The Grape Dreams of Wine (revision 2)

[Todd]

Revision 2

Mine is the vine’s melody; 
skin strained beneath the sun.
When this song kisses your lips,
you taste my aria.

Revision

Mine is the vine’s melody; 
skin strained beneath the sun.

This song kisses your lips; 
you taste my aria.


Original

Mine was the vine’s melody,
skin strained beneath the sun.

My song kisses your lips,
and you taste its aria.

[RiverNotch]

....isn't "aria" a kind of song, and not a mere part of it?

[Todd]

I see your point so possibly substitute My/its with The/my

[Keith]

Really enjoyed this Todd love the title, the use of strained and how each line holds the metaphor together, not a fan of mine vine I think they might be too close for such a short accomplished piece. Best Keith

[just mercedes]

That's a wonderful title, sounds Rumi-esque to me - intoxication was a metaphor for being full of the spirit of god. I like the taste of sound, the way the senses stand in for each other, meld.

I wonder why 'mine WAS' when the rest of the verse is in present tense? Also, for me, 'and' in the final line detracts from the impact.

[Todd]

Thank you, all. I'll give this some thought and tighten it up some.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I made some adjustments based on the critiques. I fixed the tense and agreed with slashing the and (Mercedes). I fixed the definition issue between song and aria (RN). Keith, I fully get where you're coming from with the close proximity of the internal rhyme. It personally doesn't bother me and I like the sound of it. That said, I did try to make some substitutions but was unhappy with them. I'll let it stand for the moment.

Thank you all.

Todd

[vagabond]

Revision

Mine is the vine’s melody; 
skin strained beneath the sun.

This song kisses your lips; 
you taste my aria.

Original

Mine was the vine’s melody,
skin strained beneath the sun.

My song kisses your lips,
and you taste its aria.

the line "skin strained beneath the sun" makes me think the melody is not yet voiced.. and i love that metaphor.
maybe it could be connected with the next line better by writing "when this song kisses your lips you taste my aria"

[Todd]

I like the phrasing you provided. Let me think about it. Surprising what one word can do.

Thank you,

[just mercedes]

Good edit, and I like the suggestion for 'when'. I really like the fune-tuning of the poem. You have it all - touch, sound, taste, joining lovers.

[Abu jafoe]

Hello Todd,

first of all, I really enjoyed reading your poem, it evokes a clear image!
As a suggestion, I think it might be interesting to perhaps play a bit with the structure of the lines
An example could be :

Mine is the vine’s melody;
it's song kissing your lips
you taste my aria
skin strained beneath the sun.

Mine is the vine’s melody;
skin strained beneath the sun.
This song kisses your lips;
you taste my aria.

Kind regards

[Todd]

Mercedes: I like the when also. Appreciate the comments on the edit.

Abu: Thank you, I appreciate the comments and the thoughts. It's interesting to consider the lines from different angles. I'll experiment a bit offline.

Thank you, both.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Since it's a short poem. It's fairly easy to look at alternatives. I tried two other versions as Abu suggested. I think I'm still leaning toward the current revision though it was interesting how punctuation and the restructuring slanted the content. Here are the options I tried:

Mine is the vine’s melody;
its song kissing your lips.
You taste my aria:
skin strained beneath the sun.

~~

Mine is the vine’s melody;
its song kissing your lips.
Skin strained beneath the sun,
you taste my aria.