division of good and bad

[vagabond]

division               (edit)
 
 
was that apple really stolen from him?
tastes of conscience and original sin.
 
this is mine, can I have one more, please?
it is greed and I go planting seeds.
 
attempts to reconquer paradise
won´t yield the peace left behind.
 
but I can´t create more, just divide,
curse remorse that refuses to hide.

I swallow while rivers run dry,
absolution would not dull the cries.
 
eating imported apples I long
for eden lost as borders were drawn.

division of good and bad                 (1st version)
 
 
was that apple really stolen from him?
it tasted of conscience and original sin.
 
don´t take it from me, can I have one more, please?
now we know greed, we can go plant the seeds.
 
but all attempts of rebuilding paradise
conquer anything but the peace left behind.
 
since we can´t create more it is just a division
in some way we all long to be forgiven.
 
swallow holy water while rivers run dry,
drink it like wine to dull down the lies.
 
paradise is a place where we no more belong,
we lost it, we lost when the first border was drawn.
 


(the following remark should be hidden as spoiler but i haven´t figured out how to do that)
i know those lines sound preachy, but I only want to express my thoughts.
any opposition evoked by the accusations I direct at the world (which includes me) is welcome.
as welcome as corrections to style and word choice

[Achebe]

Vag, you wrote that nice "stones" poem and now this.
The forced end rhymes are quite bad. You can do better.

[vagabond]

no i can´t, inspiration doesn´t hit me often. just wanted to say those things and forced it into a poem. i appreciate your comment, thank you

[rayheinrich]

One-off rhymes:
- imperfect/near/slant rhymes (wing, caring)
- weak/unaccented  (hammer, carpenter)
- semi-rhyme (bend, ending)
- oblique  (green, fiend; one, thumb)
- etc.

One-off rhymes are just as much a tool of poetry as perfect rhymes.
What I like about them is that they tone down the sing-song nature
of the "perfect" ones, a quality that is sometimes at odds with,  distracts from,
the desired effect of the content. Emily Dickinson* was a master of them.

Of course, if you want to employ them in a land where a reader expects perfect ones
and thinks of them as defects, you need to make it known they are intentional by using
enough of them in the poem, maybe make them the majority.

This poem, intentionally or not, does.

And at this point I intended to comment on the ideas expressed in the poem -- some very good ones --
and the slight illogic that needs re-work to make the poem more effective... but I have to take almost
half of my cats (4) to the vet for their regular check-up and must start the herding process.  

*Famous Poem by Emily Dickinson:

Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –  
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –  
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –  
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –  
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed us –
The Dews drew quivering and chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – ‘tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity –

---

no i can´t, inspiration doesn't hit me often. just wanted to say those things and forced it into a poem. i appreciate your comment, thank you

Inspiration isn't just some random element of chance, it's gained through practice.
Wanting to say something and forcing it into a poem is fine with me.

But when doing so you should either:

1. Pretend it was totally intentional and NOT apologize.
(This helps me because I hate taking a poem seriously only to have the author beg off in a comment.)

2. Pretend it was totally intentional and work with the people who took the time to comment to improve it.

(#2 usually produces better long-term results.)

Ray

[vagabond]

Hi Ray,
thanx for commenting and for that poem by emily dickinson (which is beautiful).
i realized the near-rhymes in my poem are not as bad a thing as the near-rhythm or the near-message.
changed some things and it is still bumpy.
but i won´t apologize anymore

[rayheinrich]

Hi Ray,
thanx for commenting and for that poem by emily dickinson (which is beautiful).
i realized the near-rhymes in my poem are not as bad a thing as the near-rhythm or the near-message.
changed some things and it is still bumpy.
but i won´t apologize anymore

Good, see that you don't. Apology is a sign of weakness, especially in a poet.

And your poem...
You've really improved it. You've eliminated most of the faults I was going to find with it.
I particularly liked the "imported apples" that's now in the ending stanza. It balances the
poem in both content and structure and connects the ending with the beginning creating
a poem without either.

Ray

P.S. If you want to place text under a button that opens up, exactly type any of those pairs
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