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virtual
ground is lost so easy in this stream,
this lucid dream is keeping me awake.
sleep is like defeat, as it reminds
of unwarmed beds and warmed up meals.
i swallow but the bitter taste
won´t dissappear.
the spider world keeps pulling
through the monitor.
no use to touch the screen,
it can´t be reached.
the other side
i hide is mine.
my virtual waste, all poured in space,
but though i have unlocked the den
the thieves have stayed
with me, here in the real world.
another unreal day.
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(11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: virtual
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.
Throughout most of this you seem to be overwriting in an attempt at end rhyme. This causes a couple problems. First, the grammatical structures are twisted into awkward, sometimes unparsable phrasing. Second, you really want to cut to the bones in poetry - try to say much with little, and instead you are padding it out exorbitantly. And, finally, your rhyme is not supported properly with meter. Non-metric rhyme causes an unpleasant dischord in the music of poetry. I would suggest you try some of the practice examples for rhyming form before forcing rhyme into your poetry.
Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English. Same with "no use to touch the screen none to inquire".
Thanks for posting.
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(11-24-2014, 03:31 AM)milo Wrote: (11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: virtual
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.
Throughout most of this you seem to be overwriting in an attempt at end rhyme. This causes a couple problems. First, the grammatical structures are twisted into awkward, sometimes unparsable phrasing. Second, you really want to cut to the bones in poetry - try to say much with little, and instead you are padding it out exorbitantly. And, finally, your rhyme is not supported properly with meter. Non-metric rhyme causes an unpleasant dischord in the music of poetry. I would suggest you try some of the practice examples for rhyming form before forcing rhyme into your poetry.
Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English.
even when I want to refer to the internet?
Same with "no use to touch the screen none to inquire".
Thanks for posting.
thanks for your crit. I think about some changes
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(11-24-2014, 03:37 AM)vagabond Wrote: (11-24-2014, 03:31 AM)milo Wrote: (11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: virtual
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.
Throughout most of this you seem to be overwriting in an attempt at end rhyme. This causes a couple problems. First, the grammatical structures are twisted into awkward, sometimes unparsable phrasing. Second, you really want to cut to the bones in poetry - try to say much with little, and instead you are padding it out exorbitantly. And, finally, your rhyme is not supported properly with meter. Non-metric rhyme causes an unpleasant dischord in the music of poetry. I would suggest you try some of the practice examples for rhyming form before forcing rhyme into your poetry.
Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English.
even when I want to refer to the internet?
Same with "no use to touch the screen none to inquire".
Thanks for posting.
thanks for your crit. I think about some changes I wouldn't use aabb or whatever for your rhyme scheme. Stuff on electracy, if that's what you want to call it, seems hot though. Web could express the metaphor much more tersely. If you use the word virtual there's a lot of potential and polysemy and what not.
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(11-24-2014, 03:37 AM)vagabond Wrote: Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English.
even when I want to refer to the internet?
it is a little like calling a cat "four legged feline animal that meows and purrs"
just mercedes
Unregistered
I find this very interesting; as a subject for poetry the web is a huge playground, yet poets are keeping quiet on the subject. Like cheese. Poets don't have much to say about cheese.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/23/books/...d=fb-share
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(11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: virtual
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.
____________________________________________
maybe depressive bullshit. I am thankful for every critic.
furthermore those lines were slightly inspired by another poem posted here, hope that´s not copyright infringement.
"tractor beams" makes me think about an old Star Trek episode. I know you're trying to be a bit "futuristic" or something, but using a term from a 60's show puts me in a bad mood to start with. "Den of thieves" is Biblical. You span centuries in a matter of five lines. Too much for me. The last stanza makes me think you're stuck in a bad Poetry forum or something and can't get out 
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Nice title for the poem.
The mood of the poem was a little hard for me to with. You focused on end rhymes, left out the parts of the lines which is what disturbed the flow of your poem.
Your poem is short quick to read but such poems need good meter. Maybe a little editing of the lines would balance your poem up.
For someone like me not much evolved with the virtue world. some words like Tractor beam or how you seem to fall deep in this flickering monitor were a little hard to grasp. But sounds like a good poem overall. Thanks
I really like the den of thieves reference. I was not familiar with the book at first (as long as that was what you were referring to) but after some research, I felt like the reference fit in well. I agree with some of the below comments that the end rhyme you incorporated felt somewhat forced. I also was not too sure about the line "swallowing the toxins of this revelation". I don't really understand what the "revelation" that you are referring to is. Is it that the internet is not reality or that you are so dependent on it? I'm not exactly grasping what the specific revelation was. Maybe that was intentional though, just something to consider 
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thanks for all critics and interpretations.
liz11, you´re right, i meant it´s toxic to realize having trapped oneself but still not being able to let go.
the poem is an exaggeration, but sometimes I slightly feel that way.
Hi 71degrees!
if it looks as if I were trying to be futuristic, thats unwillingly.
"THe last stanza makes me think you´re stuck in a bad Poetry forum or something and can´t get out undefined"
You tell me. I don´t mind.
But you´re right, I am not so well with the last lines myself.
