A Softening of Bitter Season

[nibbed]

A special thanks to Alexorande, Knot, and Lizzie for helping me with my poem. Thanks Lizzie for pulling her out of the attic for me. I'm afraid I'm stuck in this form of stocky stanzas, perhaps it will click and one day I can escape. I am pleased with the final, though. -nibbed



final revision


A Softening of Bitter Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.

Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots,
who gather crowds of crowns
bursting silken gold.

Strong stalks tiptoe and stretch,
searching for the warmth
of generous Light

as a toasty kitchen hints
her well proven stove
done in woodsiest wafts, 
yesterday's porridge,

while well worn woolens find
revivals of fluff:

simple preparations
for a full surrender
to this blasted winter.





1st Revision

Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:

desk and hearth
welcome their easy pots,
holding for themselves
crowds of silken
bursting crowns

whose stalks
tiptoe and stretch, searching
for generous sun;

kitchen hints
a proven stove
done in wafts 
of yesterday's porridge

while well worn woolens 
find revivals in fluff:

early preparations
to the full surrender
of winter.






original
Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:

desk and hearth
welcome such easy pots,
their crowds of weary crown
and toughened stem
now tiptoe and stretch
to a sun they cannot find. 

A proven stove
warms yesterday's porridge,
while well worn woolens 
find revivals in fluff;

all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi nibbed, some thoughts

Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums I did some research on the use of mum here and I think it's short for the plant chrysanthemum? If it is, this whole stanza starts the poem pretty strong. The first line is pretty catchy in a way and yet evocative of the change of seasons.
enter sanctuary's warmth:

desk and hearth 
welcome such easy pots, I don't feel like "such" is necessary here
their crowds of weary crown I'm guessing you mean their flower pedals? Maybe other metaphors can be explored besides a weary crown.
and toughened stem A better adjective could be used in place of toughened, but that's just me.
now tiptoe and stretch Tiptoe? The image of a blooming flower tiptoeing towards a sun doesn't go over well for me. Also, I usually think of someone snooping around when I think of someone tiptoeing.  
to a sun they cannot find. 

A proven stove
warms yesterday's porridge,
while well worn woolens Like the w's here.
find revivals in fluff;

all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.

This is a pretty solid first draft overall. The feelings of winter's coming arrival is nearly spot-on, just needs a few tweaks imo.

Best, Alex

[nibbed]

Alex, Thanks for the thoughtful critique.
I was wondering about that "such".
I am thinking about changing the adjective for crowns, too,
make it more fitting to what I see.
The chrysanthemums appear to be tiptoeing, they are standing
so tall to reach, not relaxed and easy as before in the warm sun.
I will have to consider all you have critiqued!
Thanks again!

nibbed

[Knot]

Hi Nibbed,
liked the title, reads like an invitation, and 'porch mums' (new phrase to me).


Pumpkins lose neighbours
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:
I wonder if you've got these lines the wrong way round?
As starting with 'porch mums' might be stronger (and more intriguing for those who don't know the term)
and ending with pumpkins being abandoned.
Isn't 'warmth' implied by 'sanctuary'?

desk and hearth
welcome such easy pots,
I think 'easy pots' is a phrase that needs unpacking.
their crowds of weary crown
the alliteration here seems contrived
and toughened stem
agree with alexorande about 'toughened'
now tiptoe and stretch
Aren't tiptoe and stretch here used as synonyms?
Also, surely you 'search' for something rather than 'stretch'?
to a sun they cannot find.
Like the sentiment of this line

A proven stove
Don't understand 'proven'.
warms yesterday's porridge,
nice detail
while well worn woollens
find revivals in fluff;
Again, I think you could reorder these lines, start with 'woollens' and end with 'porridge' .
'Revivals in fluff' - very nice.

all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.
I don't think this verse works well, I'm afraid.
Preparations/surrender seem at odds, as does preparations/too sudden approach.
'ever blasts', no idea here (but blasts feels rather out of place)
Given that the approach of winter is implicit throughout, do you really need this verse at all?
If you chose to woollens/porridge, then perhaps you could end by looking out
of a (kitchen) window at winter's approach.
The whole piece draws the interior of a home convincingly and I think it should finish indoors
(in the warmth).
Hope this helps.

Regards, Knot.

[nibbed]

Hi Nibbed,
liked the title, reads like an invitation, and 'porch mums' (new phrase to me).


