A Night In ICU When Mother Is Dying

[71degrees]

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young
and living among the dead.

[vagabond]

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black      
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.          i don´t see why this line is so enhanced

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken           maybe leave out "in room 627" the stanza is clear enough and it would leave more attention to "all but one line has been taken out". i think the enjambment is unnecessary.
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks              this makes it seem as if the pens clicking made the head sink (i think you could leave it out, and focus on the description
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.

maybe it would help a little if they would appear depressed and commiserating.
imagine doing that for a whole work life.
no easy solution to that contradiction.

i like the poem though i think the title is too obvious.

[Achebe]

‘Among a floor of the soon dead’ is implied in the title and in the snow angel’s head.
The ‘soon’, especially, makes it feel dumbed down a bit too much.
I’d prefer something hyperbolic, like ‘on the floor of the dead’ or a line break device such as

proud and confident, young
and living.

Keep searching. Great poem, otherwise.

[Richard]

Hey 71degrees,
I like the overall idea here. I do have some thoughts though:

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers. -The wording "waltz in" bothers me. It is almost cliched, but it works with your metaphor. I would suggest changing it to "enter".
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart. -I'm not sure about this spacing choice, but I do love the way the nurse and doctor are described here. The word "Adorned" in particular carries a lot of weight in suggesting how the speaker feels about them.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour -I like the line breaks here. It emphasizes all the right words.
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel -I quite like this simile. It is a sad, but beautiful way to describe someone dying.

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors— -I would suggest ending on the "closed doors". I think it is a suitable image to end with.

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead. -I agree with Achebe that this isn't the strongest last line, but I think you need the info in the second last line. I'm going to make a suggestion that your last two stanzas should be combined and read something like this:

Proud and confident, young and living,
the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors.
It doesn't have to be exactly like this, but I think you get my point.

There is a lot to like here, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[71degrees]

‘Among a floor of the soon dead’ is implied in the title and in the snow angel’s head.
The ‘soon’, especially, makes it feel dumbed down a bit too much.
I’d prefer something hyperbolic, like ‘on the floor of the dead’ or a line break device such as

proud  and confident, young
and living.

Keep searching. Great poem, otherwise.

Out of all the comments here, I liked yours. Made a couple of minor edits. Thanks.

71degrees

---

Hey 71degrees,
I like the overall idea here. I do have some thoughts though:

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers. -The wording "waltz in" bothers me. It is almost cliched, but it works with your metaphor. I would suggest changing it to "enter".
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart. -I'm not sure about this spacing choice, but I do love the way the nurse and doctor are described here. The word "Adorned" in particular carries a lot of weight in suggesting how the speaker feels about them.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour -I like the line breaks here. It emphasizes all the right words.
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel -I quite like this simile. It is a sad, but beautiful way to describe someone dying.

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors— -I would suggest ending on the "closed doors". I think it is a suitable image to end with.

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead. -I agree with Achebe that this isn't the strongest last line, but I think you need the info in the second last line. I'm going to make a suggestion that your last two stanzas should be combined and read something like this:

Proud and confident, young and living,
the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors.
It doesn't have to be exactly like this, but I think you get my point.

There is a lot to like here, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Thanks for looking in, Richard. Made a couple of minor nit fixes at the end. Appreciate all your thoughts.

Cheers to you, 71 degrees

---

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black      
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.          i don´t see why this line is so enhanced

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken           maybe leave out "in room 627" the stanza is clear enough and it would leave more attention to "all but one line has been taken out". i think the enjambment is unnecessary.
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks              this makes it seem as if the pens clicking made the head sink (i think you could leave it out, and focus on the description
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.

maybe it would help a little if they would appear depressed and commiserating.
imagine doing that for a whole work life.
no easy solution to that contradiction.

i like the poem though i think the title is too obvious.

I agree titles are a dime a dozen. I will probably try for something a bit more enhanced when it's time. Thanks. The "platinum" line is enhanced b/c of the musical connotation of them dancing. Platinum record kind of thingee. Maybe that's not coming across (ha/ha). But I like it. The "pens clicking" also adds to the musicality of the piece. It's all choreographed on a hospital floor. The "dance of death" or something like that. The beeps of the machine (almost put that in), the clicks of the pens, the shoes on the floor, etc.

