These distant mountains speak

[Hannah]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

[vagabond]

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.              i think you could leave out this line as your poem is all about hearing those mountains - what is not possible is understanding what it is they could be saying, if anything.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --      i like this alliteration
a soft vowel sound.           "sound" might be unnecessary,  you could just write " a soft vowel".


I cannot hear the language   these 3 lines repeat parts of the first stanza.. could be omitted in my opinion.
of these mountains,
though I listen,


my bare feet                   maybe add a verb here, like for example how every step sounds different?
on stony soil,
my lips wet                          i´d like some description of the sound of these little (or bigger) streams 
with glacial waters.          


I sometimes hear the echo                       you could start this line with "sometimes those words echo in the ..."  ( i think the "I" is a bit distracting)
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding                  there are no toxic snakes where i live, i wonder would people walk around barefoot in rattlesnake territory?
in the tall, summer grass.                       


this seems like a meditation on the sound of a mountain, i like that idea.
i hope i didn´t make too much suggestions.. maybe some are useful

[Hannah]

      


there are no toxic snakes where i live, i wonder would people walk around barefoot in rattlesnake territory?
                   

Hahaha, I grew up in the Rocky mountains (like, literally on the mountains) and I would walk barefoot around them all the time. Luckily, rattlesnakes are fairly easy to avoid and they aren't too much trouble except in the hottest summer months. 

Although, there was one time I was hiking (and barefoot, we'd been walking through some streams) with my brother and we just about stepped on one. That was a bit scary
I guess part of the joy of being in the mountains though is also the risk.

[Todd]

Hi Hannah, 

Here are some comments for you.

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)--If you recognize this, that's a good thing. There were many aspects of poetry that were not my strength at one time but have since gotten better. The hard part in writing is when you don't see the deficiency. I encourage you to focus on titles (perhaps you could start a thread in the discussion forum on the subject) and watch the progress you are able to make.

These distant mountains speak--There is a convention in poetry of sometimes using the first line as a title. This line is a good first line and a good title. It has an evocative quality to it that draws the reader to the poem. Just something to think about. You have a lot of flexibility.
in tones too low for the living to hear.--I'll limit these comments a bit since we're in basic and I don't want to overwhelm you with too much. While "for the living to hear" is interesting. If the speaker can hear it there is someone among the living who makes that statement a lie. I rhink contextually it's in tones that the living don't associate as speech. That said your statement relieves the tension of the first line rather than build on the conceit. I think what you may want to do here is blend this idea into the next line and work on not lowering the tension (example: in tones of winter snow). Just a thought 
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.--That's lovely phrasing: the softness of snow captured in a syllable, love the soft vowel sound. 


I cannot hear the language--Not so definite. You probably want "I struggle to hear" or some such  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet--maybe with instead of my
on stony soil,
my lips wet--I wonder how this sequence works with hearing. Unless the lips are trying to form the unspoken words which I guess is a possibility. Though I think you need a bit more to strengthen that connection.
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words--probably cut this line
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.--This was a nice sequence and ending. There's a hint of danger in the knowledge. I like your specific concrete choices in this strophe.  

I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[ArtyFl]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

This seems like a very nice and natural poem about a place you either think about or live in or have visited. I think it is good that you acknowledge the fact that you are not too good at coming up with titles. This should probably be something you think deep about after writing the piece. A few words of what this poem really means to you would be a good start.

[Kaily Bear]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

I'm a novice but i find my titles just come to me... I read my poem out and find what part or parts i connect with, whatever jumps out is what i title it.

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.

I cannot hear the language

this line is very awkward... and doesn't make sense really. which is why it is awkward. language is something you can hear, but not necessarily understand. if you cannot hear something, why do you think it is a language? maybe work this line a bit, mess around with it.

you have a very soft sound drifting over from line before, a soft vowel sound, maybe work on softness. like a whisper. "I hear the whisper so soft a word* [b]i cannot hear." [/b]

*(or song or lullaby or even story, or poem, language sounds awkward in this context in general... has too much meaning and deeper thought to it. concentrate on the sounds what it sounds like) Either that or work on not understanding the language heard. "I hear the song of a lullaby I used to know"   

of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

[nibbed]

[quote="Hannah" pid='238062' dateline='1514837109']
(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak                          -I want to clean it up by removing These, but then it seems to fizzle out a bit
in tones too low for the living to hear.                   and lose a personable quality/specification.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.                                               -really clever


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.                                     -love how it ends in finality, hinting a reminder of truth



I like this poem. It is a blessing. I wish I could write like this,
in a such a way that others are helped and blessed. I hope
you find the perfect title.


-nibbed

[solitarysoul]

lacks depth and I thought was going somewhere midway through but goes completely off point. what was it these distant mountains spoke of  

[Estefanie.V]

Hello Hannah

Well I am pretty new to poetry so my opinion won´t be as extensive as others´. From what I got your poem is about a place that holds a lot of emotional meaning for you (or someone). I really like the way you depict the scenery in general, how you describe the emotional relationship between yourself and the place, as if you were mesmerized and at the same time intrigued by it. I would also like you to expand more on the analogy of the mountains speaking. Or perhaps just to know what they are saying, being a symbolic or literal thing.

