First Edit: Late Night Blues

[Richard]

First Edit:

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late;
stinking of lipstick, buttons wrongly done.
His feet move effortlessly
like a tightrope walker who long ago
lost his fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
pretends she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes closed tight as a casket covered in earth,
fantasizes:
her skin purple, teeth white,
but she still has the aroma of dollar-store soap.
Her true odor distant as dates memorized
in high school history class.

Tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
he readies for one last audible breath
from an audience eager to judge
such failures.


Original:
Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, I've been enjoying this, here are some thoughts:

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.
This opening strophe does a lot of work. For me it sets a reckless yet defeated state of mind. I particularly like the L4-6, it shines light on the habit of the behavior.

He smells his lover on his fingers, Doesn't even bother to wash his hands, nerve or numbness, effectively shows how deep in he is.
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.
These lines are lovely, the affectionate description and then the underlying hollowness.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth, not a fan of "tight", it takes a lot of energy to hold one's eyes shut tight and he seems more relaxed, or zombified. Maybe "sealed" or something better.
then he imagines
This break and white space doesn't work for me. Holding on to the scent of his lover makes me think he'd rather be there in his mind than home so when I pause to think about what he might imagine I am not led to the following strophe, which for me was unclear who was being referred to until the cheap soap.

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized I like that he can no longer smell her truth.
in their high school history class.
Speaking of the couple as "they" throws me, he doesn't seem to think of them as a "they" anymore.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

This close states too much for me, though I like the return to the tightrope. Possibly:
He lies between loveless and lovely,
balanced for one last audible breath (This line just because I want balance and breath closer)
from an audience ready to judge.

Just an example of how a cut there might strengthen the ending.

Thanks for the read, I hope my notes help a bit.

[Richard]

Hey ellajam,
Thanks for the feedback. You addressed a lot of the areas I was unsure about. The break between stanza three and four was probably the biggest thing I was curious about in terms of effectiveness, so I appreciate your thoughts on that.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard.
Enjoyed this, some very nice lines
and a well drawn scene.

He doesn't know the time,
would suggest a line break here
but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
do you need 'breath'?
buttons done wrong and missing,
I like the idea, but this seems
a very ugly sentence.
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.
'gently' seems contradicted by
'lost any fear'

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
really nice
he pretends to know.
Small suggestion;
he pretends he knows ?

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
I think this is a terrific image, though
I agree with Ellajam about 'tight'.
'Closed' or 'shut'?
There's a slight ambiguity as to whose 'eyes' they are.
I'd suggest jumping straight to;
[And] dreams of never waking up,
I think this is another really good line,
but I think the elaboration diminishes it.
It would also make for a stronger end I think.
(If you're set on the other lines,
then I'd suggest
He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.
He dreams of never waking up.)


(her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.
Very nice. I don't think you need this here
but definitely keep it for another piece.)

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. You've got me thinking about this in a different way with the line order and stanza structure, which I greatly appreciate.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Rave]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

I like this but it falls just short of amazing for me. It seems like he has an otherworldly experience in cheating on his wife. "Scent of stardust and other faraway bodies" sound like sweet reminiscence which you juxtapose with suicidal ideations or just a fortuitous death at the end which is a quantum leap I could't make.

[Richard]

Hey Rave,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been letting this one sit for a bit, but plan on getting back to it at some point.

Thanks again,
Richard

[tectak]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

I like this but it falls just short of amazing for me. It seems like he has an otherworldly experience in cheating on his wife. "Scent of stardust and other faraway bodies" sound like sweet reminiscence which you juxtapose with suicidal ideations or just a fortuitous death at the end which is a quantum leap I could't make.

Rave...this crit comes dangerously close to no crit at all....so what's not to like? Well would THIS be acceptable to you, even in Mild. Come on...play fair. Mod.

---

This is commitment verse and no mistake. You carry the thematic load right to the end and for that reason you only leave crumbs for a crit BUT there are crumbs. 