Read it again in this vein.

Thanks for all your comments. Appreciate it.

71degrees

[Knot]

Hi 71degrees

A far door swings open and a doctor
Not convinced by 'a far door' (how many are there?), nor the line break on 'doctor'
(though you could perhaps get away with 'the far door')
Is it the opening door that draws the attention or who enters?
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
I like the idea of synchronized (though it suggests a very wide door if they could enter together, rather than on after the other), but the combination of both waltz and dancers seems too much. You could perhaps keep waltz and have the doctor 'leading' (or vice versa).
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

each carries a platinum chart.
I think, after synchronized, you should describe the similarities first, then the differences, ending on their silence.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
I like the detail, but you could add 'her room';
in her room, no.627, [all lines but one
have been taken out]
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour.
again, good detail, but not enough of it (for me). How is the morphine administered? By machine or by hand?
Plastic pens click,
this seems to almost read as an afterthought from S1 (though you could end the stanza with it as it would better set up S3)
a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel
'fallen snow angel' is very sentimental (also, isn't it what remains after the body that made it has left?)


I think you could reprise the opening line, or a version thereof, as in;
The far door closes,
they...
the two of them
two-step quickly down
'two-step' implies 'quickly (I think) and it seem odd after 'waltz'
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.
I'm not sure you need 'proud and confident', and 'soon dead' (rather than simply 'dying') seems to be trying too hard.

Given the title I don't think you have the balance quite right yet between the 'night in the ICU' component' (which I think is the more successful element) and 'Mother is dying' (which, in contrast, seems underwritten).


Best, Knot

[71degrees]

Hi 71degrees

A far door swings open and a doctor
Not convinced by 'a far door' (how many are there?), nor the line break on 'doctor'
(though you could perhaps get away with 'the far door')
Is it the opening door that draws the attention or who enters?
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
I like the idea of synchronized (though it suggests a very wide door if they could enter together, rather than on after the other), but the combination of both waltz and dancers seems too much. You could perhaps keep waltz and have the doctor 'leading' (or vice versa).
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

each carries a platinum chart.
I think, after synchronized, you should describe the similarities first, then the differences, ending on their silence.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
I like the detail, but you could add 'her room';
in her room, no.627, [all lines but one
have been taken out]
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour.
again, good detail, but not enough of it (for me). How is the morphine administered? By machine or by hand?
Plastic pens click,
this seems to almost read as an afterthought from S1 (though you could end the stanza with it as it would better set up S3)
a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel
'fallen snow angel' is very sentimental (also, isn't it what remains after the body that made it has left?)


I think you could reprise the opening line, or a version thereof, as in;
The far door closes,
they...
the two of them
two-step quickly down
'two-step' implies 'quickly (I think) and it seem odd after 'waltz'
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.
I'm not sure you need 'proud and confident', and 'soon dead' (rather than simply 'dying') seems to be trying too hard.

Given the title I don't think you have the balance quite right yet between the 'night in the ICU' component' (which I think is the more successful element) and 'Mother is dying' (which, in contrast, seems underwritten).


Best, Knot

An ICU floor has a million doors, Knot. They both came through the wide, far door at the end of the hallway. Also, the poem really isn't about the mom dying but more so the "dancing" of the doctor and nurse. Kind of like synchronized swimmers. Or something like that. Thanks for the comments.

[Knot]

OK 71degrees, got it .
My issue with the door was that you hadn't said where it was (was it a double door?)
- the title led my to think it was the door to 'Mother's' room - but if you open with
At the end of the hallway, the door... (or similar)
then it would make things a lot clearer.
For a more firmer push in the direction you want the reader to go perhaps re-title as
Night Dance in the ICU
(I was getting elements of Astaire/Rogers rather than swimmers).  

Best, Knot.

