Sometimes God Speaks To Me

[DivineMsEmm]

First revision

Sometimes God Speaks to Me


when I see someone I used to love—

or a ladybug lands on my hand
or a sparrow knocks at my window
or I see rainbow beyond the highway—

Not Joan of Arc in a literal sense,
but flames.

~~~

Original

Sometimes God Speaks to Me

Not in a Joan of Arc literal sense,
but when I am in the midst of
30 year old memories from fifth grade
and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—
or when I am trudging along my day
wishing I had enough time to do
what I wanted as well as what I needed—
and when my ears turn red
and when I catch my tears with my cheeks
and when I see someone I used to love—

a ladybug lands in front of my hand or
a sparrow flits at my window or
a rainbow appears beyond the highway—

and I am reminded to smile.

[Achebe]

The last line is well done.
L2 - L4 is a shopping list - it might be a better idea to build an image than provide thee weak, disparate ones.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

this is quite a brutal revision. maybe there is something in the original worth keeping, but it is nice that you have cut it back to its root.
i am not sure what the consensus is on titles being read as an integral part of the grammar of a poem, but personally i could live without it. i’d prefer to maybe keep the title but also use it as the first line, old school style.
the last stanza is a weak point. pointing out that something isn’t meant in a literal sense in a poem, of all things, seems a little bit redundant. better would be simply:

not joan of arch
but flames.

also, the em dashes are entirely superfluous.

[alonso ramoran]

I see you decided to cut a good chunk of the material you've originally wrote. Imo, the negatives of this revision outweighs the positives. I'll explain below

First revision I'm confused on why the capitalization of letters are inconsistent. Like in L1 "when" is lowercased, but in L5 "not" is spelled with a capital N. Also this version of the poem seems like one long drawn-out sentence that doesn't even sound complete, which disappointingly makes for a taxing read.

Sometimes God Speaks to Me


when I see someone I used to love—

or a ladybug lands on my hand this line sounds better than the original.
or a sparrow knocks at my window comparing this to the original sparrow line, it sounds like the bird has injured itself on your window, which I don't think matches that theme of being cheered up throughout the day by trivial things. In fact, this line kind of makes me chuckle because if I'm to refer back to the title "Sometimes God Speaks to Me", it does sounds like God is speaking to me, but he would be saying he hates me by having a bird fly into my window.
or I see rainbow beyond the highway— sounds better than the original.

Not Joan of Arc in a literal sense,
but flames. 

I get that you were probably trying to make this a tighter work, but I feel it came at the expense of quality.

~~~

Original

Sometimes God Speaks to Me

Not in a Joan of Arc literal sense, I feel as if you could start stronger here. I get that you're expanding o the thought of the title, but it's still missing something. "30 year old.... die back then" sounded like some pretty interesting lines. Maybe you could bump these thoughts a line or two up?
but when I am in the midst of
30 year old memories from fifth grade
and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—
or when I am trudging along my day
wishing I had enough time to do
what I wanted as well as what I needed— I can relate to this.
and when my ears turn red
and when I catch my tears with my cheeks
and when I see someone I used to love—

a ladybug lands in front of my hand or
a sparrow flits at my window or
a rainbow appears beyond the highway—

and I am reminded to smile. Heartwarming end.

Hope you end up with the poem you see fit! Cheers

[Knot]

Hi, DivineMsEmm,
nicely economical.
Some suggestions:
replace 'or' with 'when' (L2-4); to me it sounds better.
I agree with alexorande about 'knocks', 'taps' might work though.
Rework L4 to bring it in line with the rest (when a rainbow [....] beyond the highway).
I think you could rescue some more of the original.  Just an idea;
[or] when I remember the fifth grade
and wonder why I was so afraid to die
when I am [struggling through] my day
and wishing I had enough time
when I...
I think there's a power in the 'fifth grade' lines that is compelling.
I'm not too sure about the end.  Could you simplify it to:
Though not as he did to Joan of Arc. ?

Best, Knot.

[RiverNotch]

Sometimes God Speaks to Me


when I see someone I used to love—

or a ladybug lands on my hand
or a sparrow knocks at my window
or I see rainbow beyond the highway—

Not Joan of Arc in a literal sense,
but flames.

I absolutely love the brutality of cutting away more than half of the piece. The original had a very weak ending, and I sort of agree that the original's greatest merit was the Dickensonian nature-imagery of the current center strophe, but the fact that you've distilled it to (mostly) the Dickensonian nature-imagery makes the piece a mere shadow rather than something that attempts to be original. Not bad, per se -- in fact, I enjoy this quite a lot, especially the fire of the last stanza (and I am in favor of keeping "in a literal sense", as it emphasizes the brutal turn to the next line) -- but not anything particular. Maybe reincorporate some of the original's first-stanza-details, just to make the whole shine a bit more? But otherwise, enjoyed.

Sometimes God Speaks to Me

Not in a Joan of Arc literal sense,
but when I am in the midst of
30 year old memories from fifth grade
and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—
or when I am trudging along my day
wishing I had enough time to do
what I wanted as well as what I needed—
and when my ears turn red
and when I catch my tears with my cheeks
and when I see someone I used to love—

a ladybug lands in front of my hand or
a sparrow flits at my window or
a rainbow appears beyond the highway—

and I am reminded to smile.

[abstractconstriction]

I am torn here -- while I'm definitely a fan of cutting poems down to their root to be concise and effective, I think there are some qualities of the original that worked well and might be worth saving. The revised opening and ending lines of the poem are definitely stronger and provide great bookends to the images of the original poem (I too am a fan of "in a literal sense"). Also, I do think using the "or" statements provides a nicer flow. Perhaps this trend could be extended a bit longer with the "when" statements of the original for further detail.

"30 year old memories from fifth grade

and wondering why I was so afraid
to die back then—" ---> at the very least, in my opinion these lines are worth saving or rewording because they provide a good sense of time, context, and reflection to the piece. I think this would work very well in setting up your last lines of the revised version.