Pumpkins lose neighbours
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth:
I wonder if you've got these lines the wrong way round?
As starting with 'porch mums' might be stronger (and more intriguing for those who don't know the term)
and ending with pumpkins being abandoned.
Isn't 'warmth' implied by 'sanctuary'?

desk and hearth
welcome such easy pots,
I think 'easy pots' is a phrase that needs unpacking.
their crowds of weary crown
the alliteration here seems contrived
and toughened stem
agree with alexorande about 'toughened'
now tiptoe and stretch
Aren't tiptoe and stretch here used as synonyms?
Also, surely you 'search' for something rather than 'stretch'?
to a sun they cannot find.
Like the sentiment of this line

A proven stove
Don't understand 'proven'.
warms yesterday's porridge,
nice detail
while well worn woollens
find revivals in fluff;
Again, I think you could reorder these lines, start with 'woollens' and end with 'porridge' .
'Revivals in fluff' - very nice.

all preparations, a surrender
to the ever blasts of winter's
too sudden approach.
I don't think this verse works well, I'm afraid.
Preparations/surrender seem at odds, as does preparations/too sudden approach.
'ever blasts', no idea here (but blasts feels rather out of place)
Given that the approach of winter is implicit throughout, do you really need this verse at all?
If you chose to woollens/porridge, then perhaps you could end by looking out
of a (kitchen) window at winter's approach.
The whole piece draws the interior of a home convincingly and I think it should finish indoors
(in the warmth).
Hope this helps.

Regards, Knot.

Hello Knot
Thank you kindly for your critique
it was very helpful. I will try to
use some of your suggestions.
I hope it will be at least a fair poem.
It is missing a cleverness that only comes
with the spirit of wit, though.
Have a blessed day.

nibbed

[Lizzie]

Hi nibbed.  

I think that the new ending is better, much better in fact. Using surrender to winter as a theme, perhaps invoking notions of surrender to aging/death, the particulars tie in nicely. A few notes:

1st Revision

Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth: -- I don't see the point of the colon over just a plain ole' period. So, the first three lines are lovely imagery, and very haiku like. I think you need to loosen up the wording a bit though -- here you have three words each line (excluding "as") and it's very compact. Then the rest of the poem just goes on about the business of being a regular poem, and it's almost like you started writing haiku and decided to expand on it. What I'm saying is that the cadence of the first stanza doesn't match that of the rest.


desk and hearth
welcome their easy pots,
holding for themselves -- do you need, "for themselves"? Maybe another verb besides hold that's a little stronger.
crowds of silken
bursting crowns

whose stalks
tiptoe and stretch, searching
for generous sun; -- I like the personification of all these things

kitchen hints
a proven stove
done in wafts 
of yesterday's porridge -- this was the stanza that I didn't understand. What is the kitchen hinting at? I think you mean that there are hints of the scent of yesterday's porridge. I think that "done" is the wrong word here, and the placement of "a proven stove" (which I like for the nod to rustic, country living as well as for its contribution to the theme aging) splits up the thought too much like my parenthetical just did to this sentence.

while well worn woolens 
find revivals in fluff: -- I like these two lines, nice visuals and sonics

early preparations -- preparations are early by nature, are they not? I think you can just say preparations.
to the full surrender -- for the full surrender
of winter.

So, you've got some good things going on in here. I'd recommend using longer line lengths for this piece. In general, shorter line length makes the reader move quickly through the poem and induces a feeling of tension. Here you want longer lines that encourage the reader to linger like the plants and the kitchen scents want to linger, slowly winding down into a comfortable end. If I'm reading your intent properly, that is....

Hope this helps some.

Lizzie

[nibbed]

Hi nibbed.  

I think that the new ending is better, much better in fact. Using surrender to winter as a theme, perhaps invoking notions of surrender to aging/death, the particulars tie in nicely. A few notes:

1st Revision

Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth: -- I don't see the point of the colon over just a plain ole' period. So, the first three lines are lovely imagery, and very haiku like. I think you need to loosen up the wording a bit though -- here you have three words each line (excluding "as") and it's very compact. Then the rest of the poem just goes on about the business of being a regular poem, and it's almost like you started writing haiku and decided to expand on it. What I'm saying is that the cadence of the first stanza doesn't match that of the rest.


desk and hearth
welcome their easy pots,
holding for themselves -- do you need, "for themselves"? Maybe another verb besides hold that's a little stronger.
crowds of silken
bursting crowns

whose stalks
tiptoe and stretch, searching
for generous sun; -- I like the personification of all these things

kitchen hints
a proven stove
done in wafts 
of yesterday's porridge -- this was the stanza that I didn't understand. What is the kitchen hinting at? I think you mean that there are hints of the scent of yesterday's porridge. I think that "done" is the wrong word here, and the placement of "a proven stove" (which I like for the nod to rustic, country living as well as for its contribution to the theme aging) splits up the thought too much like my parenthetical just did to this sentence.

while well worn woolens 
find revivals in fluff: -- I like these two lines, nice visuals and sonics

early preparations -- preparations are early by nature, are they not? I think you can just say preparations.
to the full surrender -- for the full surrender
of winter.

