First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface
After reading some comments you guys have made I've tried to reduce the wordiness of Worm and some other changes
I can not decide what tense I want it to be in. This story is not supposed to be linear. It is supposed to disregard the meaning of time by allowing a past experience of the worm the same weight and "time" as the present. I am not sure how to articulate it much better than that, but if you have suggestions on which tense should be used i would love know!!
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I'm on my iPad just now and it's rubbish for formatting, but I really want to come back to this. There is a lot of promise here, but it needs some polishing to bring it out. You do walk a fine line between poetry and prose, but I have a few ideas about that. I promise I'll come back, probably tomorrow... just didn't want to leave you languishing here because there's quite a bit to like.
So. Rubbish comment today, but I promise it gets better...
It could be worse
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Joined: Jul 2017
(07-27-2017, 12:49 PM)Wright Wrote: Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface
The lines as the poor worm digs his way through the earth are really long and draggy, which works really well in context, giving more weight to his struggle.
I wonder if you could take the chance to give more specifics though.
e.g. "The little worm dug his weary way in the warm heavy earth." Or something like that, to give more detail.
Quote:He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
These lines feel clunky to me... The metronome metaphor and the simile with the adult seem like you just inserted them in. Is there any way you could incorporate them more smoothly? I like the ideas a lot, and I get their purpose in the overall metaphor! Maybe something like "purpose ticked a ceaseless tempo in his head"? Even if you somehow got rid of the "the"s and the "of"s.
Anyways, I really like the extended metaphor here, and felt feelings for the worm. I especially like the repetition that you use throughout!
And so it goes :-)
Link to my blog, where I post poetry and occasionally some prose
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Threads: 409
Joined: May 2014
Hello Wright, and welcome. You have a likable story here. The are a few lines that are confusing to me and you could probably cut the word count by about 20%. Some of the line lengths are erratic but some word cutting may help that also. I will try to make some suggestions below.
(07-27-2017, 12:49 PM)Wright Wrote:
First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth -cool of the earth may contrast better with your ending
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made would prefer "four" to 4
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made long line and a little confusing
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil I like unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down He He He
He considered stopping <<<
to see how far he had come
or at least to try to dig backwards
However the metronome
of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult
(he?)is reminded of his childhood from smells>>> just an example of how you might shorten some lines
DOWN DOWN DOWN - bold and caps probably not necessary
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot (that) to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Relive the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey did you mean to switch to present tense here?
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface strong finish
Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing. I would consider losing the caps at the start of each line - it would make the entire poem more clear. I think some careful punctuation would allow you to remove some of the repetition and wordiness. You might also consider some white space between ideas. I hope that helps get you started.
Paul
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, Wright. Welcome here.
I was riding along in your poem
and then, well, that ending!
Thankfully, it was just a worm!
Worm
The little worm dug his way/ into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation /for every move he made
Everything he was /was down
For down is to live/ the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made [this is not complete]
He felt the struggle/ of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight/ of the dirt above him /but still he dug down
He considered stopping/ to see how far he had come/ or at least to try to dig backwards/ However the metronome of purpose/ ticked in his head [:]
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down[,] fatigued/ by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him,/ and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun./ He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered/ going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could/ feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down [?]
Why am I so helpless to what I am[?]
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was/ he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them[,] no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been/ and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had [needs clarity]
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes[,] the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface [ sad, but surprising end!]
This is a good first posting.
I made a few suggestions
on breaking up the lines.
Thank you for the opportunity
to read and critique your poem.
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
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Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-30-2017, 01:13 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2017, 01:15 PM by billy.)
a lot can be cut away and a lot can be kept. rhyme and grammar both have their place as does the lack of it so no problem on that score. i spotted a couple of metaphor and a simile. a piece this size could always be helped with a few more of each. i got the feeling though that in and of itself, the poem was a metaphor; this is a good thing even if it wasn't intended. it shows me that sometimes the struggle to achieve or attain something can have too great a cost.
to the poem; i'll just do a couple of examples on how you could if you wished cut away some of the excess fat. feel free to ignore them  alos think about word choice, is warmth better than warmness, could a better word serve as a help to what you us to feel a word like cosy or cloying {depending on what the worm is feeling. why all caps yet no grammar? more than anything i enjoyed that the poem showed me some emotion and allowed me to also feel it.
sorry for any of the small inserts, i'm rusty on my feedback and it was the only way i could explain thing.
you can do a lot more editing than i suggested which was just some food for thought.
(07-27-2017, 12:49 PM)Wright Wrote: First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for motivating it's/hisevery move he made
Everything he was was down while you don't like grammar, [was was] reads awkwardly, could you manage just one or two commas in the poem to stop the reader stumbling?
