Wills

[Tiger the Lion]

Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead
on the Godless sheets 
of a hospital bed
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
in another girl's name.

[nibbed]

Hi Tiger The Lion,
This poem is an emotional poem.


Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead
on the Godless sheets 
of a hospital bed
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
by another girl's name.                           




I'm puzzled at Godless sheets...
and why it is titled Wills...
have a blessed new day
janine

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for your read and comments Janine.

Hi Tiger The Lion,
This poem is an emotional poem.


Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead
on the Godless sheets 
of a hospital bed
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
by another girl's name.                           




I'm puzzled at Godless sheets... I imagined the scene of a miscarriage to be an occasion for a crisis of faith 
and why it is titled Wills... this was intended to refer to God's will, a mother's will, and a child's will - and the varying weight they carry - I may have missed the mark. 
have a blessed new day
janine

Paul

[vagabond]

Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead
on the Godless sheets 
of a hospital bed
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
in another girl's name.

maybe "testament" could work better as a title than "wills" (the latter makes me think of will as in will power or determination)
another thing is that it would be pretty cruel if parents told their child that his/ her name was meant to belong to a miscarried sibling (almost to the point it distracts me and makes me wonder about probabilities) . so i thought you could write "but you think you were baptized..."

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead                                Flopped makes the sentence sound more comical, perhaps you're aiming for a more cynical tone
on the Godless sheets                                                     which relays the 'godless' in the next sentence more. I understand that, but i still feel that it 
of a hospital bed                                                             heavily diminishes the gravity of this otherwise heavy poem.
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
in another girl's name.                                                    While i would personally have went for 'Child' instead of girl in this sentence, I must say that 
                                                                                       really appreciate the choice for 'girl' instead, which makes the poem almost be from a personal 
                                                                                      perspective, thus increasing its gravity. (I do sincerely hope you haven't been through such grief, though!)

Thanks for sharing this with us! Might I ask though, who do you refer to with 'you' in the first sentence? The sibbling of the misscariaged daughter?

[Achebe]

Wills
 
It wasn't you that flopped out dead .... "flopped out" is great
on the Godless sheets 
of a hospital bed ..... "godless" is too intrusive, POV. Too many words by this point.
when your mother miscarried.
 
But you know you were baptized
in another girl's name. ..... so what? The revelation at the end is rather ho-hum. "I'm tired now, Richieu, and it's too many stories already". You gotta top that.