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The beautiful ones want to take you away
You sink to a dream as the trees all turn gray
You watch as the blue drips down from the skies
The colors are painted on the backs of your eyes
You hold a red apple from a country unknown
Blood melts from its skin as it turns to a stone
Her dark skin makes you love
The red rose makes you cry
But remember, Sirrah, we’re all gray when we die
Purple cloaks make me king
His black skin makes him mine
But remember, my son, it’s all black when we die
The colors we see are earth’s rhythm and rhyme
And so I sit staring at colors sublime
Posts: 345
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The beautiful ones want to take you away
You sink to a dream as the trees all turn gray -wanting to read as the trees turn to grey, but it may remove personal significance
You watch as the blue drips down from the skies
The colors are painted on the backs of your eyes -I really like this line
You hold a red apple from a country unknown
Blood melts from its skin as it turns to a stone -interesting layers of thought here
Her dark skin makes you love -skin twice makes me think the apple is "apple of 'your' eye"
The red rose makes you cry
But remember, Sirrah, we’re all gray when we die -I like how you've incorporated the celestial
Purple cloaks make me king
His black skin makes him mine -I'm puzzled here, but enjoy the rhyme/riddle quality in this S
But remember, my son, it’s all black when we die
The colors we see are earth’s rhythm and rhyme
And so I sit staring at colors sublime -interesting end
it was fun to read, though tossed me to and fro
I will need to chew on the riddling stanza
strangely, the poem wanted to divide during critique,
but it is not unusual for things to get wonky here.
thank you kindly for the read
and opportunity to critique
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 28
Threads: 6
Joined: Jan 2018
Hello nibbed,
Thanks for the comments. I like your suggestion on the tree line. The "black skin makes him mine" stanza is meant to discuss how color is literally only skin deep in some cases. I picked the word "sublime" because it sort of addresses things that are surreal in the absurdity of their reality. I feel this way about color, race, death, and cultural hierarchy. I juxtaposed a traditionally regal color with a slave's skin to put the oddness of social hierarchies into the perspective of the arbitrary yet brilliantly real nature of color.
I definitely see how this poem could be seen as divided, the pace transition is something I have to work on. Thanks again!
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(02-07-2018, 10:12 PM)therabbitisme Wrote: The beautiful ones want to take you away
You sink to a dream as the trees all turn gray --> i think this could be worded better...all turn gray didn't flow well for me
You watch as the blue drips down from the skies
The colors are painted on the backs of your eyes
You hold a red apple from a country unknown
Blood melts from its skin as it turns to a stone
Her dark skin makes you love
The red rose makes you cry
But remember, Sirrah, we’re all gray when we die
Purple cloaks make me king
His black skin makes him mine
But remember, my son, it’s all black when we die
The colors we see are earth’s rhythm and rhyme
And so I sit staring at colors sublime
i liked it a lot. The imagery you created is amazing and the meanings you convey with the colors work well. I think it's a great concept and executed well. Don't have much critique except that the first two lines were a bit awkwardly worded for me. Really enjoy reading it and trying to interpret it
Posts: 28
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Joined: Jan 2018
Hi Yimbus,
Thanks so much! I definitely see the problem with the first lines. I like nibbed's suggestion of saying "as the trees turned to gray", so I think that's the verdict. Thanks again.
