For the shore could not - Edit 1

[ritwiksadhu33]

For the shore could not - edit 1

We stepped into stolen lives,
our mistakes forgotten -
like the sleepyhead in the back seat:
dreams 
seeping in 
through the earphones -
or identities less consequential:
Curious,
tailless memories
dotting a landscape of tedium.

The day was no more a prison
than the night,
the dark as comforting a sanctuary 
as the crowd.
We brought wood to the fire
for warmth and smell.
We brought stillness to the river
for the shore could not.




For the shore could not

We stepped into the stolen lives
Our mistakes forgotten
A clean slate
The somnolent youth in the back seat
Of the bus
In a land of dreams 
seeping in 
through the earphones
Or identities less consequential than his:
Curious,
Tailless memories
dotting a landscape of tedium

The day was no more a prison
Than the night
The dark no worse a sanctuary than the crowd
We brought wood to the fire
For warmth and smell
We brought stillness to the river
For the shore could not.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Rit, and welcome to the site. I mostly like this. A few thoughts below...

For the shore could not - I would take "For" out of the title. More on this later.

We stepped into the stolen lives - is "the" needed here? It confuses me
Our mistakes forgotten
A clean slate -a cliche line- and probably redundant to L2
The somnolent youth in the back seat
Of the bus
In a land of dreams 
seeping in -you might consider not capping at the line starts- as you depart from that here for only 2 lines, I begin to wonder where to separate the ideas- especially as there is little punctuation
through the earphones
Or identities less consequential than his: "or" or "our"?
Curious
Tailless memories
Dotting a landscape of tedium- a little abstraction here, but works regardless

The day was no more a prison
Than the night
The dark no worse a sanctuary than the crowd- I think you could do better than "worse". Elaborate
We brought wood to the fire
For warmth and smell
We brought stillness to the river
For the shore could not.- "for" is a tricky word when used like because" I sorta works here but can often sound a mix of preachy and archaic- especially in a last line. I would recommend  taking it out of the title as a little buffer against.

Good luck with this. I like it.
Paul

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi Paul,

        It appears I was a bit sloppy with the capitalization in this one - should have corrected that before posting. Most of your other points are well taken as well, although I'll need to think a while before edits. Thanks for the feedback.

Hello Rit, and welcome to the site. I mostly like this. A few thoughts below...

For the shore could not - I would take "For" out of the title. More on this later.

We stepped into the stolen lives - is "the" needed here? It confuses me
Our mistakes forgotten
A clean slate -a cliche line- and probably redundant to L2
The somnolent youth in the back seat
Of the bus
In a land of dreams 
seeping in -you might consider not capping at the line starts- as you depart from that here for only 2 lines, I begin to wonder where to separate the ideas- especially as there is little punctuation
through the earphones
Or identities less consequential than his: "or" or "our"?
Curious
Tailless memories
Dotting a landscape of tedium- a little abstraction here, but works regardless

The day was no more a prison
Than the night
The dark no worse a sanctuary than the crowd- I think you could do better than "worse". Elaborate
We brought wood to the fire
For warmth and smell
We brought stillness to the river
For the shore could not.- "for" is a tricky word when used like because" I sorta works here but can often sound a mix of preachy and archaic- especially in a last line. I would recommend  taking it out of the title as a little buffer against.

Good luck with this. I like it.
Paul

[Todd]

Hi, I haven't read any of the critiques so as to not prejudice my reading.

For the shore could not

We stepped into the stolen lives--evocative opening
Our mistakes forgotten--I don't think you need our we're already plural.
A clean slate--while this may be true, the wording has been expressed many times before. I think you could mix the phrasing up and salvage the idea but I wouldn't use "clean slate"
The somnolent youth in the back seat
Of the bus
In a land of dreams--not a fan of "In the land of". I think it might be stronger with just "dreams seeping/in through earphones (don't think you need the "the", though that's more of a style choice and purely debatable). 
seeping in 
through the earphones
Or identities less consequential than his:--Do you mean "our" here?
Curious
Tailless memories--I like the idea expressed here. It's an interesting way to show something as fragmented or incomplete.
Dotting a landscape of tedium--I tend to want to shy away from ___ of ____ constructions (like land of dreams and this landscape of tedium because to me and it could just be me they come across as artificial--doesn't mean I haven't used them but longwinded way to say maybe change of to in.

The day was no more a prison
Than the night--like that sequence
The dark no worse a sanctuary than the crowd--I think you may want to consider a consistent stucture between this line and the two above--either break than the crowd or express the earlier sentiment on one line as well.
We brought wood to the fire
For warmth and smell
We brought stillness to the river--love the phrasing of this idea.
For the shore could not.

