Learned behavior

[Keith]

Edit 1 thanks to all

She stood with her pram
repeatedly smacking
her babies cry.
Unkempt hair and clothes,
mental health moved her
in a different way.

Take it away at birth,
tubes should be tied,
can’t even look after themselves,
shouldn't be allowed to have a child.

The father was somewhere else
avoiding eye contact and opinion,
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.

I caught her hand,
holding on at the wrist.
She came back from behind her eyes.

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?

[Mopkins]

OOOWWWWUUUUUHHHHH food glorious food! fanks fine fellow!!
She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry. (gee 'into' is a bit weird for me... i'd generally say 'smacking an/a/her' or such but neato bit of alliterative ppeees and kkkks and mmms tbh)
Greasy hair and dirty clothes (yawnish greasy and dirty/ a more descriptive euphemism would a bit of mercy to this stern scene)
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues
and sheltered housing.(ooooh veeery niiice descriptives)

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center, (looooveee shirnking/shopping/centre kkks ssses)
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. (i sort of wondering whether he was pacing/blinking/jerking around in association with this crisis? it's add a bit of movement to this procedural march)

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist, (like a wee brat heroic hhhahhches)
she came back from behind her eyes, (eyes spinning like the exorcist?)
a sail boat emerging from a storm.

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? (crunchy cynical closure)

neato bit of pedestrian intervention thanks u get the good cit award today

[Keith]

OOOWWWWUUUUUHHHHH food glorious food! fanks fine fellow!!
She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry. (gee 'into' is a bit weird for me... i'd generally say 'smacking an/a/her'  or such but neato bit of alliterative ppeees and kkkks and mmms tbh)
Greasy hair and dirty clothes (yawnish greasy and dirty/ a more descriptive euphemism would a bit of mercy to this stern scene)
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues
and sheltered housing.(ooooh veeery niiice descriptives)

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,  (looooveee shirnking/shopping/centre  kkks ssses)
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. (i sort of wondering whether he was pacing/blinking/jerking around in association with this crisis? it's add a bit of movement to this procedural march)

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist, (like a wee brat  heroic  hhhahhches)
she came back from behind her eyes, (eyes spinning like the exorcist?)
a sail boat emerging from a storm.

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? (crunchy cynical closure)

neato bit of pedestrian intervention thanks u get the good cit award today

Hey Momomopkins
Thank you for the feedback, I take your point about greasy hair....etc not working hard enough, I will take a look, into the pram was my intention and the reason I chose the word but I can see your point so will have a think. Much appreciated. Keith

[vagabond]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues
and sheltered housing.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes,
a sail boat emerging from a storm.

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?

"automatic doors in crisis".. in a strange way the (mal-?)functioning door seems to accompany the mindless behaviour of the mother.

was not sure if this "he" in the second stanza is her mate or describing other people ignoring the scene.

i love the line "she came back from behind her eyes".
the following line seems almost too distracting after that

when i read "its nappy" i first thought how can it be the sail boat´s.. how about writing  "the nappy"?

i think the question in the last two lines   came very suddenly and seems almost too pensive for the situation..  i wondered if those are really the first thoughts that come right after catching that wrist (on second thought and reading your title: "pass it on" is an understandable first thought)

[alonso ramoran]

She stood in front of the pram 
repeatedly smacking Not sure what's smacking here.
into an unseen cry. I'd split the stanza right here, just for form. Id also maybe bring up "into" for the isolation of "an unseen cry"
Greasy hair and dirty clothes This sentence structure feels odd going into the next line. Maybe a comma right here?
her body moved in a way 
that hinted at issues I'd get a lot more specific in this line and the one above.
and sheltered housing.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. I like this stanza. It has a nightmarish quality to it.

I caught her hand So at this point there's a she, he, and I. I'm still trying to figure out the situation at this point in the poem.
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes, I like this line
a sail boat emerging from a storm. This is almost cliche. 

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? 

Hi Keith. I'd give the title more work, I feel like it needs more hinting at the poem itself. In spite of all my critiques, I do think you have a solid start here.

 
Upon rereading this a few times, I think this is about a person caring for the child of this girl who was once in an abusive relationship or came from an abusive home?
I don't quite get the mall metaphor,if so.

Best, Alex.

