Why We Should be Glad

[nibbed]

Edit One: Thanks, Shemthepenman and Leanne


Why God isn't a Woman


PMS,
but what that sage said
when she sold me angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys and they can fight,
nearly kill each other, but the next day
it's like it never happened.

My girls, now, that's another thing.
They never forgive and they don't forget."

Now you won't see me
any time soon
pulling from this attic
any family albums
showing envy-gossiped,
gristle wrestling,
hag fests, either.

Not to forget the street brawl.








Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman

PMS,

and what that sage said
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys,
and they can fight,
nearly kill each other,
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like
it never happened.

My girls, now
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me
to pull from this attic
albums showing any
more

gristle wrestling,
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.

[shemthepenman]

hello Nibbed,

just a few comments:

Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS, —so, i entirely dislike this, seemingly popular, device of making the title of a poem grammatically and necessarily connected to the first line of the poem. it’s just amateurish and lazy. 

and what that sage said
that sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:                  —this detail is really good.

"I have 4 boys,
and they can fight,
almost kill each other,
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like
it never happened.

My girls, now
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget." —i wonder if this wouldn’t be better written in full sentences and not verse. i personally don’t think the enjambments are necessary or justified. 

Don't be askin' me
to pull from this attic
albums showing any
those

gristle wrestling,
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either. —i like these last two stanzas very much. they would work as their own poem. etc. 

despite the premise of this poem seemingly having been beamed here from a 1970s sitcom, i actually really like its use of language and style. if only you could put some of that creative energy into something more contemporary and progressive. maybe your next poem could be about “why we should be glad God’s gender fluid”.

[Leanne]

Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS,

and what that sage said -- this line feels clunky to me.  Perhaps consider "and the words of the sage"?
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys, -- I like this link of $4 to 4 boys 
and they can fight,
almost kill each other, -- for the sake of sound, maybe you'd replace "almost" with "nearly"?
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like -- I think you could get rid of "and it was", just go to "like it never happened"
it never happened.

My girls, now -- this line needs punctuation -- either a comma or better yet, a colon -- I think a colon would address the issue of sounding a bit too run-on, considering there's a natural pause there
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me -- the dropping of the g stands out here and I'm not convinced it's in a good way -- also, is this back to the speaker who bought the cake?  It seems like we've missed a bit
to pull from this attic
albums showing any -- this line break seems arbitrary and unneeded 
more

gristle wrestling, -- there's not really any need for a stanza break here, except to keep the line numbers uniform, and I'm not sure that's a good enough reason in a piece of freeverse 
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.

[nibbed]

hello Nibbed,

just a few comments:

Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS, —so, i entirely dislike this, seemingly popular, device of making the title of a poem grammatically and necessarily connected to the first line of the poem. it’s just amateurish and lazy.                          -that's how I feel about all caps beginning sentences, sometimes.

and what that sage said
that sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:                  —this detail is really good.

"I have 4 boys,
and they can fight,
almost kill each other,
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like
it never happened.

My girls, now
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget." —i wonder if this wouldn’t be better written in full sentences and not verse. i personally don’t think the enjambments are necessary or justified.                                                                                                         I'm going to see how to work that out.
                                                                                                                          I'm stuck in a certain style. It feels like home for some reason.
Don't be askin' me
to pull from this attic
albums showing any
those

gristle wrestling,
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either. —i like these last two stanzas very much. they would work as their own poem. etc. 

despite the premise of this poem seemingly having been beamed here from a 1970s sitcom, i actually really like its use of language and style. if only you could put some of that creative energy into something more contemporary and progressive. maybe your next poem could be about “why we should be glad God’s gender fluid”.

I'm not sure I can handle contemporary or progressive in either poetry or painting. I may try painting first. No, we'll leave the gender fluid to someone who believes in it. hahaha. I thank you very much for taking time to critique. I was feeling giggly and goofy when I wrote. The poem was based on an actual encounter with a sweet older lady who was selling angel food cake in an open marketplace. The subject of forgiveness came up and I was reminded of it today and the whole of it struck me funny. I'm thankful for God's attributes and that they aren't always like our own. Thanks again, Shem. Have a great night. <3

---

Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS,

and what that sage said -- this line feels clunky to me.  Perhaps consider "and the words of the sage"?
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys, -- I like this link of $4 to 4 boys 
and they can fight,
almost kill each other, -- for the sake of sound, maybe you'd replace "almost" with "nearly"? that does sound nicer, thanks
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like -- I think you could get rid of "and it was", just go to "like it never happened" yes, that might be better
it never happened.

My girls, now -- this line needs punctuation -- either a comma or better yet, a colon -- I think a colon would address the issue of sounding a bit too run-on, considering there's a natural pause there    this will be worked on
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me -- the dropping of the g stands out here and I'm not convinced it's in a good way -- also, is this back to the speaker who bought the cake?  It seems like we've missed a bit  I just assumed it would be caught that the speaker is a woman.
to pull from this attic
albums showing any -- this line break seems arbitrary and unneeded 
more

gristle wrestling, -- there's not really any need for a stanza break here, except to keep the line numbers uniform, and I'm not sure that's a good enough reason in a piece of freeverse I'm feeling too comfortable doing this. Thanks for the reminder.
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.

thank you, Leanne for the thoughtful critique. I will have to try
to work it through, somehow. Hope your night is wonderful.


nibbed

---

It was a good critique from Shem. Look at the forest ignore the individual trees and consider it holistically. While I have a different view on enjambment, the use of titles, etc. that doesn't make Shem's position wrong. He clearly stated it as an opinion. I would not have read that and thought: Shem is calling me a stupid moron. I've been on sites where the critique is harsh--this isn't harsh. We can differ on that but I don't see it as an attack on the poet.

