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creek cascades,
overflowing pools—
endless beginnings
____
Thanks all. Regarding the title, I thought haikus didn't have titles so I created one to try to express the haiku. Comments were helpful, especially the suggestion to omit "down," in retrospect that was a glaring oddity.
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Surpsriingly effective last line. Love it.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(10-18-2017, 12:56 PM)illya_v Wrote: creek cascades down,
pooling and overflowing—
endless beginnings
Interesting poem, the title makes this less about the image and more about the metaphor.
It's a tight piece. I like the alliteration of the first two words but even though it isn't as much about the image (at least from my initial interpretation), I do like how you chose water which is clear and then put it in motion to maybe represent inspiration--a type of creative overflow. I also liked how you used the emdash to set off the final line.
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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maybe i read this too scientifically, but... as nice as the meat of the poem is, i don't see any of the "recurrence" of the title, not unless you consider the (extratextual) water cycle. with as specific a point of view as "creek cascading down / pooling and overflowing", the water's unidirectional flow doesn't show "recurrence", and "endless beginnings" doesn't imply a beginning that occurs over and over again, especially if you ask anyone of an Abrahamic mindset. so yeah, i'm bothered by the title -- i think, as some sort of metaphor or whatever, it fails -- but otherwise it's good.
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(10-18-2017, 12:56 PM)illya_v Wrote: creek cascades down,
pooling and overflowing—
endless beginnings
You might consider "overflowing pools" or "overflow pooling", something to avoid the two "ing"s in a row.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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I like the image the filling and emptying pools constantly reocurring always freshly topped up and the end line sits perfect in the water cycle, or any other cycle for that matter. I like ella's suggested edit of overflowing pools and not a fan of 'down' we know which way water flows and it extends the line without adding. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
