Reborn

[Tiger the Lion]

Reborn
 
the late summer sun
had sapped our strength
 
‘til the sky smashed open
a piñata of ions
 
and we played like children

[ellajam]

Reborn
 
the late summer sun
had sapped our strength
 
‘til the sky smashed open
a piñata of ions
 
and we played like children

A poem to smile about.

The sonics of the first four lines, along with the imagery, are so luscious that the plainness of the last line lands with a thud for me. The thought is good, maybe you could say it some other way.

Thanks for posting it, lovely.  Oh, and I think "till" may be preferred, not that it really matters to me.

[Tiger the Lion]

Reborn
 
the late summer sun
had sapped our strength
 
‘til the sky smashed open
a piñata of ions
 
and we played like children

A poem to smile about.

The sonics of the first four lines, along with the imagery, are so luscious that the plainness of the last line lands with a thud for me. The thought is good, maybe you could say it some other way.

Thanks for posting it, lovely.  Oh, and I think "till" may be preferred, not that it really matters to me.

Thanks Ella. I'm glad you found this so quick and enjoyed it. I figured you were crossing your fingers for some poems.   This was an attempt to metaphorize my agreement. 

Somewhat agreed about the last line. The problem is this: doing anything in the rain takes you into world of cliche. I tried a few other options for the last line and they were all cheap. So yes, the last line is somewhat justifiably lazy.   I will obsess about it awhile.
Thanks for reading,
Paul

[just mercedes]

The way the indolence was shattered like a pinata woke me up! I like the contrasts, and the ending fits with the ebb and flow of energy in children's games. Have you tried sandwiching the single line between the two sets of couplets? That lets your poem end with a bang.

[shemthepenman]

Hello,

It's both rich and simple. It does so much, evokes so much with only a few interplaying words like small gestures each complementing the other perfectly. The last line doesn't land like a thud for me. It just brings it all back home, back to earth. But not with a crash, more like a light Impressionism. Bodies moving through fat sunbeams.

Reborn
 
the late summer sun
had sapped our strength
 
‘til the sky smashed open
a piñata of ions
 
and we played like children

[billy]

the last line makes it shine. we need to play like kids more often; excellent