsetting to hear. You could expand on these and use each part of the bugs body to represent each aspect of the personality that is deeply harmed during awful relationships like this.)



I am reminded of the meat market, plastic
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood

(Feels to me like this is the part where you're describing your own visceral revulsion towards situations like this, and them occuring so commonly, with so many people feeling like they can't escape them)

the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

(I would turn this into some new lines, I'd say. Maybe have some "parents" i.e the "us" you're talking about, witnessing what the "boy" is doing, and being stunned by how cruel he is, and perhaps intervening. Though that's up to you, personally I feel as if the poem itself is so distressing to read that maybe it'd be nice if there could be some hope shown for the beetle wife. Her eventually being able to grow back her "wings" (her free movement and ability to go where she pleases) her "antenna" (her trust in other people being restored with time.)

[billy]

don't explain the poem, let the reader unravel it. make the poem earn its keep.
while the cruelty aspect is raw and working hard, you could remove a few words to give it more power.

( I wrote this poem about an incident of domestic violence I witnessed a few months ago that left me traumatized, I am comparing the violence to when boys smash bugs ) 

beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and 
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off 
if you want, tastes like summer.  is [if you want doing enough to stay?]
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks  a suggestion would be a word before matchstick, something like dead create an image [i think it would be shrunk because of the tense]
wings ripped off and blown away with breath 

I am reminded of the meat market, plastic 
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood 
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned

[applebear]

I found it pretty hard to read, in the sense that it's so graphic. I didn't know that it was about domestic violence, but that was in fact what I got from it. I particularly liked how "lick it off" feels tied to the meat market.