Hurricane Ex

[billy]

Hurricane Ex

The hurricane hit;
knocked the front down like a heavyweight.
Emptied bed room closets
in a heart-beat of thunder.
Flash flooded my cheque books;
left my wallet like a washed out flounder
flopping for oxygen

It took two of the kids
the good looking ones.
Mini-me was left cowering in an open corner
making like a lamp-stand without a bulb.

Downstairs fared no better;
car in the lobby, golf clubs in the shitter.

"How did it tear the sleeves
off all my shirts"?

The electricals smashed and strewn,
my molten phone in the kettle.
Dead-doored kitchen cabinets.
A favorite Manchester United poster
ripped and sodden,
the smell of piss on my lazy-boy
and the cackle of laughter
on the retreating wind.

[Keith]

Hi Billy
I like how this explodes on to the page but the title gives away too much too soon, I could have been thinking drugs raid or robbery right up until the sleeves were cut of the shirt and I would have been happy with the uncertanty but the title dropped me right in it. Love how this moves round the house, I was left thinking, Jesus what did this guy do. I found it fresh, fast paced and almost vouyeristic in a oh shit kind of way, some more comment below.

S1 Really like heartbeat of thunder and the fish wallet, full stop after oxygen.

S2 is quite sad and funny the way you spin good and ugly by inference of course but still it has the weight of children caught up in the frey and thats never easy but I think you handle the image well. The first time i read it I though the N was refering to himself but the penny dropped on secon read.

S3 like the shitter better rhyme they keep the piece moving at the pace a hurricane would hit, as the rant spills over from one room to another.

S4 will be the money line....when you change the title...Sorry, if you change the title.

S5 love the phone in the kettle...do poeple really do that, note to self also like the image of dead doors its an interesting line. I tripped on Manchester united because ripping up that is a good thing surley. Oh and its too many syllables Liverpool would definetly scan better. Not sure laughter work that well as it implies control whilst the rest implies out of control but the last line ties it all back together nicley and is a fine ending. Enjoyed this one immensly Billy. Best Keith

[Todd]

Love the conceit you've chosen. 

Hurricane Ex--Great title! It establishes the force of the opening.

The hurricane hit;--This line isn't the most powerful opening. You get into the action quickly but what you could do if you wanted to is include a woman's name. Example: Diane hit the house at 155 mph/She blew the front down... (category 5, etc) 
knocked the front down like a heavyweight.
Emptied bed room closets--bedroom (no space)
in a heart-beat of thunder.
Flash flooded my cheque books;
left my wallet like a washed out flounder
flopping for oxygen--love the humor and image of this.

It took two of the kids
the good looking ones.--funny follow-up line. good-looking should have a hyphen.
Mini-me was left cowering in an open corner
making like a lamp-stand without a bulb.--Haha

Downstairs fared no better;
car in the lobby, golf clubs in the shitter.--the disaster of breakups. The ex as metaphor (enjoyed this progression)

"How did it tear the sleeves
off all my shirts"?--Love the petty destruction and something this specific.

The electricals smashed and strewn,
my molten phone in the kettle.
Dead-doored kitchen cabinets.
A favorite Manchester United poster
ripped and sodden,
the smell of piss on my lazy-boy
and the cackle of laughter
on the retreating wind.--while this technically makes me think of the wicked witch and the tornado--I'm still good with it.

Fun poem, Billy.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback keith; will take it to heart in the edit.

Hi Billy
I like how this explodes on to the page but the title gives away too much too soon, I could have been thinking drugs raid or robbery right up until the sleeves were cut of the shirt and I would have been happy with the uncertanty but the title dropped me right in it. Love how this moves round the house, I was left thinking,  Jesus what did this guy do. I found it fresh, fast paced and almost vouyeristic in a oh shit kind of way, some more comment below.

S1 Really like heartbeat of thunder and the fish wallet, full stop after oxygen.

S2 is quite sad and funny the way you spin good and ugly by inference of course but still it has the weight of children caught up in the frey and thats never easy but I think you handle the image well. The first time i read it I though the N was refering to himself but the penny dropped on secon read.

S3 like the shitter better rhyme they keep the piece moving at the pace a hurricane would hit, as the rant spills over from one room to another.

S4 will be the money line....when you change the title...Sorry, if you change the title.

S5 love the phone in the kettle...do poeple really do that, note to self also like the image of dead doors its an interesting line. I tripped on Manchester united because ripping up that is a good thing surley. Oh and its too many syllables Liverpool would definetly scan better. Not sure laughter work that well as it implies control whilst the rest implies out of control but the last line ties it all back together nicley and is a fine ending. Enjoyed this one immensly Billy. Best Keith

[billy]

thanks for taking the time to drop by and read Todd, will be using some of your thoughts in the edit.

Love the conceit you've chosen. 

Hurricane Ex--Great title! It establishes the force of the opening.

The hurricane hit;--This line isn't the most powerful opening. You get into the action quickly but what you could do if you wanted to is include a woman's name. Example: Diane hit the house at 155 mph/She blew the front down... (category 5, etc) 
knocked the front down like a heavyweight.
Emptied bed room closets--bedroom (no space)
in a heart-beat of thunder.
Flash flooded my cheque books;
left my wallet like a washed out flounder
flopping for oxygen--love the humor and image of this.

It took two of the kids
the good looking ones.--funny follow-up line. good-looking should have a hyphen.
Mini-me was left cowering in an open corner
making like a lamp-stand without a bulb.--Haha

Downstairs fared no better;
car in the lobby, golf clubs in the shitter.--the disaster of breakups. The ex as metaphor (enjoyed this progression)

"How did it tear the sleeves
off all my shirts"?--Love the petty destruction and something this specific.

The electricals smashed and strewn,
my molten phone in the kettle.
Dead-doored kitchen cabinets.
A favorite Manchester United poster
ripped and sodden,
the smell of piss on my lazy-boy
and the cackle of laughter
on the retreating wind.--while this technically makes me think of the wicked witch and the tornado--I'm still good with it.

Fun poem, Billy.

Best,

Todd