You're losing you, are you gone.

[Rorf Asalis]

[b]Thread closed as the poet will not be returning to workshop.  -mod[/b]

Soul's mirrors and mind's 
study are the eyes,
and the verdict is clear, 
wild animals cave in the 
hollows of your mind, herds,
escorting your thoughts
and opening your eyes wide,
front window to a 
spacy mind's fantasies,  
and easy smiles drawn, 
as thorny roses pricking 
your fingers, you're hurt. 

Call it gathering of the herds,
or.... the others showed up.
Snakes spell words ?
One word one snake ?
One stabbing one wolf ?
Feels like jungle, go hunting, 
chase the wild with the risky,
personalize the unknown, 
then look for the stick.

Seems to feel like 
being in other places,
in their places ?
too small a world ?
meeting them everywhere,
always away from a home, 
in your home.

You're searching all the time
without looking for something,
you're here and there and 
your thoughts everywhere,
pages never turned,
a bit of each on a lot,
starting one and continuing another,
thoughts are powering you,
natural energizers, 
consuming yourself.
You're consumed unhappily,
sleeping seated and eating laid, 
waiting with the mornings for light.

Enjoy watching the horizon 
at the sea shores,
not the sky,
guess how big the world is,
don't wonder what's on 
it's other side, reporting 
leave of absence.
You always want to see
where your sight can't reach.
  
Look at the mirror 
and see something. 
Where are you ? 
You seem to think, it's not worthy it.
But everything ?  Everybody ?
Who's remote, you or the others.
Where those you looked for are ? 
You are leaving us, 
if you could look at me and see my
concerns, would you stay with us.
It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen, 
the sun, light and 
the seas, rain's water.
Live, Alive.

[CRNDLSM]

I feel like this is already in a book somewhere. The formatting, the vague... everything. Some of the language sounds better than listens. Well, I get lost, can't keep a train of thought. I look for reasons and tell myself it's all intentional.

What I would do is pick out my favorite lines and shorten this about halfway, but maybe it's all necessary. Good luck, sorry I can't be more helpful

[Leanne]

I'm sorry, I really don't know where to begin with this.  If you take out all the abstractions (soul, mind, etc) and the cliches (verdict is clear, eyes wide, thorn/rose, home away from home, here there and everywhere, etc), spelling errors/ typos notwithstanding, there's not a lot left that says anything particularly new. Now, that's ok if you're just exploring your own thoughts but to be honest, I was more entertained by removing all the formatting than by reading the poem itself. I feel that this could be condensed to just a line or two from each stanza and probably keep the last few lines, because that seems to be where the poem really is.

Soul's mirrors and mind's 
study are the eyes,
and the verdict is clear, 
wild animals cave in the 
hollows of your mind, herds,
escorting your thoughts
and opening your eyes wide,
front window to a 
spacy mind's fantasies,  
and easy smiles drawn, 
as thorny roses pricking 
your fingers, you're hurt. 

Call it gathering of the herds,
or.... the others showed up.
Snakes spell words ?
One word one snake ?
One stabbing one wolf ?
Feels like jungle, go hunting, 
chase the wild with the risky,
personalize the unknown, 
then look for the stick.

Seems to feel like 
being in other places,
in their places ?
too small a world ?
meeting them everywhere,
always away from a home, 
in your home.

You're searching all the time
without looking for something,
you're here and there and 
your thoughts everywhere,
pages never turned,
a bit of each on a lot,
starting one and continuing another,
thoughts are powering you,
natural energizers, 
consuming yourself.
You're consumed unhappily,
sleeping seated and eating laid, 
waiting with the mornings for light.

Enjoy watching the horizon 
at the sea shores,
not the sky,
guess how big the world is,
don't wonder what's on 
it's other side, reporting 
leave of absence.
You always want to see
where your sight can't reach.

Look at the mirror 
and see something. 
Where are you ? 
You seem to think, it's not worthy it.
But everything ?  Everybody ?
[Who's remote, you or the others.
Where those you looked for are ? 
You are leaving us, 
if you could look at me and see my
concerns, would you stay with us.
It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen,
the sun, light and 
the seas, rain's water.
Live, Alive.

[Hannah]

The format is a bit confusing for me. And there are grammar error/capitalization errors that I'm not sure if they are intentional or not. I would spend some time really figuring out what it is you are trying to say and then work on condensing this, maybe go line by line.

[Rorf Asalis]

I feel like this is already in a book somewhere.  The formatting, the vague... everything.  Some of the language sounds better than listens.  Well, I get lost, can't keep a train of thought.  I look for reasons and tell myself it's all intentional.

