Hidden in the Poppy Field

[nibbed]

Hidden in the Poppy Field


Hints of Chicory
find shelter in
rouge's bloom:

jutting branches,
done in woody green,
make inviting
abstract sculptures,

perches of safety
for the tautened lace
of busy flitting Dragonflies
darting about, a full day
in Peridot & Sphene;

fragrant silkened periwinkles
shyly flag down
awkward cabbage whites

all the while
down below,
root-pillared colonies
stockpile walls of safety
from boulders of sand.


*inspired by Heslopian's image of a Poppy Field



(Original)
Heslopian Image

Hints of Chicory
find shelter in the rouge
of Poppy's bloom,

abstract jutting branches
pose hidden Eutopias, perches
woody green

resting the tautened lace
of flitting Dragonfly
darting about, full day
in Peridot & Sphene;

flouncy wafts
tempt Butterflies
in silks of periwinkle

while root-pillared colonies
stockpile safety
in boulders of sand.

[just mercedes]

I'd never wondered what 'Heslopian' meant - just accepted it as Jack's user name. Now I find an English magazine, The Heslopian, but no further clues. Except that Heslop is a family name. Of Heslop.

Chicory flowers are blue - do you see blue in a poppy? I'm not sure what the 'jutting branches' refer to. I like the use of Eutopia but the dragonfly resting and darting at the same time doesn't work for me. Do you need 'flitting' and 'darting'? Lots of gerunds in that stanza.

Not sure what 'in Peridot and Spene refer to - the butterfly or the day?

'flouncy wafts' was too much for me.

[billy]

for me it needs to have more coherence. i don't feel mood of the piece as it reads too clinically and is pretty hard to decipher, a suggestion would be let it flow more instead of making it choppy

Heslopian Image


Hints of Chicory
find shelter in the rouge
of Poppy's bloom,

abstract jutting branches
pose hidden Eutopias, perches
woody green

resting the tautened lace
of flitting Dragonfly
darting about, full day
in Peridot & Sphene;

flouncy wafts
tempt Butterflies
in silks of periwinkle

while root-pillared colonies
stockpile safety
in boulders of sand.

[Achebe]

Heslopian Image


Hints of Chicory
find shelter in the rouge
of Poppy's bloom,

abstract jutting branches
pose hidden Eutopias, perches
woody green

resting the tautened lace
of flitting Dragonfly
darting about, full day
in Peridot & Sphene;

flouncy wafts
tempt Butterflies
in silks of periwinkle

while root-pillared colonies
stockpile safety
in boulders of sand.

I second JM's observation about too many gerunds.
Furthermore, I don't see a coherent sentence emerge from the poem. I think some full stops would help. There are too many images building upon images here to follow.
I like the 'tautened lace' image.

[nibbed]

Thanks Billy, Achebe, and Just Mercedes.

I was inspired by an image that Heslopian posted. A picture of a poppy field with tiny blue flowers. I have always loved poppies, but have never tried to grow them. I am challenged with the easy care of my lavender, cosmos, and a few other hard-to-kill varieties. I am more into the care of houseplants, I suppose, even then, I get forgetful and don't baby them as I should.  I love wild flowers, though. Nothing more beautiful than a field in the countryside (if you don't have allergies).

In my mind I stood in Heslopian's field and looked around. I could see dragonflies resting on the crooked branches of chicory, their wings, as lacy tarp pulled tight for greatest speedy lift off and maneuverability. Butterflies couldn't help being overwhelmed at all the desserts they found hidden inside waving purple crepe. I knelt down in the field and could see the ants busy at work, hauling boulders of sand, to strengthen their nest. I suppose I focused on the chicory too much, too...but sometimes the most unnoticed things I am drawn to, for some reason. Then I got too abstract in my description.

I thought I had scythed well through the gerunds, too, you should have seen them at first! But today is a new day and all your comments make perfect sense. It was certainly a very selfish poem because it didn't consider the position of the reader. I do that sometimes, but I suppose it is a matter of discipline concerning some weird and selfish neediness, self-centered junk I hate. I think I have much to work with and much work to do! Your comments were so good that it gave me many ideas on what to do. THANK YOU

nibbed

[Andurian]

I feel as if this has too many images imposed upon one another and too quickly. I don't feel like I was able to make a complete visual of what you were aiming for and as a result, I dont get as much of a feeling out of it and it feels disjointed.

[alonso ramoran]

Heslopian Image


Hints of Chicory
find shelter in the rouge
of Poppy's bloom,

abstract jutting branches
pose hidden Eutopias, perches
woody green

resting the tautened lace
of flitting Dragonfly
darting about, full day
in Peridot & Sphene;

flouncy wafts
tempt Butterflies
in silks of periwinkle

while root-pillared colonies
stockpile safety
in boulders of sand.

While the imagery of this poem remains lovely, I have to say that I don't know what do with my thoughts after reading this. It was like being given a list of things to do in the middle of nowhere (these things are most enjoyable, I assure you). Since the poem is mostly imagery, I will try to critique the ways you attempted to convey these images. (1) I notice you talk a few times about shelter and a Utopia, may I ask from what? I would think the sun, but otherwise it seems like an unnecessary metaphor(?) because it's scarcely mentioned. (2)Tautened lace; dragonflies, Flouncy wafts; butterflies, nice. (3) I love how you managed to describe an ant colony without resorting to basic description devices. It sounds original.

[nibbed]

I feel as if this has too many images imposed upon one another and too quickly. I don't feel like I was able to make a complete visual of what you were aiming for and as a result, I dont get as much of a feeling out of it and it feels disjointed.

thank you kindly, alexorande and Andurian
you both are absolutely right.
I made a final revision considering
your critiques

have a blessed day

nibbed