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late. Semi-colon, here. See next line comment. This FIRST line has a stamp of authority in terms of rhythm yet as soon as the second line comes a realisation that it was all in the mind of the reader. That the metre collapses like a quantum wave function only says to me that the piece is not going to be anything but prose. In many ways, you are off the hook because anything goes from now on. You may as well write it out as a story. Is that bad...after all, this is in Mild? 
Breath stinking of lipstick, Not a manly possibility...I have seen women with lipstick on their teeth but unless our man has been eating the stuff I just do not get it. Are you sure it wasn't just from his lips? And just how close were you to him? "Breath stinking, lipstick-lipped"...maybe. Your poem.
buttons done wrong and missing, "done wrong "is wrongly done...er...it should be "wrongly done". PERIOD at the end of this line for a lot of reasons, see the semi-colon suggestion line 1  
his feet move gently Start with this as a sentence. It is a new and separate observation. Comma at line end.
like a tightrope walker who long lost "...who long ago had  lost his fear of falling." This is pedantic, I know. 
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,Period but arguable. The pause so introduced is, though, worth the grammar.
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.Strangely compelling but awkwardly phrased. I cannot put my finger on it but obviously, the character has. As for the hinted metaphor I am embarrassed by  my lack of knowledge regarding the odiferous nature of stardust and Uranus.  ...in other words, it does not, for me, clarify... particularly as "he" doesn't know...but pretends "he" does...so who does know?

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines Good but could be better...but good. "eyes closed tight as",  perhaps...or  "eyes tight-closed as...", but not just "...eyes tight".

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily. You do, of course, mean flUorescent... Florescent has a COMPLETELY  different meaning. As for this stanza, sub-thinking is difficult to pull off unless skillfully applied. Because you are inside the character's head ( you know what he is smelling and you know that he pretends) I get to accept this situation. Then without warning you, as the narrator, also appear to have have knowledge a priori concerning the work-place environment of the character? I did not know that. Tell me more....or don't mention it at all unless relevant... which it appears not to be.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class. Hmmm. Puzzling to the point of intriguing. It makes sense if not scent....a very odd metaphorical allusion. Again, this seems to throw me off the...er...scent, so to speak. I have lipstick, stardust, soap and something indescribably chronological in the air. A bath, I feel, is needed.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.Nice. Very nice indeed. There IS a supersonic leap to get here which has left a vapour trail 'twixt this and the last stanza...but it is fading into nothingness very quickly. I do believe this piece needs another penultimate stanza.



Best, I can do, richard. Concept-wise you gave it a good grubbing but it is rather sparce contextually. I think it is the first time I have had such a cliche in a title spawning such a novelty in the text.
Best, 
tectak

[nibbed]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

howdy richard
I was troubled by the subject matter
so i didn't reply at first,
but you've worked so hard....just few things:



Late Night Blues                                                          I'm not sure the title fits for this piece

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.        
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,                               - great line, buttons. has a Buttons the Clown feel to it. ha
his feet move gently                                                    -I think feet needs an adjective, though
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.                                                         -even in clown shoes?                                           

He smells his lover on his fingers,                                 
she has the scent of stardust                                        -stardust seems sad to me, the saddest part, really
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,                                        -carefully
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,                        -really good, but i am confused
then he imagines                                                           as to whose eyes are closed tight
                                                                                     is that on purpose?
her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.                        -a clue                     
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.                                    -long close love

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath                                   -i'm not sure ready is the right word
from an audience ready to judge.



a risky
weird poem, sad,
but has been nicely shapened-up
through edits
could make a strong metaphor
to strange idolatry
It lacked the part about indulgences
or waiver of judgement
but likely they've been paid
in one way or another


-nibbed

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi Richard,
       I really liked reading this. Can't suggest any changes: the following is more of a list of vibes and images I got, along with a few comments. Hope this helps!

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late. Wife's gone to sleep by now, probably tired of waiting
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing, Reckless about any clues
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling. Nice imagery to reinforce the same

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know. Embodying an escape from the tedium of daily loveless life. Mysterious, enchanting knowledge that dazzles humans, or perhaps stokes a deep seated urge of discovery. He pretends to know such thigns to be "interesting", presumably. An idea that could be expanded upon, but maybe that's best left for another poem.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white 
as florescent lights that drown him daily. Stuck between duty and longing, between "dead" and alive. But all alive things die, do they not?
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized This line gives a really good image of worn out love, while also putting a tentative age to their relationship.
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge. Somewhat prosaic. Even though there doesn't need to be a punch at this poem's end at all, i feel like it should end with something a little more "new".