What I would do is pick out my favorite lines and shorten this about halfway, but maybe it's all necessary.  Good luck, sorry I can't be more helpful

I'm glad you're not helpful, thank you for not helping.

---

I'm sorry, I really don't know where to begin with this.  If you take out all the abstractions (soul, mind, etc) and the cliches (verdict is clear, eyes wide, thorn/rose, home away from home, here there and everywhere, etc), spelling errors/ typos notwithstanding, there's not a lot left that says anything particularly new.  Now, that's ok if you're just exploring your own thoughts but to be honest, I was more entertained by removing all the formatting than by reading the poem itself.  I feel that this could be condensed to just a line or two from each stanza and probably keep the last few lines, because that seems to be where the poem really is.  

Soul's mirrors and mind's 
study are the eyes,
and the verdict is clear, 
wild animals cave in the 
hollows of your mind, herds,
escorting your thoughts
and opening your eyes wide,
front window to a 
spacy mind's fantasies,  
and easy smiles drawn, 
as thorny roses pricking 
your fingers, you're hurt. 

Call it gathering of the herds,
or.... the others showed up.
Snakes spell words ?
One word one snake ?
One stabbing one wolf ?
Feels like jungle, go hunting, 
chase the wild with the risky,
personalize the unknown, 
then look for the stick.

Seems to feel like 
being in other places,
in their places ?
too small a world ?
meeting them everywhere,
always away from a home, 
in your home.

You're searching all the time
without looking for something,
you're here and there and 
your thoughts everywhere,
pages never turned,
a bit of each on a lot,
starting one and continuing another,
thoughts are powering you,
natural energizers, 
consuming yourself.
You're consumed unhappily,
sleeping seated and eating laid, 
waiting with the mornings for light.

Enjoy watching the horizon 
at the sea shores,
not the sky,
guess how big the world is,
don't wonder what's on 
it's other side, reporting 
leave of absence.
You always want to see
where your sight can't reach.

Look at the mirror 
and see something. 
Where are you ? 
You seem to think, it's not worthy it.
But everything ?  Everybody ?
[Who's remote, you or the others.
Where those you looked for are ? 
You are leaving us, 
if you could look at me and see my
concerns, would you stay with us.
It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen,
the sun, light and 
the seas, rain's water.
Live, Alive.

At 1544 ? It's not needed. It's a bit testless, like a photo without content.

---

The format is a bit confusing for me. And there are grammar error/capitalization errors that I'm not sure if they are intentional or not. I would spend some time really figuring out what it is you are trying to say and then work on condensing this, maybe go line by line.

We have to look at mirrirs without glasses to figure things out about our selves and the world.

P.S.  If you please refer to a grammatical  error, to start the process.

[nibbed]

Hi, Rorf. I thought about a few things, mostly about tobogganing. I remembered tobogganing with my dad when I was little. It was very thrilling. We had one of those four person seaters with a thin red cushion covered in plastic. He would wax and buff the bottom of the toboggan to make it extra smooth and slippery, then take us to a place called, "Dead Man's Hill", in a park outside of Dearborn where my brothers, in Summer, would dare to descend on bicycles (holding their feet up in the air). This poem reminded me of that and a recording I saw recently of some folks speeding down a toboggan run through a forest in Indiana traveling over 40 mph! It looked like fun. I thought I might like to try it, but would likely bail out at the last second! Then I thought, "isn't that what living is, having thrills and taking chances?" Then I saw a video of a friend sledding and thought that might be fun, too. It was thrilling just watching the video! I think the poem was trying to say something about taking chances, but is saying more than it really needs to, or with too many words. Perhaps it could have been shortened to just this:



Wild & Risky

It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen;
the sunlight and seas, rain's water.

Live, Alive.


I apologize for the stranger than life format. I was having difficulty posting it in the form I intended. I think it's just me. It was getting all wonky on me. Have a blessed day.
-nibbed

[Rorf Asalis]

........I think the poem was trying to say something about taking chances, but is saying more than it really needs to, or with too many words. Perhaps it could have been shortened to just this:

Wild & Risky

It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen;
the sunlight and seas, rain's water.

Live, Alive.

This  responce seems to me as coming from a serious person, how come such a person with poetic vein misses the true message: Some times, some people don't step on the ground firmly and they feel shaky. It's obvious that the person is scared and confuced (him/her not the reader, nothing is implied here, ha,ha.)

I guess that all of us choose what they feel is closer to what THEY HAVE IN THEIR MIND and that's what's left after turning the page. 
Good or mediocre or bad way of expressing it, it's not me to judge off course, but the subject is a VERY IMPORTANT ONE, as very many live in this state for long periods of time or all their lives.
Have you read one on this matter ? 

