Love Poem

[heslopian]

Winter spies us curled like bugs
round sheaths of wheat.

The take out cartons,
empty cola cans,

books unread
and battered shoes,

like a photograph
developing backwards

slowly fade
into the dark,

beginning with a scene
and ending in a blur.

I grind my erection
against your kneecap,

you smile in your sleep
and pull me closer.

[billy]

We are curled on the bed
through this winter evening. [feels a little cliche]

The takeout cartons, [is take out one word?]
empty cola cans, [love the way you don't brand the cola]

books never read
and battered formal shoes,

slowly fade
into the dark, [is 'the' needed?]

like a photograph
developing backwards,

beginning with a scene
and ending in a blur.

I grind my erection
against your kneecap,

you smile in your sleep
and pull me closer. [feels a little weak]

would the 5th couplet read better as the 4th and vice versa?
would the last couple read better as the 2nd to last and vice versa?
i found the poem to be very light; echoing a common scene most of us have been through. for me the opening couplet could of been more original
and so could the last (maybe) other than that it worked well for me.

thanks for the read jack

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, Billy I see this as being quite an airy poem, like one of those princess loo roll covers, so I see your point about it being light.
I often have trouble beginning and rounding off my pieces, which drives me insane, as they're the most important parts
The first couplet annoys me more than the last, which I see as just a bit cute, and no doubt better suited to the middle of a verse, rather than the final note. That opening one, however, really bugs me in hindsight. Calling it a little cliche is very generous; it's so Mills&Boon that if you showed it to a bored housewife she'd probably start masturbating.
The reason I didn't brand the cola is because I've already mentioned one label in a previous piece, and I don't want people to think that I'm on their payroll
That idea about switching the verses around makes a lot of sense. I'll make an edit and see how I feel about it.
I'm not sure takeout is one word... I'll divide it once I've finished this.
Thanks again for the feedback

EDIT: Turns out I love your couplet switcharoo It gives the "dark" line more emphasis.

SECOND EDIT: Also changed the first couplet.

[billy]

the first couplet is now original

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

The revision really kicked it up a notch. I love how the opening is totally unexpected now (especially for a love poem). The S4 and S5 switch also makes the images you're working with pop out more (which is great).

I think it's a very effective poem. The ending couplet doesn't bother me enough to pull it necessarily, but I am a big fan of ending and beginning poems on the strongest lines (which I don't always do myself--so apart from that minor thing haha). Another option for you would be to go with something like this:

Winter spies us curled like bugs
round sheaths of wheat.

The take out cartons,
empty cola cans,

books unread
and battered shoes,

I grind my erection
against your kneecap,

you smile in your sleep
and pull me closer.

like a photograph
developing backwards

slowly fade
into the dark,

beginning with a scene
and ending in a blur.

I like that change because of what blur implies. Oh well, it's a good poem as you have it. I just wanted to pass another option your way.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for the feedback and kind words Todd Would re-arranging those couplets in that way hurt the poem's coherence? I love your idea about ending on the strongest line, but I'm not sure if that would make sense.

[Todd]

Well, you'll have to go with your instincts on that Jack. It makes sense to me with the rearrangement. I can make the Like a photograph transition without any problem. If you can't than I'd stay away from it. It has to feel organically right to you.

[Lawrence]

I can't really mention anything that hasn't already been said about this poem. "Like a photograph developing backwards" is an awesome line; it's something I might play off of later.

Just one thing: "battered shoes" sounds kind of weak. I don't know if " battered" is the best way to describe them...
But this is just my preference. Perhaps there's a better adjective?

Thanks as always.

[heslopian]

I can't really mention anything that hasn't already been said about this poem. "Like a photograph developing backwards" is an awesome line; it's something I might play off of later.

Just one thing: "battered shoes" sounds kind of weak. I don't know if " battered" is the best way to describe them...
But this is just my preference. Perhaps there's a better adjective?

Thanks as always.

The original phrase was: "battered formal shoes," but I shortened it for the sake of being more concise. I see what you mean; the adjective is rather old hat.
Thanks for the feedback and kind words, Lawrence

[billy]

i like how this one has progressed jack. sometimes i see a poem get to much of an edit (over edited) this one just got enough, maybe the shoe adjective can be sorted but on the whole i think it's a great working edit. jmo

[heslopian]

i like how this one has progressed jack. sometimes i see a poem get to much of an edit (over edited) this one just got enough, maybe the shoe adjective can be sorted but on the whole i think it's a great working edit. jmo

Thanks Billy I much prefer the couplet I devised to begin the poem after reading your comments, so I think this has developed quite well. I'm often afraid of editing my work lest it fall apart, therefore this small success is all the sweeter