So, you've got some good things going on in here. I'd recommend using longer line lengths for this piece. In general, shorter line length makes the reader move quickly through the poem and induces a feeling of tension. Here you want longer lines that encourage the reader to linger like the plants and the kitchen scents want to linger, slowly winding down into a comfortable end. If I'm reading your intent properly, that is....

Hope this helps some.

Lizzie

Thanks Lizzie, for taking the time to consider my poem. I actually had forgotten about this, must be because I put fall behind me. Making the lines longer will be a challenge, but I agree it will make the poem better. I like your suggestions and will soon be finishing a revision.  I almost typed resurrection instead of revision! hahaha. Have a wonderful night!


nibbed

[Knot]

Hey nibbed,
some last minute suggestions
before this piece goes into hibernation.

[Glum] Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.

Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots, crowds
of crowns, bursting silken gold,

strong stalks tiptoe, stretch,
searching for the warmth
of generous Light

A toasty kitchen
[cosy] in woodsiest wafts,
yesterday's porridge,

[from this] well proven stove.
[Snug] and well worn woolens
find revivals of fluff.
(pick which 'well' to delete
or 'snug and welcome woolens' ?)

Simple preparations
[ahead of] a full surrender
to this blasted [W]inter.
(seems less of a 'surrender to'
than a 'retreat from')


Here's a version following
Lizzie's suggestion

A Softening of Bitter Season

[Glum] Pumpkins lose neighbors as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.  Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots, strong stalks tiptoe, stretch, searching

for the warmth of generous Light. Crowds of crowns,
bursting silken gold.  A toasty kitchen, [cosy] in woodsiest,
wafts yesterday's porridge, [from this] well proven stove.

[Snug] and [welcome] woolens find revivals of fluff,
[snow soft].  Simple preparations [ahead
of] a full surrender to this blasted [W]inter.


Best, Knot.

[nibbed]

Hey nibbed,
some last minute suggestions
before this piece goes into hibernation.

[Glum] Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.

Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots, crowds
of crowns, bursting silken gold,

strong stalks tiptoe, stretch,
searching for the warmth
of generous Light

A toasty kitchen
[cosy] in woodsiest wafts,
yesterday's porridge,

[from this] well proven stove.
[Snug] and well worn woolens
find revivals of fluff.
(pick which 'well' to delete
or 'snug and welcome woolens' ?)

Simple preparations
[ahead of] a full surrender
to this blasted [W]inter.
(seems less of a 'surrender to'
than a 'retreat from')


Here's a version folloing
Lizzie's suggestion

A Softening of Bitter Season

[Glum] Pumpkins lose neighbors as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.  Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots, strong stalks tiptoe, stretch, searching

for the warmth of generous Light. Crowds of crowns,
bursting silken gold.  A toasty kitchen, [cosy] in woodsiest,
wafts yesterday's porridge, [from this] well proven stove.

[Snug] and [welcome] woolens find revivals of fluff,
[snow soft].  Simple preparations [ahead
of] a full surrender to this blasted [W]inter.


Best, Knot.

Thanks Knot!

I hadn't thought of the pumpkins feeling anything and that makes perfect sense
because the mums are tiptoeing in the warmth! Yes, the woolens are welcoming!
I just learned something absolutely WONDERFUL, I hope I can remember to
apply these things forever in my poetry! You two (knot & lizzie) should collaborate,
I bet you'd create some phenomenal poems! I need to look at this some more...

Thank you! Thank you!  -nibbed

[Lizzie]

A Softening of Bitter Season

[Glum] Pumpkins lose neighbors as Autumn porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth.  Desk and hearth welcome
their easy pots, strong stalks tiptoe, stretch, searching

for the warmth of generous Light. Crowds of crowns,
bursting silken gold.  A toasty kitchen, [cosy] in woodsiest,
wafts yesterday's porridge, [from this] well proven stove.

[Snug] and [welcome] woolens find revivals of fluff,
[snow soft].  Simple preparations [ahead
of] a full surrender to this blasted [W]inter.

Mmmmmm, I like glum. This was what I had in mind about line length -- I didn't think it needed additional content necessarily, just a re-format.