[Richard]

Hey tectak, nibbed and ritwiksadhu33,
Thanks for the feedback. You all gave ideas to think about. I'm planning on getting around to this one sooner rather than later. I got a long weekend coming up, so that might be the right time.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Writerbyfire]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.        // Great in its simplicity how it reveal a quirky aspect of character. He doesn't know how late it is but
Breath stinking of lipstick,                                    he knows it's late enough to cause trouble
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently                                       // gently implies carefully which runs counter the sort of experienced carelessness. there's probably
like a tightrope walker who long lost                    a better word if you want to abandon the audible descriptor (which I don't think I would) maybe
any fear of falling.                                              "trained"

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies                                  // I like the enjambment here ironically it punctuates the whole stanza
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,              // good imagery, I might even eliminate covered in earth tight as a casket is good on its own
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,                              // if we're seeing this from his imagination would it described as reeks of cheap soap
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,   // hhmm is the audience his wife? is he waiting for her to say something
ready for one last audible breath                          the last two lines here really speak to the tenseness he feels if that's what you're going for maybe a 
from an audience ready to judge.                         period after lovely with a transition before ready. Something about the sense of time and perspective
                                                                        could be a bit clearer.

Wow this is really good. You have great imagery here.  You keep using descriptions that make me do a double take. "breath stinking of lipstick," "has the scent of stardust," "skin purple, teeth white" at first it's jarring then immediately it seems like the perfect description. The only thing I'm not sure about is the significance of the stanza lengths but I think that's more on my critical abilies than you.

[Richard]

Hey Writerbyfire,
Thanks for the kind words and feedback. I'm hoping to edit this one some time in the next couple of days.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Richard]

Hey all,
I edited this one. I actually found this a bit a challenge as I looked back the different critiques because there was so much said. Feel free to let me know if this is going in the right direction.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Writerbyfire]

First Edit:

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late;
stinking of lipstick, buttons wrongly done.                                // Not having breath there makes the description too jarring I like the combined line though
His feet move effortlessly                                                           it flows well. If you add it into the combined line you also get a nice 'b' alliteration.
like a tightrope walker who long ago
lost his fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
pretends she has the scent of stardust                                   // This is a much clearer description. It almost loses the smack that I mentioned in my last critique. 
and other faraway bodies.                                                        The problem is it breaks the faraway bodies line. The real trouble is the "he pretend to know."
                                                                                             I can't think of a fix myself but as it stands i think I like the pre-edit better. It keeps with the 
He lies down next to his wife,                                                   effect your descriptions have.
eyes closed tight as a casket covered in earth,
fantasizes:                                                                          // i like the line edits and the combined stanza. I think imagines sounds better. It's softer
her skin purple, teeth white,                                                    and fits with the setting. The hard s in fantasizes is harsh and the word almost dirty so it makes
but she still has the aroma of dollar-store soap.                         the relationship more carnal in nature which might be what it is.  
Her true odor distant as dates memorized                              // you need the florescent lights or something to qualify the purple skin otherwise it's too jarring
in high school history class.                                                  // I like dollar store soap better than cheap. it's more descriptive and when I read the next line I'm 
                                                                                            thinking more that he's intentionally replacing her scent with a more nostalgic one rather than
Tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,                          he just doesn't like her soap i can focus on the stanza as a whole more.
he readies for one last audible breath                                    // transition makes it much easier to read, but you now have a transitional problem between stanzas.
from an audience eager to judge                                               Maybe you didn't like the line "he dreams of never waking up" but I didn't mind it. 
such failures.                                                                      // such failures seems impersonal, i like the question of which failures his cheating or the loveless 
                                                                                             marriage but I think it dulls the impact of the previous line which made for a great ending

I may be going a bit overboard for the moderate forum but if it's a bit much it's only because I love the poem. I think you made a few more steps back than forward. My general sense is that maybe the edits are a bit too over thought. The original, while it had some problem points, came across very organic,

[Richard]

Hey Writerbyfire,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm thinking a combo of this edit and original might be where I go next with this.

Thanks again,
Richard