Tightrope

[Yjack123]

Tightrope


I have shunned the white July sun and shivered in the unkind December.
I have known too well the hard ground and the bitter night.
I have learned, but there is only so much that can I remember.
Will I ever do things right?
 
I have attempted the long, straight and narrow.
I have prayed hard with bowed head on icy knees for kingdom come,
I have with hope fletched, drawn and loosed my crooked arrow.
My tortured truth is that I am not like some.
 
Reach for my heart with your sweet redemption,
But touch my soul with a 10 foot pole,
I have always been that one maddening exception,
As I perform my hard won but well cast chosen roll.
 
You are warned; I stand a confessed devil,
And when it counts I will show myself as Satan’s boy,
So much a noteworthy hour when I am on the level,
My wicked tongue, sharp and twitchy, is just his toy.
 
There are those who can walk the tightrope.
There are those, lithe and clever, who never fall.
When I am flying on that pipe smoke,
I am assured that I know it all.
 
Some do quite well upon that tightrope,
But there’s no balance in my soul.
I am flying on that good dope.
It seems the only peace I know.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Yjack123, I enjoy reading your poems for their rhythms and the ways it carries itself with the rhyming, but while the rhyming is not distracting in this poem, I feel like you let it hinder you from writing in the way you naturally speak.

Tightrope


I have shunned the white July sun and shivered in the unkind December. You've ignored the July sun? It's a fine description of the sun, but when put in context of a sentence that has no context, I'm left cold on the imagery as you'd be in the unkind December ;-)
I have known too well the hard ground and the bitter night. This line doesn't read naturally b/c of the rhyme. I wouldn't sacrifice sounding natural for a rhyme. Also, why is the night so bitter? In what way is it bitter? Obviously those nights experienced must've been bad, but what made them so bad?
I have learned, but there is only so much that can I remember. Learned what
Will I ever do things right? So this is what the narrator's struggle is. What has he been doing wrong?
 
I have attempted the long, straight and narrow. Long, straight, and narrow what? Tightrope, I'm assuming?
I have prayed hard with bowed head on icy knees for kingdom come,
I have with hope fletched, drawn and loosed my crooked arrow. I like how you describe hope as being the thing to carry a crooked arrow, which is fated to miss it's target.
My tortured truth is that I am not like some.
 
Reach for my heart with your sweet redemption,
But touch my soul with a 10 foot pole,
I have always been that one maddening exception,
As I perform my hard won but well cast chosen roll. This reads like a word salad, possibly for lack of punctuation, and beginning each line with capital letters doesn't seem to help the reader. Also this stanza seems to be the opportune moment for the narrator to reveal the reason he is not like some, and this being described as a "tortured truth" kind of hypes me up! But alas, I'm left knowing that it's just some hard earned role that separates you from the rest. Also, I think "role" is the word you're looking for.
 
You are warned; I stand a confessed devil,
And when it counts I will show myself as Satan’s boy,
So much a noteworthy hour when I am on the level,
My wicked tongue, sharp and twitchy, is just his toy.
 
There are those who can walk the tightrope.
There are those, lithe and clever, who never fall. Not enjoying the "There are those..." cuts.
When I am flying on that pipe smoke,
I am assured that I know it all.
 
Some do quite well upon that tightrope,
But there’s no balance in my soul.
I am flying on that good dope. I like the phrasing of this line. It has a sort of playful undertone
It seems the only peace I know.

[dedalus87]

Hi Yjack,

Thanks for posting! I thought the rhyming was good and the poem had a nice rhythm to it. However, there were too many lines that either led nowhere, or felt like non sequiturs. Also, for the most part it seems like you're going for an archaic feel to the poem, but occasionally you use certain words that don't fit in with this theme. I have some more specific comments below.

