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Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
Attrition:
Of words bounced off
me and on to you.
We aren't aren't saying playing
until we do. after.
We've crafted careful outs -
snarky innocents.
We are always right
I've asked her and she asked you.
We all agree we are clever.
Your words bounce off me
and into your skull
like a bullet.
Pull the trigger.
But it's not about you.
Posts: 1,187
Threads: 250
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This is quite involving - like listening to two people who are in love/hate, either the kind that's more intense than each or too ambivalent to be either.
The technique of showing cancelled words and phrases is arresting. Are these what the hearer heard physically, then altered and filtered to fit his presumptions (and what he'll remember and reply to)? And do we know (except in L4 with two periods) how much has been added after hearing? An example of that is L3 with two "arent" - did the hearer add the second, perhaps ironically?
The wordshot metaphor is also intriguing: if what's actually said is being interrupted like six layers of Kevlar and a trauma plate, is a verbal kill-shot really possible? Layers of snark.
Enjoyed it!
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
What fun to read and so applicable to so many situations. People. I especially like the depth of these lines:
"We've crafted careful outs -
snarky
innocents"
I'll keep reading and see if any suggestion come up, but I like it as is. maybe apostrophes in the arents but maybe not, it's lazy text, might suit.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Threads: 34
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Hi Qdeathstar. Unusual,but clever short form.
Attrition:
Of words bounced off
me and on to you.
We arent arent saying playing both arents need apostrophes
until we do. after.
We've crafted careful outs - I like the creative use of the line-through words, and what it does.
snarky innocents.
We are always right
I've asked her and she asked you.
We all agree we are clever.
Your words bounce off me
and into your skull
like a bullet.
Pull the trigger.
But it's not about you.
Each time I read it I got something else from it.
It's settled. I've decided it's someone lonely
who often talks to themself, and the unhealthy
choice of not loving or encouraging themself.
best regards
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