P.S. What was left to me from this, was Dearborn,MI and ford where I worked, very long ago. You see what I mean.

[QDeathstar]

Rolf, people are missing the message because the author had made poor choices in grammar, word choice, use of abstractions, and cliche. It is not the reader who is responsible for deciphering the authors intent, it is the author who is responsible for making the poem matter. Here, the author did a poor job and the readers have been kind enough to let the author know.


If I were the author I would rewrite this, restricting myself to five lines. Making sure each one matters to the reader, not to the author. Who cares about the author.

[Rorf Asalis]

for [b]QDeathstar[/b]



POEM 1
Curl up

Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught

Push forward
one step

Each moment a lost one

Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become

The torrent continues

Breathe.  Recall the Reason

But death, ever present.  cutting

Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul


POEM 2

Open door, a room crammed with furniture.

People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
 
The oppressor, fear.  A life sacrificed, mine.
 
Open doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.  
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.

 
The choice is made.


POEM 3

Please step away from the door
this train is about to depart
if you have no destination in mind
there is no end to this line

the world outside my window
blurred with a thickening frost
standing waves of moving places
imposed and distorted my thought

Please move your bags aside
the doors cannot close
don't contemplate those needful things
and surrender to all your woes

I saw distant conviction
A dilapidated structure 
chemically stained with human regret
resonating as it ruptured

Please remain seated
I think the conductor is lost
he was reaching for a map
and pressed the emergency stop

born and bred a thundering steed 
I was forged with fire
I ride alone down these tracks
leaving behind what you desire

YOURS    QDeathstar 

Attrition:

Of words bounced off
me and on to you.
We aren't aren't saying playing
until we do. after.

We've crafted careful outs -
snarky innocents.

We are always right
I've asked her and she asked you.
We all agree we are clever.

Your words bounce off me
and into your skull 
like a bullet.

Pull the trigger.
But it's not about you.

Nothing More Mediocre


NO FURTHER COMMENTS



P.S.   "Mother  language enlighten my roads to wisdom."     
          "....It is not the reader who is responsible for deciphering the authors intent..." Some people's                               nvolvement in  poetry is totally inappropriate, authors or critiques.

[Todd]

Rorf, you've been given honest critiques. You can choose to disregard them or use them. Your interactions on this thread that I've read so far seem passive aggressive and confrontational. The proper response to critique is gratitude. Adopting a petulant sort of attitude, as you have done here, almost guarantees that you will not be successful in a workshop environment. Please reconsider the manner in which you respond to critique. These responses from you have been unacceptable up to this point. /admin

[QDeathstar]

I never said I was a great poet. I do rather like the poem I wrote that you quoted... But I didn't post it in a workshop... if you would like to offer critique, feel free. I didn't write either of the other poems so I am intrigued about where you are going with this.

[CRNDLSM]

I thought about what you said, so I wrote out the whole thing as if I wrote it to try and understand it, so here are my new thoughts 

Soul's mirrors and mind's I like sometimes when words can be either possessive or conjunctive.  Soul is mirrors, mind is study.
study are the eyes,  but really it's true, minds study eyes.  Minds study through the eyes.  A study is both like a room for studying and a verb.
and the verdict is clear, the final judgement is clearly both wild animals in caves,  herding and escorting out of caves, which are like eye sockets if you think about it.
wild animals cave in the 
hollows of your mind, herds,
escorting your thoughts
and opening your eyes wide, animals and thoughts open my eyes and you can see what I see when you study
front window to a i would move spacy to this line cause 'a' is super weak for line ending 
spacy mind's fantasies,  and mind's fantasized works well by itself.  Mind is fantasies,, mind's fantasy's whoa
and easy smiles drawn, cause animals also make me smile easily while opening my eyes wide
as thorny roses pricking and picking thorns absolutely makes me smile
your fingers, you're hurt. Apostrophes are super, this could be your hurt or you are hurt when spoken.  Your finger's would be great too.