I realize a lot of my comments are subjective choices. Hope some of them help.

Best,

Todd

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi Todd,
Made some of the changes you suggested: Thanks for the detailed read and comments.

[tectak]

Hi ritw,
I now read your stuff with some anticipation. Your poetry has a whimsical quality that both detracts from solidity yet has wonderful texture. Of the two "characteristics" of your style I think you need to try to improve the former without diminishing the latter. It can be done...it is mostly a question of grammar and form....I hate that word...but its use in this crit is germane. There are some simple comments in the text which are of small change individually but which add up to dollar...

For the shore could not - edit 1

We stepped into stolen lives,
our mistakes forgotten     OK...this is where it starts....you painted an intriguing opener then smeared its intent in to a completely unrelated image. The "like" which follows, without punctuation, is no definition of "like" that I have ever come across. It is not even of the "Time flies like an arrow...fruit flies like a banana" variety. Two things, then. Period after "....forgotten" to cement the opener in place and then accept that the next image train  needs a "link" not a "like".
Like the sleepyhead in the back seat:A suggestion, and that is ALL it is.
 
We stepped in to stolen lives,
our mistakes forgotten.
In the back seat, sleepy-head dreams.
Seeping in,
through soft ear-buds, 
are  identities less consequential.
Curious,
tailless memories
dotting a landscape of tedium.  

                 Apologies for any translational inaccuracies but now it makes sense to me.  Keeping it your way the dreams are one thing  OR  memories the other(??). You could leave it almost as is, if I have it wrong, and change "or" to "of". Your poem, putting it mildly
 
dreams 
seeping in 
through the earphones -
or identities less consequential:
Curious,
tailless memories
dotting a landscape of tedium.

The day was no more a prison
Than the night  Inconsistent capitalisation of line starts is probably a typo...but you could put it right....or you could leave it to others  to point out. I know which I would prefer. Comma OR semicolon on this line end, then....
The dark as comforting a sanctuary no capital on "the"
as the crowd    Period. Gotta be...
We brought wood to the fire
for warmth and smell."for" is a weak word leading in to a weak reasoning. Not a great word, ever....BUT I can see your thinking and it is good. 
We brought stillness to the river
for the shore could not.If you could, you should try to get more drama out of this ending. It makes a fine sounding conclusion as it is but the two balancing statements...er...don't. We brought wood to the fire (because we could?) and we brought stillness to the river (because the shore could not?)

Overall, and remembering that this is in Mild, I would not have any more to add if this piece was in intensive. Well done,
Best,
 tectak




For the shore could not

We stepped into the stolen lives
Our mistakes forgotten
A clean slate
The somnolent youth in the back seat
Of the bus
In a land of dreams 
seeping in 
through the earphones
Or identities less consequential than his:
Curious
Tailless memories
Dotting a landscape of tedium

The day was no more a prison
Than the night
The dark no worse a sanctuary than the crowd
We brought wood to the fire
For warmth and smell
We brought stillness to the river
For the shore could not.

[nibbed]

Hi 33


For the shore could not - edit 1                     -I'd use caps in the title if you are going with this title

We stepped into stolen lives,
our mistakes forgotten
Like the sleepyhead in the back seat:
dreams 
seeping in 
through the earphones -
or identities less consequential:
Curious,
tailless memories
dotting a landscape of tedium.                            - I like the honesty in this S

The day was no more a prison
Than the night
The dark as comforting a sanctuary 
as the crowd                                                      - this reader knows this, too
We brought wood to the fire
for warmth and smell.                                         - ( I was going to say smell falls flat, but I like the meter of this poem too much)
We brought stillness to the river
for the shore could not.                                      - I love the end, captures a grand visual to pull it all together and make
                                                                             a greater picture.

This is a lovely poem. I love the ending
but I wonder if it should also be the title?
Thank you for a wonderfully clean & gentle poem
about many truths in life. Reminds me of kind
gestures, friendship, and love.


-nibbed

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi nibbed and tectak,
Sorry for the late reply - midsems are around the corner. I've been through the comments, corrected the capitalization and will eventually edit it more thoroughly sometime later this month - can't seem to find enough time to think at the moment. Once again, thanks for the detailed read and review!

[tectak]

Hi nibbed and tectak,
            Sorry for the late reply - midsems are around the corner. I've been through the comments, corrected the capitalization and will eventually edit it more thoroughly sometime later this month - can't seem to find enough time to think at the moment. Once again, thanks for the detailed read and review!

Good egg, 
 Best, 
 tectak