Trapped - Edit

[dukealien]

Trapped


In half a drop of water clinging
to a bowl’s rim in the sink,
I thought I saw a spider
caught and quivering.

It wasn’t that at all— 
just the world reflected
with my face.

In half a drop of water clinging
to a bowl’s rim in the sink
I thought I saw a spider
trapped and quivering.

It wasn’t that at all ~
just the world reflected
with my face.

[just mercedes]

I love the close focus here. Makes me remember as a child, being fascinated by the reflections of my face in dew caught in a spider's web.

[billy]

i think it's too short a poem to have trapped used twice [the title and body of poem] other than that it's enjoyable.

[RiverNotch]

Trapped



In half a drop of water clinging
to a bowl’s rim in the sink comma at the end might be best
I thought I saw a spider
trapped and quivering.

It wasn’t that at all ~ tilde as sub to the em dash, rather than the standard --? for shame. that said, maybe it's an actual choice, the breathing room being as warped as the reflection -- no, it still reads too short. maybe ~~ instead?
just the world reflected
with my face.

no other issues. solid work.

[rayheinrich]

        : )

[dukealien]

Thanks to all commenters!

@billy - Good point.  "Caught" as title, or on L4?  L4, I think, to click with "quivering."

@Rivernotch - End of line punctuation is among my many weaknesses, particularly in free verse.  Have to try some exercises...

Code:

You like
you like,
you like.
You like?
You like...
you like --
you like!

@rayheinrich - Am I mystified, or being lightly doxxed?  Those two digits *do* appear on my car's licen(s/c)e plates - and in that exact order!  *shudder*

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks to all commenters!

@billy - Good point.  "Caught" as title, or on L4?  L4, I think, to click with "quivering."

@Rivernotch - End of line punctuation is among my many weaknesses, particularly in free verse.  Have to try some exercises...

Code:

You like
you like,
you like.
You like?
You like...
you like --
you like!

Was thinking of "caught" when I first read it. The C and Q would play off each other nicely. Better placed in L4 than the title IMO.

@rayheinrich - Am I mystified, or being lightly doxxed?  Those two digits *do* appear on my car's licen(s/c)e plates - and in that exact order!  *shudder*

[Todd]

Hey Duke, really liked the ideas behind this one.

Trapped



In half a drop of water clinging--like the image, I wonder though if there can actually be half a drop. Very good image to base the poem on though.
to a bowl’s rim in the sink
I thought I saw a spider
trapped and quivering.

It wasn’t that at all ~--great turn here.
just the world reflected
with my face.--solid last two lines

Much enjoyed,

Todd

[rayheinrich]

dukealien sez:
"@rayheinrich - Am I mystified, or being lightly doxxed?  Those two digits *do* appear on my car's licen(s/c)e plates - and in that exact order!  *shudder*"

your malicious intent reflected in your words...
so maybe "in my face" instead of "with my face"?
subconscious will out.

[dukealien]

Edit 1;

Trapped


In half a drop of water clinging
to a bowl’s rim in the sink,
I thought I saw a spider
caught and quivering.

It wasn’t that at all— 
just the world reflected
with my face.

---

Thanks again to all the commenters, changes made as discussed.

@rayheinrich - Can't quite agree there, final line break before "reflected" or "my" would seem more malicious.

Saying "ugly me, my face looks like a spider," not "biggety me, my face is the world."

[Keith]

The title is a good foreshadowing of what is to come, I enjoyed how the poem transitions from the large image to the macro and the image of a face trapped in the miniscus of the half drop with that world within an atom kind of feel. The only line I would look at is L2 its not as smooth as the others, maybe just ....the sinks rim.....I could be missing something with the bowl reference but unless it's important I don't think it adds a great deal. Very much enjoyed this image and the spin you give the reader, nice job. Keith

[rayheinrich]

@rayheinrich - Can't quite agree there, final line break before "reflected" or "my" would seem more malicious.

Saying "ugly me, my face looks like a spider," not "biggety me, my face is the world."

And a quivering one at that... maybe a smirk's tremors?
The guilt comes across as ironic, not self-effacing (as it were).