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious [shouted/ordered] reminded himself for every thought he made needs a comma
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil this is great line best so far, it helps me feel the worms pain
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down needs a comma
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface feels forced, [it ends too obviously] one way you could go is to use a line space or two before the end line and leave the reader to work out what happened with a simple [[b]and stops digging] or some such phrase. [/b]
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[quote="Wright" pid='231903' dateline='1501127377']
First time posting feel free to say whatever you think I can handle anything you can throw at me! I really want to become a better writer.
Also I am not sure if this is a poem. I hate rhyming and grammar (unless it's something major) Enjoy!
Worm
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells I feel that this comparison is inaccurate
DOWN DOWN DOWN
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles
He forgot to go back you must Fight every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface
After reading some comments you guys have made I've tried to reduce the wordiness of Worm and some other changes
I can not decide what tense I want it to be in. This story is not supposed to be linear. It is supposed to disregard the meaning of time by allowing a past experience of the worm the same weight and "time" as the present. I am not sure how to articulate it much better than that, but if you have suggestions on which tense should be used i would love know!!
Hi,
I have lots of trouble with tense too, but I didn't find it hard to read your story, even if the tense wasn't consistent. What I did notice was that some punctuation would make the poem much easier to read.
The ending is quite surprising (and sad). It reminds me of how its often said that your whole life flashes before your eyes right before you die... maybe that is how it worked out for the worm, and it was all part of the plan after all!
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Threads: 1
Joined: Aug 2017
Hey, I really like this. Here are a few compliments and comments that may help clear up your language and strengthen your themes.
The little worm dug his way into the warmness of the earth*1
His 4 beating hearts offered him motivation for every move he made
Everything he was was down*2
For down is to live the worm’s subconscious reminded himself for every thought he made*3
He felt the struggle of digging into the unquenched soil
He felt the weight of the dirt above him but still he dug down
He considered stopping to see how far he had come or at least to try to dig backwards However the metronome of purpose ticked in his head
Reminding him much like an adult is reminded of his childhood from smells*4
DOWN DOWN DOWN*5
and he dug down fatigued by the ways he had come
Feeling more of the weight of everything above him, and everything he had left behind
He missed the sun. He missed the wind and the grass
Again for a moment he considered going up and resting
DOWN DOWN DOWN
He’s scared. Digging as fast as he could feeling so useless only digging down
Why? Why must I dig down
Why am I so helpless to what I am*6
Until he tells himself he will stop
With everything he was he resisted the crashing cymbals*7 resonating in his head
He tells them no! He will not be what he is
He cannot stand this anymore and so he dug up
He dug up his past
He dug up the places he’s been and surmounted his past obstacles*8
He forgot to go back you must Fight*9 every battle you've had
Re live the pain it brought you and the scars it caused
As he reaches the beginning of his journey
He feels the warmth of the sun
He feels the wind*10
Within minutes the worm fried from the unimaginable heat of the surface*11
*1- I agree with the earlier comment that something to the effect of 'coolness' would create a nice contrast to the ending.
*2- This is a cool idea, nice
*3- I think I get what you're trying to say but it's a bit confusing. Perhaps some punctuation could help. The way I want to read it is: For Down is to live, the worm’s subconscious reminded him with every thought.
*4- All these he and his pronouns are getting a little convoluted and burdensome. I suggest cutting some of them out.
*5- I like when poems play with their aesthetics, so I'd enjoy putting each 'down' on a separate, spaced out line so the reader has to move down the paper, like the worm. Something like:
DOWN
DOWN
DOWN.
*6- This is a beautiful line
*7- Another powerful image
*8- From "he tells them no!" to my note, you can tell the intensity is increasing. These lines read quicker than earlier ones because of the building tension of the worm's rebellion. However, breaking them up into individual lines takes away from their intensity and slows down the rhythm. I think you should keep the wording of these lines the same, maybe even add some more imagery on how the worm feels as he rebels, but put them all on the same line.
*9- Why is "Fight" capitalized?
*10- I like how this and the two previous lines gradually get shorter, slowing down the pace of the poem as the tension dies down now that the worm is back to the start.
*11- Separate this line from the previous one. Also, I like how fried is past tense. It almost seems like there is a great passage of time between the last two lines since the speaker talks about the worm alive in the present tense, but uses past tense for the worm's death-as if the worm died long ago and the speaker is returning to the poem much later.
Overall, I think this is a fun poem with a meaningful theme. Other than these few notes, definitely consider messing with some punctuation too!
Look forward to reading the next version!
Beau
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