Call it gathering of the herds these two lines make it seem more conversational in tone, starting with a command to 'call it' but gathering of the herds is a lame thing to call anything, 
or.... the others showed up. Or call it 'the other's showed up'?  See, conversation switch? I feel like I'm on mushrooms interrpting myself
Snakes spell words ? I think this is cool imagery
One word one snake ? Cool
One stabbing one wolf ? Out of nowhere.  Cause wolf's are wild cave animals who break up herd's, and word's would stab like snakes, questioning
Feels like jungle, go hunting, feels here is the noun, like when a cartoon makes you cry. Hits with the feels, feels go hunting, like jungle.  Because jungle is clearly the name of the wolf.
chase the wild with the risky, this is referring to whiskey isn't it?  Cause whiskey (wild turkey) that gives you feels, and the risk is alcoholism
personalize the unknown, word's of wisdom
then look for the stick. Because wolve's, cause their dogs, and dogs chase sticks, like turkeys in the jungle hunting.
Seems to feel like so seems here is the noun like 'feels' was earlier, only here, seems feel's,
being in other places, 
in their places ? This is my favorite, like replacing in place. Or is that place's 
too small a world ? I don't understand d this line of questioning 
meeting them everywhere, these question marks indicate the tone within the sentence
always away from a home, 
in your home. So true, looking for something, a home, a few, a cave, to mirror the hollows of my mind's study, my mind's eyes, my wild animals herds
You're searching all the time
without looking for something, nice internal rhyme, searching/something
you're here and there and the second and is the most important one here, hence the enjambment
your thoughts everywhere, apostrophe on thoughts please
pages never turned, endless stagnation 
a bit of each on a lot,I forgot lot is a legitimate noun, like drawing lots
starting one and continuing another, because you could start multiple ones, but continuity is key
thoughts are powering you,
natural energizers, yes!
consuming yourself. Yourself seems to imply I am only my thoughts, I would like to say 'you' and leave it at that
You're consumed unhappily, your consummation unhappily sleeps seated, eating laid, sounds better to me.
sleeping seated and eating laid, I would like 'getting laid' instead
waiting with the mornings for light. Yes, because mornings aren't already lit.
Enjoy watching the horizon 
at the sea shores,
not the sky, sounds sarcastic, then sincere.  The sky is too big on too small a world, but the horizon has the key
guess how big the world is, see? Boom! Too small? Don't worry about it!
don't wonder what's on on or off nice enjambment
it's other side, reporting that's right, reporting, but I want a comma here so leave of absence really stand alone
leave of absence.
You always want to see
where your sight can't reach. Your sight can't each the sky, thats why you're always looking at it instead of the horizon.    
Look at the mirror look at my eyes
and see something. Searching
Where are you ? In place, in their place
You seem to think, it's not worthy it. There is seem again, it is worthy it though, thoughts are always worthy of thought, unless it is something else, searxhing 
But everything ?  Everybody ?
Who's remote, you or the others. Who is remote, or the remote is yours and the others, but The others shown up with the gathering of herds in the mirror
Where those you looked for are ? Where I are they
You are leaving us, finally I feel like you're really telling me something
if you could look at me and see my my, mine, mind, minds, mine's,  if this was spoken you'd have tons of room to make up meaning
concerns, would you stay with us. If the study was mirrored, then you'd be leaving us, like a wild animal herding
It's not an end, everyone knows there are many ends, making ends 
forests will keep making oxygen, I like this line, even though it's true, you reference jungle earlier and I think most earth oxygen comes from algae.
 the sun, light and 
the seas, rain's water. Too many facts here, rain is water, seas are light, while rains can be heavy
Live, Alive. How about, 'live, live' cause they're pronounced differently and spelled the same

Thank you for helping me focus my thoughts on this piece.

[Rorf Asalis]

Rorf, you've been given honest critiques. You can choose to disregard them or use them. Your interactions on this thread that I've read so far seem passive aggressive and confrontational. The proper response to critique is gratitude. Adopting a petulant sort of attitude, as you have done here, almost guarantees that you will not be successful in a workshop environment. Please reconsider the manner in which you respond to critique. These responses from you have been unacceptable up to this point. /admin

You are totally wrong and partial.
You, people of forums have problems. I, who am not selfish, say that I don't support my work as good work by answering to these fakes, but I only try to teach them manners. It's not the only place that I post, but here and at everypoet (it's also a forum) the comments are stupid, coming from people with inferiority complex, they must go to politics where sly people try to prove that the correct is wrong and vice versa. The critique itself doesn't matter to me because it varies so much from place to place that becomes unimportant, it's the attitude, it's problematic. 

Read these careful If you can and dare:
Reading is not enough to understand.
Languages don't belong to anyone. 
It's not that you don't understand because you can't it's because you don't care
What's left in life is the small that doesn't grow and hurts you
Your mother named you son or daughter, deceived,  but the people call you, aee you.

I will delete my membership. I don't thank you for your hospitality.

[Leanne]

This post was way more entertaining than the poem.

[milo]

This post was way more entertaining than the poem.

Pearls before swine I tell ya

[ellajam]

Perceptive title.