Can't Sleep

[UlrickMasters]

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Why can't I see this isn't for me, I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night, I run, and run as my legs
battle in this fight, energy below zero hoping I can sleep tonight but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown so I'll just wait, maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace."

[QDeathstar]

A few thoughts

If this was meant to be spoken, the author should speak it. Bump bump bump bump has no beat and isn't a particularly interesting refrain.... I can't sleep followed by it wakes me seems like a logic error...

The poem is also very wordy. I'll just, I just, for example.

[UlrickMasters]

A few thoughts

If this was meant to be spoken, the author should speak it. Bump bump bump bump has no beat and isn't a particularly interesting refrain.... I can't sleep followed by it wakes me seems like a logic error...  

The poem is also very wordy. I'll just, I just, for example.

Okay yeah tbh I wasn't thinking too much with the bump, bump part it's actually suppose to be a heart beat 

When it says I can't sleep it actually states when I try to go to sleep something wakes me so I don't know how that's confusing a lot of times when we try to go to sleep we can't because something is bothering us like in this scenario here the his heart beat keeps waking him up

[Richard]

Hey UlrickMasters,
I think you have a worthwhile idea here that you definitely should explore in a poem. I wonder if you played around with the line length, what the result might look like? To me, some of the longer lines could be broken into two shorter ones, and it might add some emphasis to key words that seem to be lost in the longer lines. I would also suggest being conscious of repeating words. Repetition has its place, but be careful not to over do it (this is something I've been guilty of more than once in my writing).

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump) -I think I get what you're going for here. I wonder if this line would work better if it was in italics? I would also suggest using this line only once or twice in the poem instead of five times. May be once near the start and once near the end? Just a thought. 

Why can't I see this isn't for me, I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems -I like this line. It adds intrigue to the speaker's dreams.

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer -"sold my soul" borders on cliche, so I would suggest rewording it
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night, I run, and run as my legs -I would suggest dropping the word "dark" from this line. It is a bit redundant.
battle in this fight, energy below zero hoping I can sleep tonight but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown so I'll just wait, maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace." -"rest in peace" borders on cliche as well, so I would suggest rewording it

I think you have a good stating point here, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[UlrickMasters]

Thanks for the tips I'll see what I can do 
oh and the last part I see what your saying 
I just put that there because it fit so well obviously if your 
heart stops beating you will be dead, and its also stating he can finally sleep
so i killed two birds with one stone there but hmm oh well

[DTaek3]

I really like the bumps. I feel as though they really jolt the reader out of the trance of the story. Just as you're getting settled int he sentences it pulls you out a bit, which I think really helps create a certain effect for the poem.

As for the actual sentence structures I would consider capitalizing every word at the beginning of the sentences. I feel like the look would be a lot nicer, have a better visual aspect to it. I definitely agree with breaking up the lines as well, I would almost break them up where the commas are, and just use that as the comma.

[MountainsandSky]

I know it is poetry, but I had questions about the punctuation:

Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

Maybe there should be a comma after every night?

Reminds me a bit of the tell-tale heart by Poe. 

[GrassRoots77]

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat (is it a slow beat or a fast beat?)

(Bump, bump, bump, bump) 

Why can't I see this isn't for me, 
I see you in my dreams, 
I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep!
why is it my mind knows whats best, 
but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul,
and I can no longer hide, 
everyone can see what I lost,
the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me?
who can save me?
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me?
I feel like I'm lost, 
and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)


I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown 
so I'll just wait, 
maybe when the beat stop, 
maybe I can rest in peace."

(Good piece I like how it flows. I personally added and changed what I thought would help. Good work keep revising and would be glad to read again after you edit the poem after this critique.)

[nibbed]

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Why can't I see this isn't for me, I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night, I run, and run as my legs
battle in this fight, energy below zero hoping I can sleep tonight but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown so I'll just wait, maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace."


Hi, UlrickMasters.
Sometimes when I am trying to work through a poem
I try to minimize it as much as possible, first. I wondered
how that would be for your poem. I hope you are sleeping well!

nibbed

[Nabbit]

I can tell you're trying to play around with the sounds of the poem. Especially in the second section:

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and I can no longer
hide, everyone can see what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

I wish you used a variety of sounds throughout the poem like that instead of just here, but I think a large part of that has to do with the poem using a lot repeated phrases that end with me/sleep/beat.

Repeated phrases can be powerful and emotional, which I think was what you were going for, but if it's overdone it looks redundant and lazy.

[Persadia]

Hey UlrickMasters,

I like what you're trying to do here - portray your heart as trying to tell you what's right for you.  I can feel your struggle as I read the poem.
I do agree with Nibbed and others about shortening the lines - letting a new line take the place of a comma and omitting some of the words - this would make the effect stronger, more dramatic.
Also, yeah, some of the rhyming is to sing-song, like repeating the word "me" at the end of 3 lines in a row.
Personally, I liked the way you ended it with "Rest in peace", as I understood it to mean, "will this heart of mine ever heal?  I don't know, but when my heart stops (hurting, or when I die), I'll get some rest or peace.
Also, I liked the bit of mystery with the bump, bump, bump in the beginning; it made me wonder what the bumps represent - a headboard banging on the other side of the wall, or a hammer nailing a coffin?  Definitely made me want to keep reading.

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Why can't I see this isn't for me,
I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, 
but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and 
I can no longer hide, everyone can see 
what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night I run, and run 
as my legs battle in this fight, 
energy below zero hoping I 
can I sleep tonight 
but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, 
what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown 
so I'll just wait, 
maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace."

Something like that.  Play around with it a bit.
~Persadia

[Hannah]

I really like the energy in this. It feels almost frantic and I found myself feeling like it was supposed to be read very fast, almost in a panic. I think the longer lines even added to that, in a way. It also feels like it is meant to be spoken more than read. Which makes me wonder if you have read it out loud to yourself? There are just a few places where the wording kind of trips over itself and doesn't flow as smoothly. And as I'm reading it again I'm wondering if even changing up your line breaks in a few places might fix that.

Also here:

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night, I run, and run as my legs
battle in this fight, energy below zero hoping I can sleep tonight but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown so I'll just wait, maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace.

This is the only place you put the "bumps" in what appears to be the middle of a thought, which threw me just a little. Is the line after the "bumps" the continuation of that thought?