Carol

[heslopian]

December 9th:
home town high street

The eyes of strange creatures,
forever blinking, draw one near
the plastic rides,

twirling like synthetic angels,
with children inside,
faces blank,

as a nearby stage
hosts an impromptu quiz.
Christmas never went so slow.

I bought a "festive" cheeseburger.
Now there are
crumbs on my fleece.

[billy]

i love the festive cheese burger verse.
if i had a nit it would be breaking the line after never, it could just be me but it made me stall.

the first verse i can relate to, i had small kids once hehe.

a nice take on xmas. thanks for the read as always

[Lawrence]

"synthetic angels"

For some reason, this doesn't work for me.

Also, would their faces really be blank?

I like the rest of it. Thank you!

[heslopian]

"synthetic angels"

For some reason, this doesn't work for me.

The original line was "dancers in a music box," but I thought that was too cliche. I see what you mean; "synthetic angels" is very obscure. As for the faces being blank, that was simply my observation; those rides were deathly dull No rollercoasters, just depressingly slow merry-go-rounds. I should probably have specified that in the text.
Thanks for the feedback, Lawrence

[Lawrence]

Oh, see, in my mind I pictured a passable ride :p
I should've read a bit more into that.

[heslopian]

i love the festive cheese burger verse.
if i had a nit it would be breaking the line after never, it could just be me but it made me stall.

the first verse i can relate to, i had small kids once hehe.

a nice take on xmas. thanks for the read as always

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Billy I jotted this in MacDonald's whilst eating my "festive" burger (which was a rip off I might add. Just meat with a barbecue sauce; what's so Christmassy about that?)
My grasp on the line breaks is rather shaky here; I didn't afford them much technique, if I'm honest, which is no doubt why you stumbled.

---

Oh, see, in my mind I pictured a passable ride :p
I should've read a bit more into that.

I'm the one who wrote the piece, I should be doing the legwork haha

[billy]

it was just the one line break here;

Christmas never <--

went so slow. I bought a

[heslopian]

it was just the one line break here;

Christmas never <--

went so slow. I bought a

I seem to remember doing that as a way, I think, of marking the passage of time. Because it takes slightly longer to read, I thought it would emphasise the slowness mentioned. Trust me, it made sense in my head at the time.
Do you think it would read better like this?:

Christmas never went so slow.

I bought a "festive" cheeseburger.
Now there are
crumbs on my fleece.

[billy]

it does for me jack.

i do love that last line hehe.

[Lawrence]

"Christmas never went so slow."

Actually, the "went" sounds kind of iffy to me.
Probably just personal preference.

[heslopian]

it does for me jack.

i do love that last line hehe.

Done

---

"Christmas never went so slow."

Actually, the "went" sounds kind of iffy to me.
Probably just personal preference.

I wasn't sure of that word when I was writing the piece, but all my alternatives made the sentence too long.

[billy]

it works better for me.

with the went, i find it okay but if you wanted you could say was
christmas was never so slow
or
was christmas ever so slow.

or leave as is. i think all ways are pretty much of a oneness