[71degrees]

OK 71degrees, got it .
My issue with the door was that you hadn't said where it was (was it a double door?)
- the title led my to think it was the door to 'Mother's' room - but if you open with
At the end of the hallway, the door... (or similar)
then it would make things a lot clearer.
For a more firmer push in the direction you want the reader to go perhaps re-title as
Night Dance in the ICU
(I was getting elements of Astaire/Rogers rather than swimmers).  

Best, Knot.

If you are getting Fred & Ginger, I know this is working. Thank you. I will revisit the "door" issue.

[vagabond]

...
The "pens clicking" also adds to the musicality of the piece. It's all choreographed on a hospital floor. The "dance of death" or something like that. The beeps of the machine (almost put that in), the clicks of the pens, the shoes on the floor, etc.

Read it again in this vein.

can´t read it this way with the title saying "mother is dying".
the first two lines of the second stanza also don´t work if i read it that way, seems they´re too personal and serious to fit into a dance of death. almost as if it belonged to another poem.

[71degrees]

...
The "pens clicking" also adds to the musicality of the piece. It's all choreographed on a hospital floor. The "dance of death" or something like that. The beeps of the machine (almost put that in), the clicks of the pens, the shoes on the floor, etc.

Read it again in this vein.

can´t read it this way with the title saying "mother is dying".
the first two lines of the second stanza also don´t work if i read it that way, seems they´re too personal and serious to fit into a dance of death. almost as if it belonged to another poem.

I'll re-title it. Seems all you need for things to work.

Thanks for the comments.

[vagabond]

...
The "pens clicking" also adds to the musicality of the piece. It's all choreographed on a hospital floor. The "dance of death" or something like that. The beeps of the machine (almost put that in), the clicks of the pens, the shoes on the floor, etc.

Read it again in this vein.

can´t read it this way with the title saying "mother is dying".
the first two lines of the second stanza also don´t work if i read it that way, seems they´re too personal and serious to fit into a dance of death. almost as if it belonged to another poem.

I'll re-title it.  Seems all you need for things to work.

Thanks for the comments.

you should not re-title it to "work for me".

[nibbed]

Hi, 71 degrees. The title is rather sad no matter how it is read, but sets the stage.
I wonder why mother is like a fallen snow angel. Is it fallen snow or fallen angel?
A doctor AND A nurse starts the poem out with a joke-like cadence, or resembling
the beginning of a joke.


A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.                               - didn't think of anything but how the chart is valuable or symbolizes wealth.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks                                  -clicking pens is good metaphor
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young                                                        - proud and confident of what? a cure I hope, not the wealth of a platinum chart...
and living among the dead.                                                                                     


though I am not sure how the chart business goes in hospitals or hospice nowadays,
I am glad to read there are physical hard copy charts and folks aren't relying on just
computerized junk.

all the best to you

nibbed <3

[71degrees]

Hi, 71 degrees. The title is rather sad no matter how it is read, but sets the stage.
I wonder why mother is like a fallen snow angel. Is it fallen snow or fallen angel?
A doctor AND A nurse starts the poem out with a joke-like cadence, or resembling
the beginning of a joke.


A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.                               - didn't think of anything but how the chart is valuable or symbolizes wealth.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks                                  -clicking pens is good metaphor
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young                                                        - proud and confident of what? a cure I hope, not the wealth of a platinum chart...
and living among the dead.                                                                                     


though I am not sure how the chart business goes in hospitals or hospice nowadays,
I am glad to read there are physical hard copy charts and folks aren't relying on just
computerized junk.

all the best to you

nibbed <3

google "snow angel"...it's a real thing in a snow climate / need to think harder on "platinum" / glad you liked the "clicking pens" / "young and living" follows "proud and confident"...when you're older you'll understand / Thanks for the comments but not sure how any of them help to improve the poem

---

can´t read it this way with the title saying "mother is dying".
the first two lines of the second stanza also don´t work if i read it that way, seems they´re too personal and serious to fit into a dance of death. almost as if it belonged to another poem.

I'll re-title it.  Seems all you need for things to work.

Thanks for the comments.

you should not re-title it to "work for me".

I won't. I like it.