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(11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: virtual
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere Obviously the interwebs
as I stare into a flickering monitor. I think you should replace 'flickering' with a more descriptive synonym.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire. the rhyme was okay, but the language choice made it seem forced.
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam? again, 'trapped' seems too dull a verb. Crack open that thesaurus!
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream, liked this line.
paralysed by longing or by desperation, cut the second 'by'
swallowing the toxins of this revelation. cut 'this'
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.'free' doesn't seem appropriate, maybe replace with "loose"?
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste, replace 'pour' with "spew".. or something more lively but more to your liking.
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day. okay rhyme, yet once again the language of the last two lines made it seem clumsy and forced.
edit.
I am not here but could be anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen or to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
To lose the ground is easy in this stream.
It only seems controlled, this lucid dream.
I´m paralysed by longing or by desperation
and swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
Unlock the den of thieves in cyberspace,
and pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world. Another unreal day.
____________________________________________
maybe depressive bullshit. I am thankful for every critic.
furthermore those lines were slightly inspired by another poem posted here, hope that´s not copyright infringement.
Overall, the idea and subject matter of this piece was interesting, yet your forced rhymes and borderline cliche way of expressing them lacked vitality. I suggest rewording some of lines containing rhymes, so they read less forced. I also found that you could heighten the poem's descriptive language with interesting synonyms and jarring verbs. Kudos for trying to tackle a meaty subject. Keep at it.
Azure
cliche my forte
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This is not a subject that is used often in poetry it was cool to say someone try it. The edit was much better then the first tie around, especially the first sentence. Sometimes when writing poetry we try to write to much lie a poem "should" be and not as it wants to naturally be brought to the world....food for thought.
Good job
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I quite liked this - but I found it a "thick" read which demands concentration from the reader.
I think it would benefit from a few shorter (maybe even one word) lines to break it up.
Seems almost too structured for the subject matter.
Isn't that kind of the way the internet works - in bursts of data?
Just a thought
Nice work!
Paul
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Hello vagabond. I have some thoughts for you on the revision.
(11-24-2014, 03:18 AM)vagabond Wrote: edit.
I am not here but could be anywhere -- but the body is still in the "real", yes? So, it's a matter of split being, not moving whole into one reality or another. Also, try to stay away from too many static/being verbs, like ' could be.' It doesn't move the action forward. Example: you could say, 'My body is trapped , but I could fly anywhere.' (Just thinking 'fly' because of the spider web image, which I realize you cut, so take it for what it's worth -- it's just an example).
as I stare into a flickering monitor. -- is "flickering" important to the storyline? Make every word count, because poetry is all about maximum meaning through minimal speech.
No use to touch the screen or to inquire -- 'no use touching the screen or inquiring' -- fewer words and avoids the repetition of "to."
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire. -- I don't technology very well, but wouldn't the end be in someone else's computer?  I don't understand where a wire comes in except a home computer plugging into a phone jack...I hope I'm right about this.  Anyway, with so much being wireless these days, I'd take another look at this line. What I do like very much is the idea of disconnection from others -- all that's viscerally real is ourselves. The "no use" tugs at the heartstrings with its hopelessness and resignation. 
To lose the ground is easy in this stream. -- Even though this switches the imagery to the natural world with "ground" and "stream," I like it. For me, it's a good contrast. It's like being swept away in a flood.
It only seems controlled, this lucid dream. -- I don't think you need, "only." I'm wanting a continuation of the stream imagery. And controlled by who? Seems like we're getting into conspiracy theory territory.
I´m paralysed by longing or by desperation -- here's where the piece starts to go off the rails for me. I totally get the emotion behind the piece, but it's not engaging for the reader to have everything spelled out this way. Your imagery/metaphor needs to do this work for you. I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but it's important: the reader needs to be shown, not told.
and swallowing the toxins of this revelation. -- so, the paralysis and toxin seem related to the spider web imagery which you abandoned. So, I'd either bring the spider back or re-word these last two lines.
Unlock the den of thieves in cyberspace, -- I have no idea what this line means. It's also unclear to me who is being addressed (since "unlock" used in this way is a command).
and pour my feelings out among the virtual waste, -- "feelings" is too generic -- needs some clarifying. And, what virtual waste? What does the waste consist of? The reader is left to wonder.
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world. Another unreal day. -- In the previous version you didn't have a period in the middle. I don't see the point of breaking up the sentence since "another unreal day" then becomes a fragment. Also, I think you can do better than "unreal." There are so many adjectives that will contrast nicely with real.
It has a Matrixey kind of feel with the computerized vs. organic world. The idea that I like most here is the inability of the speaker to know for sure what's on the other end of the virtual connection, leaving the speaker in a world that is effectively just self, self, self. And more self. This is a hardship for someone who loses bits of self-identity without the co-creation of shared reality that exists between two flesh and blood people. God, I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, I think you have plenty of options for imagery and metaphor -- I'd say just work on clarity and pulling in the reader by showing concepts with concrete details.
I hope this is not overwhelming. All the best to you in your poetic endeavors. 
Lizzie
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thanks a lot for your comment, lizzie.
wrote this a while ago and it seems strange now.
the edit probably didn´t make it a lot clearer but hopefully less clichéd.
I ll try to make it clearer but at the moment lack ideas how.
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