Two Haikus (or attempts, anyway)

[ritwiksadhu33]

1. Late evening sky,
Black leaf silhouettes -
Suddenly one grew wings

2. (edited)Roof to roof,
Endless clotheslines
Cover a naked world.

(original)Neighbors' roofs -
Endless clotheslines
covering a naked world.

[ellajam]

Hi, ritwik. Both of these work well for me. Some points to think about:

1. This works well as is. A Strong image that is fun to play with, imagining the take-off.

L1: While I like the sound of "Late evening sky" what is late evening? Is it night? Is it past sunset but not quite dark? You can leave it up to the reader or find the exact word to solidify the image, up to you. Just a thought.

2:Again, the poem as a whole is lovely but L1 is a bit of an unpleasant mouthful for me, you may be able to improve that. Roofs is the key here, I'm not sure what neighbors' adds. L3: You might consider cover instead of covering.

Thanks for posting them, interesting read.

1. Late evening sky,
Black leaf silhouettes -
Suddenly one grew wings

2. Neighbours’ roofs:
Endless clotheslines
Covering a naked world.

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi ellajam,
      Thanks for the feedback. Regarding the first one, I was thinking well past sunset but not quite pitch dark - around the time you can still make out distant shapes as black outlines against the sky. Couldn't figure out how to express that precisely, though. Regarding the second, was thinking neighbourhoods of closely clustered 3 or 4 story homes, almost within jumping distance of each other -  like in most small towns back home. Again, I'll have to search for a more appropriate word here.

Hi, ritwik. Both of these work well for me. Some points to think about:

1. This works well as is.  A Strong image that is fun to play with, imagining the take-off.

L1: While I like the sound of "Late evening sky" what is late evening? Is it night? Is it past sunset but not quite dark? You can leave it up to the reader or find the exact word to solidify the image, up to you. Just a thought.

2:Again, the poem as a whole is lovely but L1 is a bit of an unpleasant mouthful for me, you may be able to improve that. Roofs is the key here, I'm not sure what neighbors' adds. L3: You might consider cover instead of covering.

Thanks for posting them, interesting read.

1. Late evening sky,
Black leaf silhouettes -
Suddenly one grew wings

2. Neighbours’ roofs:
Endless clotheslines
Covering a naked world.

[ellajam]

Well, maybe late evening is just right.

Re roofs: I don't think I needed neighbors' to get there. Endless clotheslines brought the image of the roofs being close together, as did covering.

[ellajam]

Just saw the edits.  I think "Seven o'clock sky", while sounding more exact, is actually more ambiguous than the original given time of year and location variations. Also lesser in sonics.

Two bits of workshop advice:

Don't ruin your poems by jumpimg to use the critiques, take time to think about them and keep your own voice when you choose to use them.

Also, the preferred way to post an edit is labeled above the the original. This way members can see the progression of a poem and sometimes send you back if the crit has led you astray.

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi ellajam,
Noted.  Thanks!

[nibbed]

I like the 2nd one best.
It's very visual with few words.
It's as though I am looking
from a 2nd or third story window.
I can see rooftops and all that colour!


-nibbed

[ritwiksadhu33]

I like the 2nd one best.
It's very visual with few words.
It's as though I am looking
from a 2nd or third story window.
I can see rooftops and all that colour!


-nibbed

Hi nibbed,
      Thanks for reading!