The Homeless Crisis (swear word!)

[Hannah]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
the man walks down the centuries
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.

[dukealien]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,  could the final comma be an em dash for a pause here?
the man walks down the centuries  could the second "the" be eliminated?
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.

This is quite good.  Description of the character is simple and direct, rhythm is satisfactory for free verse.  Some nice alliteration ("hides his secrets, his loose socks").  Repetition is used quite a bit ("billowing," "layers," "stories," "around him").  Not, perhaps, over-used, but you might consider changing some of them for variety ("strata" for one instance of "layers," for example).  Repetition of "billowing" is good - the image of passers-by fanning out from the stench - but can't help wondering if the first instance could be a bit more descriptive - the stench seeps or wafts, the people billow?

You could add another hiss ("God conceals his secrets, his loose socks"), eliminating "that" at the beginning of the line which otherwise leaves the reader wondering if it should be "where" instead.  And the last two lines could be simplified ("...perhaps less complicated/than we'd like to think") but this wouldn't sort well with the rest unless you pared them down similarly.

The title doesn't quite fit once you've read the whole thing, but is humorously apt otherwise (I'd call "shit" vulgarity rather than swearing, a technicality).

Thanks for sharing!  A good poem, and a good one for further work.

Layers and strata of clothing:  the bum's wisdom, "you can take off clothes you've got, but you can't put on clothes you haven't got" converges with the medieval sorcerer whose loose robe and long sleeves would conceal documents, powders, and potions.  Mainly, though, it showed the wizard didn't work for a living (can't push a plow or muck out the stable in that outfit!)

[Knot]

Hi Hannah,
enjoyed this. A solid draft with a clear narrative and a well drawn character and some strong images.

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
Not sure if you need this line at all.
the man walks down the centuries
I think this would make a more interesting opening.
Perhaps 'a' for 'the' ?
(Or something along the lines of
A man walks down the centuries,
sits in the street, burdened beneath
...)
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
perhaps 'beneath' for 'by' ?
Not a fan of the repetition of 'layers'.
Though you might consider
Burdened beneath layers of cloth, or memory
beneath layers of grime, of shit, of earth.
Not sure about 'grime' (as that would seem to be covered - as it were - by shit)
layers of grime and shit and earth,
like the idea of 'layers of earth'
all billowing out around him
don't think you need 'out' after billowing.
Perhaps 'about' for 'around' ? (to avoid the repetition)
like the people around him,
the repetition of 'him' is rather clunky.
billowing out to avoid his stench,
not convinced by the repletion of 'billowing',
perhaps 'rolling' or 'falling' away...
his touch, his gaze.
like the beat of stench/touch/gaze
(perhaps 'sight' for gaze - gives you a pun and continues the T sonic)
Would suggest a line break here.

And what stories are there
behind his outstretched hand
'in' for 'behind' ?
and his downcast eyes and his plea
'behind' for 'and his' ?
Don't think you need 'and' (before downcast)
For the sonics, I'd suggest 'entreaties' for 'plea'
for the quarters in your pocket?

He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
Just a suggestion:
He keeps his accounts, safe and stowed away,
in the same place that God hides
his secrets, his loose socks, [his] blueprints
and grand designs.
Which are, perhaps, not so complicated
[as we are led to believe]
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.
Nice ending.

Hope this is of some use

Best, Knot

[nibbed]

Hi Hanna, just a few things:


Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
the man walks down the centuries
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
[billowing] out to avoid his stench,                                                [maybe find another simile] since this was already used
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated                                         which are not
as we would like to think.


Interesting read. Thank you, Hanna.
I hope your day is filled with joy
and happiness.


-nibbed

[Hannah]

Haha, I wasn't sure what counts as swearing here, Dukealien, and thought I would just be safe

Thank you all for your critique!

[CRNDLSM]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
the man walks down the centuries
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps 

not so complicated

as we would like to think.

The last two lines killed the energy for me, the repetition and lines stacked together drive me to the end, I stumbled at he keeps his stories, thiugh the word is used once earlier, why not secrets, makes me feel paranoid and adds to the God complex of His secrets, a little more like there is a crisis.
  I split your ending up here because I think to appreciate the sentiment, I need to break, pause, to catch up to what seems like the main idea.   To nicely rounded out to be impactful if it is the point.

I liked it though

[Todd]

Hi Hannah,

I haven't read any of the comments so there might be some repetition.

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
the man walks down the centuries--consider reversing line 1 and 2. A statement makes a better opening than a list.
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,--I'm not sold on the repetition of layers or of the sequence of items. Layers in itself isn't bad as it reminds me of strata and plays off the "down the centuries" idea. I think you may want to move your diction closer to your imagery (burdened replaced by wrapped perhaps). For sequencing, you may want to move from physical to abstract (menaing end with memory). If you could cut the word layers down to one instance it might be stronger.
all billowing out around him--You don't need all
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand--you don't need "there"
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,--The God hides his secrets is a great line. I think you diminsh it with the socks part (it's not a bad idea in itself just steals the force from the line in this construction). 
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think--You start with the person and you end a little too soft to me. This is where you should probably concentrate your edit. The ending needs more oomph.

I do like the work. I hope the comments are helpful though.

Best,

Todd

[Persadia]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard, 
the man walks down the centuries
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory, 
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing [about] him   
like the people around him, 
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea 
for the quarters in your pocket? 
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place 
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks, 
his blueprints and his grand designs, 
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.

Hi Hannah,
I like the depth of this thought-provoking poem.  The first line did have me expecting more of a rhyming, sing-song poem, but when I got to L2, it was clear it wasn't.
I felt that 'billowing about' in L5 fits better with the image of being laden under the grime of the ages.
I agree with the other suggestions to change the last line to something like "as one would think".

Very well-written, interesting poem.  Thank you for sharing your writing with us.
Hope you enjoy a warm Thanksgiving.

[PondWater]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard,
the man walks down the centuries
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him,
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks,
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.

Hannah, I think the first line is fine as is. It introduces this mysterious character and hints at the whole god element. I like the theme it creates in me. Is it that god is like a homeless man, at the mercy of life, at the whim of somethings morals, but not without some desires, or is the homeless man a god, an all powerful force within in his own choices...? 
Maybe there is a freedom in simplicity....

[Mopkins]

Sage, shaman, wise man, wizard, (mmmm supers ssses and zzz's)
the man walks down the centuries (maybe 'this' replacing 'the'????)
burdened by layers of cloth, layers of memory,
layers of grime and shit and earth,
all billowing out around him
like the people around him, (to many arounds around maybe??? 'like the people in his path'????)
billowing out to avoid his stench,
his touch, his gaze. And what stories
are there behind his outstretched hand ('untold' replacing 'there' ?????)
and his downcast eyes and his plea
for the quarters in your pocket?
He keeps his stories. Keeps them hidden,
stowed away in the same place
that God hides his secrets, his loose socks, (super ssses again)
his blueprints and his grand designs,
which are perhaps not so complicated
as we would like to think.


neato liked it lots keep up the tempo ur on to it