[Wjames]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way This line and the preceding have some connective issues for me... maybe could use a comma or something
that hinted at issues "issues" could be stronger.
and sheltered housing. This is nice, maybe change issues above to another specific issue like this.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. Nice, I like how the automatic doors in crisis sort of echos the repeated smacking of the first stanza. 

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist, Could cut "holding on" and lose nothing imo.
she came back from behind her eyes,
a sail boat emerging from a storm. Nice

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? I don't like the ending... I think it would be stronger ending on the previous stanza. This ending sort of feels like something Oprah would say.

I really like the title, interesting poem, I enjoyed it.

[nibbed]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues
and sheltered housing.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.

I caught her hand                                                   best S, ever
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes,                                     
a sail boat emerging from a storm.                  

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs                                  
to a mother that needed the same?  



it would almost be better
if it was complete metaphor
and not an actual observance poem.  

nibbed

[Knot]

Hi Keith.
The character descriptions are economical and effective, as is the narrative.

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
perhaps 'repeatedly smacking' ?
into an unseen cry.
I too find 'into' confusing;
it is reasonably strongly implied
'given in front of the pram'
It might be better to describe
the effects/failure of her behaviour.

Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues
and sheltered housing.
Would suggest;
Dirty clothes, greasy hair,
her body moved in ways
that told a history
of trauma and sheltered housing

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.
enjoyed the line break afte doors.
(though visually it looks a bit odd.
could you elaborate,
in a crisis of...?)

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
perhaps,
held her by the wrist.
she came back from behind her eyes,
a sail boat emerging from a storm.
Nice image, though a very brief description
of the sail boat ('battered' or similar) might help.

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
'Its' doesn't work that well I thik.
Would suggest repeating the style-description of S2, as in
Nappy, full, clothes coverd
in sick (with a bit more description here)
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?
Nice ending, just the right side of emotional.

Best, Knot.

[vagabond]

hi keith! why did you change the title? i loved "pass it on".. "learned behaviour" is too detached a view and too explanatory.

[Leanne]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues -- this is the only word I have "issues" with -- would like to see something concrete rather than policy-speak
and sheltered housing.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center, -- looks weird with the US spelling, especially since "shopping centre" isn't what Americans would call it, I believe -- I'm blaming your Yankocentric autocorrect 
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes,
a sail boat emerging from a storm.

Its nappy was full -- perhaps you'd consider a bit of a list here -- nappy full, sick-covered clothes -- to avoid issues that people are having with the pronoun
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?

I know this woman.  I see her every week, but she has a different face each time. I do what I can, but you can't educate a ghost.

Sometimes they stay long enough to become flesh.  Those are good days.

[flagthrower]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking ---- "smacking" seems like a severe word choice. what is she smacking? her lips? her baby? 
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes 
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues ---- "issues" is a bit insensitive as a word choice. It implied a level of judgement that maybe you didn't intend?
and sheltered housing. 

No eye contact or opinion, 
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center, 
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. --- not sure about this line. it seems like the doors would be a point of stability here, and could be a metaphor for closing off or opening up. blocking the outside from in. 

I caught her hand 
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes, --- this is the strongest line. implies hope. 
a sail boat emerging from a storm. ---- perhaps a more nuanced metaphor here??

Its nappy was full 
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs 
to a mother that needed the same?

Overall I liked this poem. But I am confused about the perspective, its seems as if this women is a stranger. why should the person speaking need to give advice to the child or the mother? It could work but make sure you are aware of the underlying implications of class-gender-socioeconomic tensions. 

[KYPunk]

She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking I also found this word choice a little confusing. Perhaps 'smothering an unseen cry?' Otherwise, I'd look at changing 'into'. I didn't recognize it referred to the pram until my second pass.
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues No problem with this word. How else would you describe the problems of a stranger? Reading it put a pretty clear picture in my mind.
and sheltered housing. Funny how you can pick up things like that just from someone's hunched-up shoulders.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else The change in subject lost me until the end of the stanza. Maybe you could include 'him' and 'her' together before he leaves to go inside for context. This is his first and only appearance.
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. Love it. Brings home the vibe of mistrust and suffering. Picturing him looking wide-eyed back at closing doors.

