Human Nature

[Wjames]

All red and sweaty between the thighs
with ants on my legs and bees smelling pollen
from the buds of her breasts, throbbing hard 
in the oak shade overlooking Lake Ontario's
grimy coast lined with dead fish half-eaten by dogs 
and covered in sand kicked up by dads on hikes
looking for memories in the bush.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey WJ. I need more time with this. I live here so I can picture the scene whether it is well described or not. It's been a sticky couple of days so I can relate. The punctuation choices - or lack of - are interesting. I think you could play with some of the line breaks where commas might normally be inserted. I say that because for now I'm not inclined to insert them.

All red and sweaty between the thighs
with ants on my legs and bees smelling pollen
from the buds of her breasts, throbbing hard 
in the oak shade overlooking Lake Ontario's
grimy coast lined with dead fish half-eaten by dogs I read grimy as Grimsby - haha . Plus, I think it's the birds that get to the fish, more than dogs.
and covered in sand kicked up by dads on hikes
looking for memories in the bush. "memories" feels like a departure. Why the abstraction here at the end after all the other detail. Also feels like a bit of a jump from beach to bush.

Paul

[CRNDLSM]

All red and sweaty between the thighs
with ants on my legs and bees smelling pollen
from the buds of her breasts, throbbing hard 
in the oak shade overlooking Lake Ontario's
grimy coast lined with dead fish half-eaten by dogs I like coast lined, cause it's like coastline, but not
and covered in sand kicked up by dads on hikes
looking for memories in the bush.

Highlighted the most sexual parts cause of the human nature, crossed out words I could do without, don't know much about the great lakes but I get a slightly frustrated scene.

[Maggie Riggins]

All Red and sweaty between the thighs
with ants on my legs, and bees smelling pollen
from the buds of her breasts. Throbbing hard
in the oak shade, overlooking Lake Ontario's
grimy coast. Lined with dead fish, half-eaten by dogs 
and covered in sand kicked up by dads on hikes
looking for lost memories in the bush.

This is my first critique! I chose your poem because I love it, but I had to read it twice to find the flow. I like that you didn't use much punctuation, and that every line has multiple interpretations that bleed into one another. My favorite thing about your poem is how you meld humans and nature, describing nature but also describing the human body and illustrating our connection to nature. It's intense imagery. My biggest critique would be clarity of flow. Superb!

[Richard]

Hey Wjames,
I quite like the imagery in this poem. I do have some suggestions though:

All red and sweaty between the thighs -The more I read this line, the more it seems to me that the poem starts with a very sexual image: someone's sweaty crotch. The enjambment with the next line wonderfully distracts from this potent image.
with ants on my legs and bees smelling pollen
from the buds of her breasts, throbbing hard -The bee imagery is a nice way to compare someone's breasts to flowers. The "throbbing hard" is a little too on the nose for my liking, but others would probably disagree.
in the oak shade overlooking Lake Ontario's -The expression "oak shade" is nice language usage. It would have been so easy to say something like "in an oak tree's shadow," but I much prefer how you said it. 
grimy coast lined with dead fish half-eaten by dogs -This line creates a wonderfully disgusting image in my mind. It also makes me question how the speaker feels about his/her experience in the poem. Was this your intention here?
and covered in sand kicked up by dads on hikes
looking for memories in the bush. -I like this last line. The juxtaposition of the sexual experience with someone's dad is a bit jarring, but in a good way.

I know someone else already mentioned it, but I would also suggest playing around with punctuation. I think it would make this piece even stronger if you did.

Cheers,
Richard

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone, sorry for the delay in responding.

I agree that playing with the punctuation could make it easier to read (especially aloud), but I like the breathless run on sentence feel, and adding comma's just for pauses can change the meaning. I'll have to think on this one some more.