“The chime”

[Pat Doiron]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons
Dangling by threads fed through there souls
They dance when the wind blows
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

[dukealien]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons
Dangling by threads fed through there souls  hard to picture this
They dance when the wind blows
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself  "into" rather than "to," despite/because of semi-rhyme with "unto?"
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

Very nice evocation of a wind chime made with found items.

Had a little trouble with your third line - why drill holes in the silver rather than just tie the thread securely around the utensils?  The implied holes are usefully metaphorical in line with "souls" (navels?) but engineering-wise hard to justify IMHO.  For exact balance, perhaps?

Was critical of "creating" rather than "creates," but on third reading the extra syllable of the participle jingles appropriately.  Good choice.

Very pleasant - like a good wind chime.  Thanks for posting!

[Todd]

Hi, a few comments for you.

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication--I'm not sure from a fabrication brings much to the piece. It feels vague. It may be better ending the line on hanging.
Alongside flattened spoons--like this 
Dangling by threads fed through there souls --there should be their 
They dance when the wind blows--lot of they/their words in this. I'd find a way to kill some of them.
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust --I'd like more motion in this sequence rather than a description of motion. I do like the collisions creating vibrations with every gust part.
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

This has elements that I really like. I just feel that it's existing as a description of an event instead of the event itself. I'm not sure if I'm being clear but I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[Pat Doiron]

Hi, a few comments for you.

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication--I'm not sure from a fabrication brings much to the piece. It feels vague. It may be better ending the line on hanging.
Alongside flattened spoons--like this 
Dangling by threads fed through there souls --there should be their 
They dance when the wind blows--lot of they/their words in this. I'd find a way to kill some of them.
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust --I'd like more motion in this sequence rather than a description of motion. I do like the collisions creating vibrations with every gust part.
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

This has elements that I really like. I just feel that it's existing as a description of an event instead of the event itself. I'm not sure if I'm being clear but I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

thanks for the input guys, you both make good points, to duke: yeah, there are holes drilled into the silverware, the shape of the finial didn't allow the string to simply be tied on lol.

and to todd:valid points, I'm going to be paying more attention before posting in the future lol. hit the nail on the head there with your last comment... the chime is hanging in my living room, it has never seen the outdoors and has never rung by means of air current lol i forged it many years ago and never got rid of it...

[ellajam]

Hi, Pat, a fun read. I think you could put some more thought into the punctuation, some notes below.

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication I think the poem could lose "from a fabrication", it's such a general word for your precise description and "hanging" would make a nice break.
Alongside flattened spoons maybe a comma
Dangling by threads fed through there souls their souls.
They dance when the wind blows I think you might lose "when the wind blows" if you'd like to keep gusts below.
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust You might rework this line, "creating" reads wordy, like filler the poem doesn't need.
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself Maybe everything after "melody" could be condensed into just the right word or two.
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic The poem could lose "beautifully", harmoniously says it.
Bring forth joy in balance.

I especially like the start of "twisted forks", the imperfect becoming perfect. With a little work I think this poem could read as purely as the chimes sing. I hope my comments help, thanks for posting it.

[Pat Doiron]

Hi, Pat, a fun read. I think you could put some more thought into the punctuation, some notes below.

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication I think the poem could lose "from a fabrication", it's such a general word for your precise description and "hanging" would make a nice break.
Alongside flattened spoons maybe a comma
Dangling by threads fed through there souls their souls.
They dance when the wind blows I think you might lose "when the wind blows" if you'd like to keep gusts below.
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust You might rework this line, "creating" reads wordy, like filler the poem doesn't need.
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself Maybe everything after "melody" could be condensed into just the right word or two.
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic The poem could lose "beautifully", harmoniously says it.
Bring forth joy in balance.

I especially like the start of "twisted forks", the imperfect becoming perfect. With a little work I think this poem could read as purely as the chimes sing. I hope my comments help, thanks for posting it.

i like, thank you ellajam for your great comments, i have been working on this and some of what you said has been done. thanks again

[nibbed]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication                                -I actually like the use of the word fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons                                                     -once useful tools, now flattened to make noise. that's really good.
Dangling by threads fed through there souls                          -threads, once again a useful working of one word>>>>typo there
They dance when the wind blows                                           -I suppose it is like dancing, and wind is like the encouragement of music
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust                   -they do collide when they dance
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself                            -necessary comma?
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic                        - Patterns?
Bring forth joy in balance.                                                       - nice




I wonder if you had as much fun writing it
as I had reading it. Thank you for the privilege
of reading and critiquing.

nibbed


*I am wondering what your avatar is,
I cannot seem to make it larger
to see. Is it a large firearm or an anvil?
I'm curious!

