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A poet learns how best to name the earth,
the sea, the sky and all the beasts within it
if misery had followed from their birth
and gave the inspiration for their sonnets
adhesure strict to form and careful ear
becomes their life, their love, and close companion
assured that strife will always hold them dear
while lovers, family and friends abandon
And once you've started well in this career
begin destroying all of your affections
accrue egregious pain that draws you near
to that ascended state of lamentation
you'll spend your days unlearning how to live
until your words are all that you can give
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(01-11-2018, 01:58 PM)AttnAttack Wrote: A poet learns how best to name the earth, "frame" instead of "name?" Just a thought.
the sea, the sky and all the beasts within it punctuation needed at end of line... colon, comma, semicolon, or em-dash to taste
if misery had followed from their birth "if" for "as if" is archaic and somewhat unclear - a two-syllable substitute for "misery" would allow the more modern "as if"
and gave the inspiration for their sonnets perhaps "them" for "the," and "each sonnet" for a more exact end-rhyme
adhesure strict to form and careful ear "adhesure" is a less common word than "adherence," which is closer in meaning (adhere to rules vs. physical adhesion); commas before "strict" and "and" could justify the inversion
becomes their life, their love, and close companion
assured that strife will always hold them dear could replace "assured that" with "assuring"
while lovers, family and friends abandon "whom" in place of "while" would give "abandon" a subject
And once you've started well in this career switch from impersonal to personal noted, a turn; comma at end of line here?
begin destroying all of your affections colon or semicolon at end of this line?
accrue egregious pain that draws you near
to that ascended state of lamentation difficult to perfect the end-rhyme here while maintaining the meaning - "vain perfections" comes to mind, or "height of lamentations." Em-dash at the end could bridge to the final couplet
you'll spend your days unlearning how to live
until your words are all that you can give closer needs more punch (and a period)... "all your ghost can give?"
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In mild to moderate critique, please don't take the above too much to heart. It's a fine topic, and there are some original phrases here.
One thing that tripped up my picky little mind is punctuation/capitalization (or is that two things?) For example, the second quatrain should, strictly speaking, end with a period if the next line is capitalized... or the next line shouldn't be capitalized if there's no period.
In like wise, the near-rhymes probably only bother pedants - but could the work be improved by making them closer? Something to try.
The meter is very good, as is the turn at the final couplet. "Unlearning how to live" is nice. If you want a title, "A Sonnet of Poetry" or the like might do the job.
Good work here. Thanks for posting.
Non-practicing atheist
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(01-11-2018, 01:58 PM)AttnAttack Wrote: A poet learns how best to name the earth,
the sea, the sky and all the beasts within it 'within it' is a little off meter
if misery had followed from their birth would prefer 'as' to 'is'
and gave the inspiration for their sonnets
adhesure strict to form and careful ear
becomes their life, their love, and close companion
assured that strife will always hold them dear 'strife' is always a sucky rhyme. Plus you don't need it. Make a sub
while lovers, family and friends abandon a little 'Hallmark' here. Suggest mixing it up a little
And once you've started well in this career meter hiccups in this section. (But L3 comes off well)
begin destroying all of your affections
accrue egregious pain that draws you near
to that ascended state of lamentation
you'll spend your days unlearning how to live
until your words are all that you can give Ending is cliche. Tinker with it and see what you come up with
Good Luck with it,
Paul
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(01-11-2018, 01:58 PM)AttnAttack Wrote: A poet learns how best to name the earth, I don't like this line because of best, too simple
the sea, the sky and all the beasts within it I like rhyming sonnet with within it
if misery had followed from their birth
and gave the inspiration for their sonnets
adhesure strict to form and careful ear quirky
becomes their life, their love, and close companion
assured that strife will always hold them dear I don't like dear
while lovers, family and friends abandon I don't like using family with meter because I don't want to trip on 2 or 3 syllables
And once you've started well in this career
begin destroying all of your affections
accrue egregious pain that draws you near I like this line but draws you near is weak like hold them dear
to that ascended state of lamentation meter also makes it hard for me to focus, I hear the words without grasping it
you'll spend your days unlearning how to live
until your words are all that you can giveI completely can't understand the ending. Sorry
It sounds nice, I like the title good luck!
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