Tightrope


I have shunned the white July sun and shivered in the unkind December. This line is a bit long compared to the rest of the poem. Also, the imagery doesn’t make sense. The first part paints a picture of a recluse, shunning the sun in summer. But the second part doesn’t build on this or add to it. It just says I was cold in December.
I have known too well the hard ground and the bitter night.
I have learned, but there is only so much that can I remember. I don’t see the need for the strange grammar. “so much I can remember” sounds better to me.
Will I ever do things right? This is too vague. We don’t know what “things” the speaker is referring to; it just reads like a generic lament.
 
I have attempted the long, straight and narrow.
I have prayed hard with bowed head on icy knees for kingdom come,
I have with hope fletched, drawn and loosed my crooked arrow.
My tortured truth is that I am not like some.
 
Reach for my heart with your sweet redemption,
But touch my soul with a 10 foot pole, Again, the imagery doesn’t make sense to me. The speaker wants me to reach for his heart, but not touch his soul? If this is supposed to suggest some sort of paradox, where he both wants and doesn’t want to be reach out to, it should be expanded.
I have always been that one maddening exception,
As I perform my hard won but well cast chosen roll. Role instead of roll. “my hard won but well cast chosen” is clunky and should be reworded.
 
You are warned; I stand a confessed devil,
And when it counts I will show myself as Satan’s boy,
So much a noteworthy hour when I am on the level,
My wicked tongue, sharp and twitchy, is just his toy.
The imagery up until here has been sober and chilling. At best, having “Satan’s boy” rhyme with “toy” can create some sort of comic effect, but that only undermines the rest of the poem.
 
There are those who can walk the tightrope.
There are those, lithe and clever, who never fall.
When I am flying on that pipe smoke, This slant rhyme comes out of nowhere. Up to this point all rhymes where true
I am assured that I know it all.
 
Some do quite well upon that tightrope,
But there’s no balance in my soul.
I am flying on that good dope. The word dope sounds wrong to me. It doesn’t work well with the archaic feel of the rest of the poem.
It seems the only peace I know. Slant rhyme

[illya_v]

Hi YJack123, this poem drew me in because I relate to it to a degree. When I read the 2nd line I guessed it’s about addiction and sure enough it turned out to be. The next two lines reminded me of the theory that addictions are a thinking disease and although they are biological to an extent (genetic predispositions), addicts more so decide to continue using/ drinking through cognitive dissonance and other forms of denial and justification. I suggest revising lines 3 and 4 to make either denial or justification clearer; express what you know is right and an your inability to do what’s right.
 
The last line in the 2nd stanza could be strengthened in the same way, by expressing what causes the repeated choice that sets you apart from others… 'regular’ or ‘normal’ people.
 
I agree with the previous critiquer that the 3rd stanza seems to be a paradox, and it’s kind of understandable to me because the poem is a bit of a paradox as a whole in that you know what’s better for you but you’re more comfortable or at “peace” being high. The stanza also reminds me of spiritual or religious help often used in recovery programs. I envision someone accepting 12-step work and being born again and allowing social connection and compassion temporarily, on the surface, but deep in the “soul” they are disconnected from genuine belief and community and “Satan’s” “dope” feeds and sustains this disconnection. I think the last line of the stanza should be re-worked a bit, or re-work it and the line above it to more clearly explain the “heart” and “soul” lines.
 
The 4th stanza is unabashed and understandable—and quite eerie. The 5th and 6th stanzas seem like they can be switched around for effect. In the earlier line “My wicked tongue, sharp and twitchy, is just his toy,” you allude to not having full control over your thoughts, statements and actions. The distorted reality clouds your perceptions and judgment, so those you perceive as functioning relatively responsibly or normally while on the “tightrope” may not be as balanced as they seem and look. Lastly, I rearranged the lines just to see how meaning can be played with, especially ending the poem with assurance of others’ addiction management through the eyes of an addict. Very nice poem, good luck with revisions.
 
There are those who can walk the tightrope,
But there’s no balance in my soul.
When I am flying on that pipe smoke,
It seems the only peace I know.
 
Some do quite well upon that tightrope,
There are those, lithe and clever, who never fall.
When I am flying on that good dope.
I am assured that I know it all.