[RiverNotch]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons
Dangling by threads fed through there souls "their". And why not punctuate, especially as the end is punctuated? The run-on doesn't make the piece any windier.
They dance when the wind blows
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

Underlined: imprecise. "fabrication" being too general removes the decidedly vivid "twisted forks"/"flattened spoons" from a visible framework. "souls" creates too much noise: what aspect of the utensils, especially the holes through which their lines are fed, give them consciousness? "collisions / vibrations" lead to an ionic overload, and one that doesn't quite capture the delicate sounds of a chime, or the soft and steady hum that sometimes follows. And the last three lines don't deal with imagery at all: sure, it's hard to describe music, but right now calling the "melody" an "entity" (what anything is) or "patterns" (by definition, what any piece of music is) or "harmonious" (what most deliberate pieces of music are) or "harmoniously chaotic" (what most improvisations are) or "bringer of joy in balance" (what most pieces of music seek to be) says nothing about "the chime", let alone something poetic. I would suggest further focusing on the forks and spoons, following through with their personification in the first four lines to create images that evoke what "the chime" sounds, means, to the speaker, but of course it's up to you.

[Pat Doiron]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons
Dangling by threads fed through there souls "their". And why not punctuate, especially as the end is punctuated? The run-on doesn't make the piece any windier.
They dance when the wind blows
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

Underlined: imprecise. "fabrication" being too general removes the decidedly vivid "twisted forks"/"flattened spoons" from a visible framework. "souls" creates too much noise: what aspect of the utensils, especially the holes through which their lines are fed, give them consciousness? "collisions / vibrations" lead to an ionic overload, and one that doesn't quite capture the delicate sounds of a chime, or the soft and steady hum that sometimes follows. And the last three lines don't deal with imagery at all: sure, it's hard to describe music, but right now calling the "melody" an "entity" (what anything is) or "patterns" (by definition, what any piece of music is) or "harmonious" (what most deliberate pieces of music are) or "harmoniously chaotic" (what most improvisations are) or "bringer of joy in balance" (what most pieces of music seek to be) says nothing about "the chime", let alone something poetic. I would suggest further focusing on the forks and spoons, following through with their personification in the first four lines to create images that evoke what "the chime" sounds, means, to the speaker, but of course it's up to you.

 
hello nibbed, the avatar is an anvil with a hammer and two pairs of tongs on it, blacksmithing is my profession. and yes, i did have fun writing this and thank you for your enjoyment of it. I have addressed some of the issues mentioned

hey RiverNotch, thank you for your insight and thorough break down of my text , the "chime" is one of my early creations. the word soul here does not imply "consciousness" for even "unconscious" beings have souls, the "fabrication" is a construct that the twisted forks and flattened spoons hang from as we do in the construct we live in... it's but a fabrication. the "strings fed through their souls" is a euphemism for the puppet like dance we do and even though it is controlled and limited by "bindings" there is still some good produced through their interactions that bring to being the rest of the of the text. i would suggest looking at this with much much much more imagination lol. the whole of the text is a euphemism for the human condition. I hope this kinda clears some of that up for you, although you can interpret this however you want    i really liked you comment RiverNotch it was "topnotch" lol

[RiverNotch]

“The chime”
 
Twisted forks hanging from a fabrication
Alongside flattened spoons
Dangling by threads fed through there souls "their". And why not punctuate, especially as the end is punctuated? The run-on doesn't make the piece any windier.
They dance when the wind blows
Their collisions creating vibrations with every gust
Melody comes to being, an entity unto itself
Patterns, beautifully and harmoniously chaotic
Bring forth joy in balance.

Underlined: imprecise. "fabrication" being too general removes the decidedly vivid "twisted forks"/"flattened spoons" from a visible framework. "souls" creates too much noise: what aspect of the utensils, especially the holes through which their lines are fed, give them consciousness? "collisions / vibrations" lead to an ionic overload, and one that doesn't quite capture the delicate sounds of a chime, or the soft and steady hum that sometimes follows. And the last three lines don't deal with imagery at all: sure, it's hard to describe music, but right now calling the "melody" an "entity" (what anything is) or "patterns" (by definition, what any piece of music is) or "harmonious" (what most deliberate pieces of music are) or "harmoniously chaotic" (what most improvisations are) or "bringer of joy in balance" (what most pieces of music seek to be) says nothing about "the chime", let alone something poetic. I would suggest further focusing on the forks and spoons, following through with their personification in the first four lines to create images that evoke what "the chime" sounds, means, to the speaker, but of course it's up to you.