[tryingtobeme]

Hey Hannah,

I loved this poem. I think that one overarching thing to work on is fluidity -- especially between the first and second stanzas. The imagery was wonderful, and I definetly think should be kept in, if not added upon. As for your title, try reciting the poem out loud, and attempting to capture the feeling you have while reading it aloud. Keep up the great work!

[miraj]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.

I like the starting, sets the right pace to the poem 

I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.

nice progression, now you're giving the mountain a life, very good.

I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.

here I have a problem, the rattlesnake image does not work for me, It's inappropriate for a mountain to hiss, maybe find a better image?

Overall the poem was pretty good and I liked the idea of understanding the language of the mountains. 

[yimbus]

It has some good imagery, but I would try to work on the vocab and flow a bit. Exclude unnecessary words and finding more poetic words to describe imagery helps with the tone you want to set. I think the second stanza is fairly good. I think the first one doesn’t flow well and the last is somewhat inconclusive

[ritwiksadhu33]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

 

Being inclined to writing nature poetry myself, I loved this poem, especially the contrasting ending. The first paragraph, to me, seemed to flow better with some of the action words and articles removed, as commonly done in haikus. For instance:

"Distant mountains speak
In tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow, 
nestled on peaks
and crags:
A single syllable -
soft vowel sound"

The second stanza, with the sensual details of the mountainous environment, seems to have the most beautiful images, but overall, a few more details seem to be called for to flesh out the narrative: to let nature take centrestage, so to speak, and let the images, sounds and feels bring out the unheard language of the mountains.

[Bocasi]

So I joined a half hour ago...
I am horrible at critique, because I am all about reading others and actually being fed inspiration to write something myself.
The rattlesnake addition threw me off. It literally bites the flow off. Yet, perhaps that's the type of ending you sought? Abrupt.
Anyhow, write and post and take the critiques from others as motivation. Because that's what it is.

[Suzruth]

I like the title, it's what made me click on your poem twice haha. The first stanza is very strong in its sounds and images, I can definitely be brought into the scene. I think the first 3 lines of the second stanza could be played around with to eliminate the repetition and to use those lines to give the reader more visuals, maybe. The last lines of that stanza stand out, I think.  I would say the same for the third stanza as well. Totally just my opinion. I think in general, cleaning up words that don't serve what you want to portray will make this that much tighter. I enjoyed reading it because I could actually feel the cold, and the warmth of summer at the end .

[danny_]

Hi Hannah. Thanks for sharing. Titles can be difficult, I agree. I haven't yet read other replies so I can give you a genuine perspective. I'll share a few thoughts -

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak < Strong opening line
in tones too low for the living to hear. < I like "tones too low" but this is the only reference to living as opposed to dead, so it doesn't seem relevant. Is there some thought of a loved one passed away in the back of your mind while writing this? In that case it could be included in title or in poem.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags, < Don't really need this last line-break. I'd recommend "nestled on peaks and crags".
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound. < This single syllable sound remains a mystery. It's abstract. 


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters. < This stanza has a really nice image. 


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  < Also a nice stanza. One issue: a rattlesnake would sound like his tail, not a hissing. Try rewording. Also consider: "hidden". 

Enjoyed the images in second and third stanza very much. Good work so far, please continue, and thanks for sharing.

[TemporaryForever]

I love your imagery. I love mountains myself so a lot of this really hits home for me. I've often found shorter titles generally work better than longer ones. For this one, why not something as simple as "Voices" or maybe something a little more evocative like "Mountain Song" ?

[wesliewilkin]

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks - I would leave "and crags" on this line, not start a new line
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound. - maybe try a different word than "sound"


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet - "with my bare feet"
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

I love your imagery! This is beautiful.

[michellewareham]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak <
in tones too low for the living to hear. << this statement opens a direction that the poem would then be of meditation.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound. << I therefore think the single vowel  sound is an 'ohm'


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo << the myth of echo and narcissus? could drag in that reference there with no 'the' and capital E
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

[this is my first time reviewing... I may have experienced technical mistakes.. hope okay].

[Cassiopeia88]

(I really don't have a title for this. Titles are not my strength.)

These distant mountains speak
in tones too low for the living to hear.
Winter snow,
nestled on peaks
and crags,
is a single syllable --
a soft vowel sound.


I cannot hear the language  
of these mountains,
though I listen,
my bare feet
on stony soil,
my lips wet
with glacial waters.


I sometimes hear the echo
of those words
in the footfalls
of a cottontail rabbit,
in the hissing of a
rattlesnake hiding
in the tall, summer grass.  

I'm new at critiques, but I think this works very nicely as a unit. It has nice, mellow imagery and atmosphere. To me it conveys some sort of discrepancy between people and nature, where we speak too different languages and we can only catch a glimpse of some sort of timeless message that nature/mountains are trying to convey to us. So, we can just stand and listen. I like that it shows hints of personal style and message, so I would continue going in this direction.