Your concise wording works very well here in setting up specific imagery. Your analogies to the stillness of nature appropriately convey a sense of quiet contemplation, with the last two lines providing a nice reflective conclusion that ties back to the restlessness we expect from the title.
My only suggestion here would be to potentially add to this overall push and pull of quiet/disquiet through experimenting with line breaks. This could be useful in slowing down the first half of the poem, which could contrast well with the second half as it is (where you introduce more rushed action gestures such as shifting).
Todd,
much smoother for the revision, I think (though I'd question the comma after 'insomniacs').
My only crit would be that the second stanza seems to be missing a third line,
the thought feels/reads as unresolved - though given that you could argue
that they are waiting on a breeze, that may be intentional.
For me still air replicates unblown, sorry but I prefer the original, I can see why you went for that line because it is the weakest line in the revision. To be honest I loved this the first time I read it, I think it was a NaPo originally but not sure, any way the only nit I really have is use of stationary, I don't understand why you use this after unblown because they are saying the same thing, at first I thought you meant paper stationary, but clearly that's not the case. I like the work you've done on the line breaks from a readers point of view but I think merging the lines from the original split stanza has weakened the stand out images you had, and the poem needed that. Sorry if this a bit jumbled but hope it comes across. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Keith, good call out on stationary. Unblown is new and made stationary redundant. I'll have to give deeper thought to your structural concerns and how the current structure may rob the piece of vibrancy.
Hey Todd,
I think you have some wonderful images in this poem. However, I find I preferred the original. I'll go into more detail below:
(10-19-2017, 06:48 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 2
The wild trees, bare of leaves, -I get the feeling that you played around with the structure between the edits so that the insomniacs image could be presented to the reader sooner. It is an important image in the poem, so I understand. Why not start with, "Like fellow insomniacs/the wild trees, bare of leaves..." and then the third line could be something that extends the metaphor. Just a thought.
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest. -I would suggest attaching this line back to the imagery in the next stanza.
Flowers glint in the still air, -I would recommend merging this and the next line back into something similar to the second line the original version. Just describing the flowers as "unblown pinwheels" works for me.
unblown pinwheels
as dew sizzles on the long grass. -I love the wording and imagery in this line. The wording, "dew sizzles" is the type of image that can't help but make an impression.
I shift in the dirt from foot to foot,
knowing the end
will be nothing like this. -I quite like the ending of this poem. I preferred the enjambment in the original just because it gave the ending greater emphasis in my opinion. However, I still like the ending in this version too.
Revision
The wild trees, bare of leaves,
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest.
The flowers still in the heavy air,
unblown, stationary pinwheels.
I shift in the dirt from foot to foot,
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.
Original
Under the dry light of the forest,
flowers are unblown, stationary pinwheels.
The wild trees, bare of leaves,
seem like fellow insomniacs.
I stand in the dirt shifting
from foot to foot,
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.
As always, I enjoyed reading your work. I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.
Keith and Richard, I appreciate the comments and the perspective. I think I solved some of the issues. Let me know if this works well. It feels right (at least a forward step) but I've been wrong before.
Bare of leaves, the wild trees
stretch like fellow insomniacs.
Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.
Under the dry light, flowers glint
in the still air, unblown pinwheels.
I shift in the dirt
from foot to foot,
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.
Revision 3 is by far the best. You've made good changes while preserving the last lines. The sizzling dew is almost foreboding.
My question is whether you can name a specific kind of flower, kind of tree, variety of grass that would give a crisper visual? You have "long grass," but that could just be generic unmowed lawn grass or it could be ornamental grasses, beach grass, etc.
Todd
I agree with Lizzie about the improvements this revision brings,
but it does raise the issue of the (I assume) unintended rhymes
in the first two couplets. And again, following Lizzie, naming
the plants (even only the trees) would solve this issue.
Would suggest:
Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.
[F]lowers glint [u]nder the dry light,
unblown pinwheels, in the still air.
It reads rather like an impression/description of a landscape enduring a drought ,
which I like but can't square with the title.
10-20-2017, 10:46 PM (This post was last modified: 10-20-2017, 10:48 PM by Todd.)
Hi Lizzie and Knot,
I hadn't even noticed the slight rhyme (so yes definitely unintentional). I did have specifics in mind, and normally that's the way to go with most writing, I just don't want to get too specific and turn this into a botany exercise (which I know neither of you is suggesting). For the trees, I was simply thinking of the deciduous ones that drop their leaves like the oak. "oaks" would be a reasonable substitute. The flowers I have in view have a too technical name and I don't want to drive people to google--so, I'll try oaks but leave flowers as flowers. Know your reverse of the unblown pinwheels sounds better to my ear--let me think on it a bit (I might go that way).
Thanks both,
Todd
(so I'll change trees to oaks--not worth a full revision). Other ideas are being considered.
Good to hear. Thanks, Knot. It feels like I'm inching my way to completion.
If I were to change long grass and flowers to something else (and I'm not sure honestly), I'd lean toward "sedge grass" and "periwinkles"--though I'm not sure the speaker would think that deliberately. Mulling it over.
(10-21-2017, 12:52 AM)Todd Wrote: Good to hear. Thanks, Knot. It feels like I'm inching my way to completion.
If I were to change long grass and flowers to something else (and I'm not sure honestly), I'd lean toward "sedge grass" and "periwinkles"--though I'm not sure the speaker would think that deliberately. Mulling it over.
My impetus for making the comment was that often flowers carry symbolic meanings and connotations. For instance, lilies are associated with funerals.
And perhaps the long grass was alfalfa. It would have the effect of establishing place which would allow you to then build on the imagery of a field. An ornamental grass could evoke suburbia. Etc.
Because you indicated long grass specifically, that makes me think: was the lawn un-mowed? So, then I wonder: is there an implication of neglect? Or maybe the speaker is trying to invoke age? Or the march of entropy? Since there's some ambiguity in the last lines, I'm going to look to the details for clues.
Ultimately, I'm not sure how much the facts matter, as long as you don't choose a grass/flower that wouldn't grow in the same climate as oaks.
I'm thinking now that this might be entirely too much hassle, but I just wanted to clarify my thought process.