 
hello nibbed, the avatar is an anvil with a hammer and two pairs of tongs on it, blacksmithing is my profession. and yes, i did have fun writing this and thank you for your enjoyment of it. I have addressed some of the issues mentioned

hey RiverNotch, thank you for your insight and thorough break down of my text , the "chime" is one of my early creations. the word soul here does not imply "consciousness" for even "unconscious" beings have souls, the "fabrication" is a construct that the twisted forks and flattened spoons hang from as we do in the construct we live in... it's but a fabrication. the "strings fed through their souls" is a euphemism for the puppet like dance we do and even though it is controlled and limited by "bindings" there is still some good produced through their interactions that bring to being the rest of the of the text. i would suggest looking at this with much much much more imagination lol. the whole of the text is a euphemism for the human condition. I hope this kinda clears some of that up for you, although you can interpret this however you want    i really liked you comment RiverNotch it was "topnotch" lol

My issue with this is less that it's a metaphor for the human condition, than it's not a followed-through one. The start is solid, but in an inconsistent manner, and then the end is too abstract, with not enough of a disconnect to fully telegraph the intent. I got how it was a metaphor, but because of the inconsistency in how the metaphor was delivered, the poem failed for me. The best metaphors tend to be self-consistent, keeping with the voice they chose to develop on their onset: say, for example, "The Bait", where John Donne, in a poem that starts with the specific imagery of "golden sands, and crystal brooks", etc, does not muddy his metaphor by later substituting, say, "curious traitors, sleeve-silk flies", with, say, "keepers of romantic lies" - he follows what the imagery demands, even, in his case, until the very end, "that fish, that is not catch'd nearby / alas, is wiser far than I", creating a stronger presentation. And, returning to your piece's end, you leave your metaphor with something that isn't quite specific enough to the human condition to, again, telegraph your intent, but isn't quite vivid enough to make a lasting impression, with the piece of music referred to, "the chime", being described in a manner that applies to most music, and yet also applying to the human condition in grossly general, not particularly insightful terms.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/4...2230bf176d

[Pat Doiron]

 
hello nibbed, the avatar is an anvil with a hammer and two pairs of tongs on it, blacksmithing is my profession. and yes, i did have fun writing this and thank you for your enjoyment of it. I have addressed some of the issues mentioned

hey RiverNotch, thank you for your insight and thorough break down of my text , the "chime" is one of my early creations. the word soul here does not imply "consciousness" for even "unconscious" beings have souls, the "fabrication" is a construct that the twisted forks and flattened spoons hang from as we do in the construct we live in... it's but a fabrication. the "strings fed through their souls" is a euphemism for the puppet like dance we do and even though it is controlled and limited by "bindings" there is still some good produced through their interactions that bring to being the rest of the of the text. i would suggest looking at this with much much much more imagination lol. the whole of the text is a euphemism for the human condition. I hope this kinda clears some of that up for you, although you can interpret this however you want    i really liked you comment RiverNotch it was "topnotch" lol

My issue with this is less that it's a metaphor for the human condition, than it's not a followed-through one. The start is solid, but in an inconsistent manner, and then the end is too abstract, with not enough of a disconnect to fully telegraph the intent. I got how it was a metaphor, but because of the inconsistency in how the metaphor was delivered, the poem failed for me. The best metaphors tend to be self-consistent, keeping with the voice they chose to develop on their onset: say, for example, "The Bait", where John Donne, in a poem that starts with the specific imagery of "golden sands, and crystal brooks", etc, does not muddy his metaphor by later substituting, say, "curious traitors, sleeve-silk flies", with, say, "keepers of romantic lies" - he follows what the imagery demands, even, in his case, until the very end, "that fish, that is not catch'd nearby / alas, is wiser far than I", creating a stronger presentation. And, returning to your piece's end, you leave your metaphor with something that isn't quite specific enough to the human condition to, again, telegraph your intent, but isn't quite vivid enough to make a lasting impression, with the piece of music referred to, "the chime", being described in a manner that applies to most music, and yet also applying to the human condition in grossly general, not particularly insightful terms.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/4...2230bf176d

ah yes, i get what you're saying, thank you for clearing that up not to justify what i wrote but isn't the human condition "not following through" ... perhaps a bit to abstract and a bit to incomplete, thanks again for your invaluable insight