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes, This is the moment of contact, no longer relating as an observer, and feels as strong as it should-
a sail boat emerging from a storm. -but this line feels disconnected from the imagery of the rest of the poem. Maybe you could connect it to the previous stanza? (as 'he' becomes distant watching closing doors, she is drawn to focus through open eyes. I think there's a symmetry there to be drawn on.) However, I appreciate this imagery's emotional power. So, if it can't be improved, don't change it! :P

Its nappy was full The alternative to this pronoun issue is a worse one, since the two (parents?) are referred to only by 'he' and 'she', so using one again would be confusing. 'It' is a pretty normal designation for an infant.
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? very nice.

This couple, especially the mother, come off as very guarded and fearful people. They avoid eye contact, withdraw, and try to be unassuming, only standing out more. I'm curious to know more about her reaction at being grabbed at the wrist, that bit seems a little abrupt. I would expect some reaction.
The title is perfect as it is. It connects to the closing line, and creates a continuity. It suggests the likelyhood that their parents were similar people, and their child could also be. But then, how could you explain... Depressing but true.
Loved it! Very relatable, poignant, and concludes well. Just a few clarity issues.
Thanks for the read :)

[Keith]

Wow, massive thanks to all who have commented on this, sorry not been back it kinda snuck up on me without me realising I had so much feed back, anyway lots of common themes so easy to target the improvements I hope

@Vagabond x2....Yes, he need more clarity, but its him that is in crisis not the doors. I thought 'pass it on' was more like a note going round the classroom so changed title and others based on others feedback
@Alexorande....Thanks, I like your suggested stanza split and agree with the borderline cliche.
@Wjames.....I like the suggestion for another specific issue and to cut holding on, also very pleased you got the movement of the doors matched with her hand, author intended.
@nibbed....Thanks, not sure how I could work this into an extended metaphor its pretty full on but glad you liked S3 good to now what works.
@knot.....I like the suggestion of shuffling S1 and reworking S4 into S2 format. Thanks
@Leannne.....Like the idea of cementing an image onto issues, thanks for 'centre' and a list could work I will see what works out.
@flagthrower.....Hi, thanks for commenting you raise some interesting questions, so by way of some explanation, she was smacking the hell out of her baby, hense the insensitvity, this actually happend and yes there were many people aware of the socioeconomic tensions as they walked right past her, but beating a child or worse, a baby, in the UK is illeagal so I stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, she had no answer and shot off as quickly as she could and he followed her without even looking back or saying a word. I still worry about that child. I took out a stanza from this, that I might put back in, it didnt make much sense but in my mind it was the things people were saying as the walked past.
Take it away at birth,
tubes should be tied,
can’t even look after themselves,
who the hell shagged her.
shouldn't be allowed to have a child.

@KYPunk.....Thank you and welcome, I explain above how she reacted to being grabbed, I agree with the sailboat being disconnected, i was trying too hard to be fancy.

Thank you all for spending time on this I will digest your comments further and come back for an edit. best Keith

[Radetof.Yahska]

An interesting read. Thanks for the downer-upper!

Edit 1 thanks to all

She stood with her pram
repeatedly smacking
her babies cry.                                 ---- her babies cry? does it work grammatically? I'm unsure
Unkempt hair and clothes,
mental health moved her                  ---- moved her --- if the image is of differences, this is a little blurry
in a different way.                            

Take it away at birth,
tubes should be tied,
can’t even look after themselves,
shouldn't be allowed to have a child.       --- this stanza would be better placed after the next one, so as to give a sense of completion to line 3, unless the break in flow is                                                                     deliberate

The father was somewhere else
avoiding eye contact and opinion,
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis.

I caught her hand,
holding on at the wrist.
She came back from behind her eyes.          --- this was some trouble. behind her eyes initially felt like someone staring out of the back of their heads before seeming like                                                                          someone coming out of a reverie; resolution was amazing, 5/5, will use this phrase

Its nappy was full                                      --- why the dehumanizing when sandwiched between lines of betterment and reality?
clothes covered in sick,                               --- sick really paints a pretty picture here
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?

The tone felt ambivalent, a certain detachment from the proceedings. If the idea is one of participation and empathy, maybe work on the tone thing (?)

Again, a very interesting read. What pretty pictures you paint.
Hope this helps!