If he had written: Janine, this poem is shit and that's because you're lazy and don't have the ability to do better--that would be one thing. I don't see that here. He was actually pretty encouraging. Telling someone that their poem is crap can be really helpful. If everyone dances around strong words you cost the poet years of development.

Nothing I would have seen as a problem.

Hi, Todd. Maybe I am missing something, have I complained about Shem's critique?
Did I appear offended or hurt by it?
I never said Shem's position on titles was wrong. It's his position, I'm thankful he shared.
Titles used in such a way can have a tendency to gleam in cheese, I understand what he's saying.
I don't know where you are coming from with this comment, though.
Yes, it was a good critique.
I hope he keeps critiquing.
Your whole comment is confusing to me...

all the best

nibbed

[nibbed]

Edit One: Thanks, Shemthepenman and Leanne



Why God isn't a Woman


PMS,
but what that sage said
when she sold me angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys and they can fight,
almost kill each other, but the next day
it's a new day, like it never happened.

My girls, now, that's another thing.
They never forgive and they don't forget."

Now you won't see me
any time soon
pulling from this attic
any family albums
showing envy-gossiped,
gristle wrestling,
hag fests, either.

Not to forget the street brawl.





Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman

PMS,

and what that sage said
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys,
and they can fight,
nearly kill each other,
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like
it never happened.

My girls, now
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me
to pull from this attic
albums showing any
more

gristle wrestling,
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.

[Leanne]

The lineation is much stronger in this new version, Janine. I like the addition of the last line, although I wonder if "forget" is the right choice of words there? I keep wanting to say "not to mention". Unless the idea is that she won't be looking at the photo albums in order to forget the street brawl... little confusing.

Thank you for having such an excellent response to criticism. Your method of accepting flaws and working to correct them in order to strengthen your poem is precisely what the site is intended for.

[Achebe]

Hello nibbled
Line breaks correspond to pauses: this can be because of three reasons - the reader needs to pause and think on the last line, the pause creates rhythm, or because you deliberately want to withhold information till the next line. The last is for when you have something clever or interesting  up your sleeve.
I think in the first version you had line breaks that weren’t needed for any of the above reasons.
The second version looks better, but IMO:

L7: the break on day/like didn’t need to be removed
L9: would prefer a line break after forgive
On the other hand, the line break after “gristle wrestling” looks pointless

Nice poem brw

[nibbed]

Hello nibbled
Line breaks correspond to pauses: this can be because of three reasons - the reader needs to pause and think on the last line, the pause creates rhythm, or because you deliberately want to withhold information till the next line. The last is for when you have something clever or interesting  up your sleeve.
I think in the first version you had line breaks that weren’t needed for any of the above reasons.
The second version looks better, but IMO:

L7: the break on day/like didn’t need to be removed
L9: would prefer a line break after forgive
On the other hand, the line break after “gristle wrestling” looks pointless

Nice poem brw

Hi, Achebe and Leanne. I keep falling into the same rut wanting to consider a certain familiar form my own style, it's like I can't break it, not considering whether it is right or wrong. Achebe, I will try your suggestions in my next revision and see how it goes. THANK YOU so much.

-nibbed

[shemthepenman]

hello Nibbed,

yes, i much prefer the edit. the more straightforward approach gives this, somewhat, humorous and light poem a little more focus and gravity, because it removes the obvious artifice of the peculiar and seemingly random enjambments (oh “random enjambments”—that sounds nice). now i can concentrate on the “actual” poem rather than navigating the distracting and bizarre free jazz style structure. it just seems more honest.

[Knot]

Hey Nibbed
at the risk of being one straw too many...
(and no, there isn't a hidden camel insult in there)

The title seems to have gone a bit astray with the edit.
PMS has something of an old joke/cliché feel and doesn't serve the piece well.
The dialogue, on the other hand, does work - the tone seems just right
and I'd suggest rewriting all of it in the same style as S2/3
Just a suggestion:

Theology and Baked Goods

"You be glad god isn't a woman"
That's what she said
[as] she sold me angel food cake
Was it a slice?
for four dollars.

You could add a short physical description of her here I think

"I have 4 boys
and they can fight,
third 'four' (change either this or the price)
nearly kill each other,
but the next day
it's like it never happened.

My girls, now,
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

You could add a short description of the location
where this conversation is taking place;
along the lines of
you always get more
than you bargained for
at the farmer's market
Or have her try to sell you something else.
Or simply end the piece here
'they don't forget' makes a excellent last line

The album/attic/brawl lines are clutter, rather than contribution, I think.

Best, Knot.